Date: Tue, 21 Aug 90 09:33:14 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Latest Henry Cate III file
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
May 4th is a wonderful day, it's Star Wars Day.  May the 4th be with you.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Defending the truth...is not something one
does out of a sense of duty or to allay guilt
complexes, but it is a reward in itself.
                  --  Dr. Petr Beckmann
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
From: Aviation Digest #138
 
!Your criticism of our product suggests an unsound technical background.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Item from PC Week 27 March, as reproduced in the PARC TIC Update 7 April:
 
"Of particular importance to the laptop market is the fact that the [Rockwell
modem-on-a-chip] RC24-AT's 305-megawatt power requirement is the lowest
 available
to date...The chip's unique AutoSleep mode--under which the chip requires
only 37 megawatts of power when inactive--provides further power
 conservation..."
 
[305 megawatts... hmm... that's only about 1/3 of your average nuclear power
plant!  Oh well, what's 10**9 between friends? :-)]
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In response to the question:
And where do your "facts" come from?
 
I put a plate of milk & cookies out on my back porch before I go to sleep.
When I wake up the milk & cookies are gone and there is a file of facts
in their place.  (With apologies to Roger Zelazny.)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Did you hear about the kid who wanted a watch for Christmas?
        His parents let him.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
The following TRUE anecdote is taken from "The Portable Curmudgeon" by
Jon Winokur:
 
        While Groucho Marx was dining at the Brown Derby, a priest
came up to him and said, "Oh, Mr. Marx, I want to thank you for
bringing so  much joy into the world."
        Groucho quickly replied, "I want to thank you for taking so
much out."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In the May 5, 1989 issue of _Goldmine_ , the magazine published the
winning entries of their "Mis-Heard Lyrics" contest;  these are rock and roll
lyrics as certain people HEARD them, as opposed to the songs' actual
lyrics.
 
Some of the winning entries:
 
	-"Paperback Writer":  Jon Erdahl thought the title was "Pay
		for that Chrysler"...
 
	-"Material Girl" by Madonna:  "we are living in a Cheerios world/
		and I am a Cheerios girl"...
 
	-"Angel of the Morning" by Merilee Rush:  "just smash my Jeep
		before you leave me"... and: "just brush my teeth before
		you leave me"...
 
	-"La Isla Bonita" by Madonna:  "Last night I dreamt of a bagel"...
 
	-"More Than A Woman" by the BeeGees:  "Bald-Headed Woman"...
 
	-"The Girl is Mine" by P. McC and M. Jackson:  "that doggone
		dirty swine"...
 
	-"Every Breath You Take" by the Police:  "I'm a pool hall ace"...
 
	-"Papa Don't Preach" (Madonna again):  "Papa John Creach"...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
"Come on people now, pile on your brother
 Everybody get together, try to mug one another right now."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I remember once in my bar hangout days when the drunks would
HOWL like dogs being butchered when Kenny Rogers would hit the
jukebox. Apparently they thought the lyrics were...
 
"You picked a fine time to leeeeeave me Lucielle, with FOUR HUNDRED children,
 and a crop in the field."
 
  :-)   Needless to say, if they had four hundred children, their
        heavy drinking was understandable.
 
Also, I was listening to a local radio station here in the Twin Cities
many years ago and heard a local call-in request a woman made...
It seems she wanted to hear the song from Delaney,Bonnie & Friends called
 
        "I've Got A Never Ending Love For You"
 
With the announcer playing her recorded request as in intro and laughing
out loud... she asked to hear
 
 
        "I've Got An Indian Membrane Love For You"
 
I would have NO idea what she thought that song was about. WHATEVER she
thought though...she liked the idea enough to call in a request.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
>        -"More Than A Woman" by the BeeGees:  "Bald-Headed Woman"...
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
One that had me puzzled for the longest time was
 
"I'd like to hear some funk get Dixie leopard and mama come and take me
by the hand."
 
