Date: Wed, 8 Aug 90 08:24:14 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Henry Cate III lives :-)
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

Don't take life so serious...it ain't nohow permanent--Walt Kelly
 
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 "When you reach an equilibrium in biology you're dead." -Arnold Mandell
 
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Groucho Marx:
"I can not say that I don't disagree with you."
 
Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend;
     inside of a dog, it's too dark to  read.
 
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Organized Crime: Some call it government
 
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They're not selling any more beer at the Metrodome.
Twins lost the opener.
 
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Your arguments are sound--all sound.
 
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Seen on a bumpersticker during layoff days (1985-86) in Silicon Valley:
 
     Who is afraid of layoffs
     Slaves can only be sold.
 
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The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
     and running the country...
 
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There was this girl named Carmen Cohen.  All her life her father
had called her Carmen.  Her mother, on the other hand, had always
called her Cohen.  This confused the girl to no end.  In fact,
even when she turned 18 she didn't know if she was Carmen or
Cohen.
 
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Bumper sticker in San Diego:
 
   Welcome to San Diego, owned and operated by SDG&E (San Diego Gas & Electric
aka San Diego Gouge & Extortion).
 
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Mark Twain wrote I don't know where.
 
Readers assume you are an idiot.
Now assume you are a member of Congress,
But I repeat myself.
 
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Heard this on the radio.  They said it was true.
 
Exxon has a calander it puts out.  If you open it up to April, there
is a picture of the Valdez (sp).  The caption reads, "Lets be careful
out there."
 
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You know you're growing old when dialing long distance wears you out.
 
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"Twenty years ago, NBC told Roddenberry to get rid of Spock, because he
looked too `Satanic.'  Nowadays, tv shows stuff like _Freddy's
Nightmares_.  Give me Spock's pointy ears any day."
 
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A professor wanted to mail a letter to his friend. He had 35c, 10c, $1 and many
more stamps. He needed 25c stamp to mail the letter. He scratched his head and
finally got the solution. He pasted 35c and 10c, in between he wrote a minus
sign.
 
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More How to write English good:
"Adverbs are fading from the English language slow, but sure."
 
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Fortune Magazine reported recently that some employees of Merrill Lynch's
New York office were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago
that they sent interoffice mail via Federal Express.  "Memos were whisked
from floor to floor via Memphis."
 
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What's the similarity between Eastern Airlines and CBS?
Neither one has any pilots!
 
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"An extraordinary pilot uses his or her extraordinary judgement to avoid
having to use his or her extraordinary skills."
 
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"There is no substitute for incomprehensible good luck."
        --Lynne Alpern and Esther Blumenfeld
 
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From comedian Mark Guido:
   Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they
   had towels from my house.
 
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Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
 
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What is the best thing to take to Russia on a vacation???
A return ticket.
 
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It seems that once upon a time Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev were all
travelling together on this train from Moscow to Vladivostok when,
at one point, the engines stuttered and the train came grinding to a halt.
 
Two hours later, nothing more had happened; the train was still stopped.
Stalin got up.  "I'll take care of this."
He went out and had all of the engineers and train-workers shot.
He came back into the compartment and sat back down.
"That should take care of it."
 
Two more hours passed; the train has not moved.
Khrushchev got up.  "I'll take care of this."
He went out, found a few engineers hiding in the rear of the train,
and, after a while, managed to persuade them to start working on the
train again.  He came back into the compartment and sat down.
"That should take care of it."
 
Ten minutes later there was this loud groaning noise from the engines;
the train lurched forward and then came to a halt a few moments later.
 
Nothing more happened for about an hour.
Then Brezhnev got up, drew the blinds, and sat down.
 
"Now.  Train is moving."
 
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   a recent TASS headline:
 
SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS
 
   A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four
notifications for army reserve service.  Since November, however, he
has been orbiting earth in a space station.  I guess the mail service
just isn't all it's cracked up to be...
 
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Mikhail Gorbachev dies one day and ends up in Hell.  Well, naturally,
he's not too thrilled with the idea of spending eternity there, so he
goes up to Satan and requests a change.  More specifically, he asks Ole
Scratch to help him get into Heaven.
 
Since Gorbachev was such an influential and important person during his
life, it's not too hard to work out, so before too long he's standing at
the Pearly Gates.
 
"Come on in, Mikhail," St Peter says, "make yourself at home.  I just
have to go do some paper work to finish this transfer, and then I'll be
right back."
 
With that, he leaves Gorbachev.  After a while, Gorbachev gets bored and
walks around to check out some of the sights.  Nearby, he discovers a
vast collection of clocks.  Some of them are moving very fast, some very
slow, and some seem about right.
 
He is amazed by this and is still thinking when Saint Peter returns.
 
"Tell me, comrade," he says, "these clocks: what are they for?"
 
"Oh, each of these clocks represents a nation on earth.  The faster the
hands move, the more crimes are committed by that country's government
against its people's basic human rights."
 