This killed me primarily because it made no sense whatsoever... ;-)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I recall a story from Reader's Digest that explained thw origin of
Mondegreen. It seems a young man learned a poem by rote of a dashing Scots (I
think) lord who was killed by bad guys. The most poignant line of the poem
was:
        "...and they slew Lord Baltimore (or whatever),
         And Lady Mondegreen."
        The writer was touched by these two lovers, slain together, lying on
the ground brutally massacred, each (obviously) offering their life for the
other, and so on. It wasn't until years later, when he saw the poem written
out, that he found out that the poem said,
        "...and they slew Lord Baltimore,
         and laid him on the green."
I think the article was an excerpt from a book called "Pullet Surprises," and
included others like "Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy will follow me all of my
days," "I lead the pigeons to the flag" and "O Atom Bomb." (5 points to
anyone who can identify all the above).
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
I always thought the lyrics to the song "My eyes adored you"
were "My eyes of Georgia."  Unfortunately, I found this out
the hard way.
 
I was at a friend's house and for some *stupid* reason this song
was going through my mind.  While I was waiting for my friend
to finish "logging out", I started
singing this song.  My friend's mother, who happened to be
in the other room, heard me singing and she asked, "Jay, did
you say 'My eyes of Georgia'?"  And I said, "Yes."
 
Boy.  You should have heard her laugh.  She had tears running
down her eyes (of Georgia :-), she was turning all kinds of colors,
she was having trouble breathing.  I mean, this lady was Rolling!
(I started laughing just because she was laughing.  I still didn't
know what the hell was going on.  I thought it might have been
my singing.)
 
After about ten minutes she calmed down and told me why she
burst out laughing
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Sweet dreams are made of cheese
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
=>	"Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy will follow me all of my days,"
		(Surely goodness and mercy will follow me...)
 
=>	"I lead the pigeons to the flag" and
		(I pledge allegience...?)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
	They don't even have to be popular songs.  When my father was a
kid, before he could read, he used to stand in church and sing,
 
	"There is a bomb in Gilead,
	That makes a wounded hole..."
 
	In case there's anyone out there who isn't a Mennonite, the real
situation involves a *balm* in Gilead that makes the wounded *whole*.
	I really like this one, because the sounds are almost exactly
alike, while the meanings are almost exactly opposite.  My dad was
faintly surprised that they would be singing about stuff like that in
church, but, to paraphrase a TV commercial, "Grown-ups have a lot of
goofy names for stuff."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
In first grade Catechism class, I was amazed that the answer
to the question:
      "Who is God?"
was
      "God is the String Bean [Supreme Being] that made all things and
       holds them in existence."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
An ancient (read: I learned in Junior High School) gag is to ask someone if
he'd like to hear a knock-knock joke. The typical response (WHY, for God's
sake?) is "OK." You say "All right, you start it."
 
Your mark says "Knock, knock."
You reply "Who's there?"
Your mark stands there feeling stupid.
 
Likely, you've had this pulled on you. Also likely, you've pulled it yourself.
Here's an antidote to keep stored in your hindbrain for a bit of one-upmanship
on appropriate occasions.
 
Your mark asks you if you want to hear a knock-knock joke. You reply "OK."
 
He says, "All right, you start it."
You begin with "Knock, knock."
He responds "Who's there?"
You immediately reply "Jawzink."
Your mark will be off balance now, and after a pause he will ask "Jawzinc who?"
You deliver the lethal strike: "Jawzink I was going to fall for that old trick?"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Q:  What do you get when you cross a Latter Day Saint with LSD?
A:  A high priest.
 
-----
 
A member in California went into a store to buy a few things for a
Church activity.  She had it charged to the LDS Church.  She realized
the Spanish influence in the area when she looked at the bill and the
clerk had written "El Diaz Church".  (In Mirthwright in an Ensign a few
years back.)
 
-----
 
My dad was on his mission in Eastern Canada a few years ago.  At the
time, (it still may exist,) there was an insurance company called,
"Continental Life".  My dad and his companion were out tracting and they
knocked on a door.  The lady of the house was around back and came
around the corner.  Upon seeing the two suited gentleman, she asked,
"Continental Life?"  My dad's companion replied, "No, Eternal Life."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Watching your weight? You're probably unaware of the calories you burn up in a
typical workday. The following "execises" can be done indoors, alone and often
without detection.
 
    Beating around the bush....................................75
    Jumping to conclusions....................................100
    Climbing the walls .......................................150
    Swallowing your pride......................................50
    Passing the buck...........................................25
    Throwing your weight around(depending on your weight)..50-300
    Dragging your feet........................................100
    Pushing your luck.........................................250
    Hitting the nail on the head...............................50
    Wading through paperwork..................................300
    Bending over backwards.....................................75
    Running around in circles.................................350
    Climbing the ladder of success............................350
    Wrapping it up at day's end................................12
 
Enjoy execising and let me know the result! :-)
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
It's mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA
for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador
to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort.
 
He is just about getting familiar with his
work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings..
 
- Yees..., he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.)
- Good morning Mr ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times.
  I'd like to know what you want for Christmas present.
- Eh , Sveind (Yes, that's his name) said. Christmas present... Eh...
  I'm very sory Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway.
- Yes, of course... I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he
  didn't understand at all, Bye then.
- Good bye Mike.
 
The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon
forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring.
 
The next morning the phone rings again.
 
- Yes, Sveind speeking.
- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm
  wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday?
- Ah.. Helloo... Eh. Yes, unfortunattely I ment it. You see, ve're not
  allowed to accept personal gifts. They culd be seen at as bribes, and
  I don't vant to cause any scandall. I'm very sory, but I hope you understand.
- Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye.
- Good bye.
 
That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said. Maybe some
missunderstanding. After all my pronounciation isn't the best.
 
The next morning the phone rings again.
 
- Yes, Sveind heere.
- Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I supppose you know what I want?
- Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritarion. I thouht I
  explained vhy I can't accept any gifts.
- Yes you did, but I don't think you....
- Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell.
  Vhat do you vant relly? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you
  von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a
  minute. Novv I knovv. I vant a fruit bovl (He is sure a fruit bowl
  is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.)
- A fruit bowl?? Are you serious??
- Yes. A fruit bovl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bovl?
- No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe..
- Unusual??. Vell that doesn't matter, does it?
- No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye.
- Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas.
 
A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times.
 
WHAT THE FORREIGN AMBASSADORS HERE WANTS FOR X-MAS
 
During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking
the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result.
 
EUROPEAN COUNTRIES:
Great Britain.          Good economic welfare.
Western Germany.        Even better east-west relations
France.                 Free trade between Europe and USA.
Switzerland.            Better European cooperation, and better US relations.
Sweden.                 End of the starvation in the third world.
Belgium.                Better environmental care.
Norway.                 A fruit bowl.
                                           Mike Giordano.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
We have to be careful not to put Descartes before the horse.
 
I have often made up a joke which involved describing the concepts of Descartes
and Horace, and finally making the judgement:
 
I would, however, put the Descartes before the Horace!
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
At Drew University one of our professors is famous for handing out an
average of 2-3 dittos per day.  The dittos contain class notes, so you
spend a lot more time learning then copying things down from the
board.
 
In a large class (40 students) passing out 4 sheets on one day can be
confusing.  It seems we liberal arts students can't deal with it and
none of the four stacks will take the same path through the class and
often, more time is spent figuring out which dittos you didn't get and
why then just getting the dittos.
 
In response to this, this memo was sent out durring the second week of
class.
 
-Tom Limoncelli
 
P.S.  Yes, this is REAL.
 
* --  Drew's student:teacher ratio is 1:14.  40 students in a class is
hard to find.
------------------ cut here ---------------------
 
                               MEMO
TO:  CompSci 112 students
 
FROM:  Barry Burd
 
RE: Paper passing
 
It has come to my attention that you people don't know how to
pass papers around the room.  When passing papers, please
observe the following simple rules:
 
1.  If you're on an odd-numbered row, please pass papers to
the right.  If you're the rightmost person in the row,
please pass to the rightmost person in the row behind you.
 
2.  If you're on an even-numbered row, please pass papers to
the left.  If you're the leftmost person in the row,
please pass to the leftmost person in the tow behind you.
 
3.  If you're in the last row and, given the above rules,
there's no one to pass papers to, then collect the extras
and hand them back to me.  I'll put the extras in recycling bins.
 
Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.
 
------------------ cut here ---------------------
 
 |\/\/\/\/|                             <Sewall@UConnVM.BITNET>
 |        |                             <Sewall%UConnVM.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.Edu>
 |        |                              ...psuvax1!uconnvm.bitnet!sewall
 |  (e) (e)      _______________________
 |        _)    /                       |                Prof. Murphy Sewall
(c   ,_____\   /  Oh, Yeah, Right!      |                Marketing Dept. U-41-M
  |  (__(     <                         |                368 Fairfield Road
  |    /       \  Don't have a cow, man.|                Storrs, CT  06269-2041
  /____\        \_______________________|
 /      \
 