"Ah.  I see.  Tell me, comrade Peter, which of these is the Soviet
clock?"  With his hand he points towards a group of slow-moving clocks.
 
"The Soviet clock.  Yes.  Well, it's not exactly here."
 
"Not here?  Why not?  So the other nations would not be put to shame by
our great nation?"
 
"Not exactly... we keep it in the kitchen, as a fan."
 
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Which serves to remind me of seeing Yakoff on The Tonight Show, I
believe. During his monologue, he was talking about the USA and how
great it was, compared to Russia. The only thing I can remember is;
    "In America you have warining shots!
    What a great country!"
 
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Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;
 
Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isn't there;
 
Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
 
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I heard this one a few years ago in East Germany.....
 
Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow
by Gorbachev for a visit.  After weeks of preparation by Gorby,
Honnecker arrives in Moscow.  As part of of celebration activities,
there is a big parade through the streets of Moscow.
 
While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a small boy
aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?"  The child repiles, "Mother
Russia."  "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev.  The boy answers,
"Why, its you Uncle Gorbachev!".  Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and
what do you want to be when you grow up?".  The boy proudly replies,
"a good communist!".
 
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very
impressed.  So impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to
[East] Berlin for a visit.  Again, after weeks of preparation,
Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin.  And again, part of the celebration
includes a parade.
 
Remembering what Gorbachev did in Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene:
He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is your mother?"  The child
replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic--East Germany]."  "And
who is your father?", asks Honnecker.  "Why, its you Uncle Honnecker!",
replies the child.  "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker.  Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
 
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The Seven Wonders of Soviet Socialism (Gorby's got his work cut out for him):
 
(1) Everybody is employed.
 
(2) Although everybody is employed, nobody does anything.
 
(3) Although nobody does anything, the Plan is still fulfilled to 100%.
 
(4) Although the Plan is always fulfilled to 100%, nothing is ever available
    in the stores.
 
(5) Although nothing is ever available for purchase, everyone eventually finds
    everything he/she needs.
 
(6) Although everyone eventually finds what he/she needs, everybody ends up
    stealing.
 
(7) Although everybody ends up being a thief, nothing is ever found missing.
 
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Old Soviet Joke:
    ``They just pretend to pay us, so we just pretend to work''
 
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Q:      What is purple and conquers nations?
A:      Alexander the Grape
 
Q:      What is green and sings about a rocking jailhouse?
A:      Elvis Parsley
 
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From the San Jose Mercury News (who gleaned it from elsewhere) --
 
Sign outside a sporting goods store:
 
"Now is the winter
of our discount tents"
 
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As a Veterinarian, I am constantly made aware of hor pets are an integral part
of many people's lives.  I had just finished explaining to a bassett hound's ow
ner that her elderly dog had diabetes and began listing its probable causes.  S
he interrupted me when I mentioned the heredity factor.  "No one on my
side has ever had that condition," she quickly said, " and I don't
think my husband's family has either.
 
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     When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a
fule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients.  Our 11 year old seem
ed to understand, but our six-year-old took thee restriction very hard
 
     Se discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking
to her mother on the phone for the first time.  As she said good-by, she
tearfully exclaimed:  "Ill see you when I'm 12, Mom!"
 
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      The boy finished the university and received his diploma on agriculture.
 After returning home, the newly-graduated went to his father's farm.
      While walking with his father, he said :
      - Dad, you are working with very old methods. For example, you can not
        even get 10 kgs of apple from that tree. Can you ?
      - You' re right. I can't get 10 kgs of apple from that tree.  Because
         it is an orange tree .
 
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(Not that we never write anything like this, but this extract comes from
"Well Informed", the SBD-E (Rank Xerox) Newsletter:)
 
From a recent monthly report:
 
"Whilst acknowledging that ascertaining the requirements for an improved
system has been a lengthy and at times frustrating exercise, particularly
to those on the sidelines, the investigation phase of this task is now almost
complete and the draft versions of requirements for, and appraisals of, certain
proposals will be completed by the end of the first week in Feb."
 
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    An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately, though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This
adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit,
including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running
around like its step-siblings.
 
    As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an
identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the
problem. It allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was
unsure of its place in the univers, and was generally forlorn. Their response
was, "Don't scurry, be hoppy."
 
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Q:  Why did the elephant stand on the marshmello?
a:  So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate!
 
Q:  Why did the Elephant wear red tennis shoes?
A:  So he wouldn't be seen in a cherry tree.
 
Q:  Why did the elephant wear yellow tennis shoes?
A:  So he wouldn't be seen in a lemon tree.
 
Q:  Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry or lemon tree?
(If you say `yes' then you aren't playing fair!)
A:  See, it works!
 
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     A newsgroup called news.admin
     Has arguments no one can win.
        While some are the sweetest,
        The rest are defeatist,
        And some of the snobs there are really elitist
     On limiting whom they let in.
 
     And another group called news.groups,
     Has discussions that circle in loops:
        Are site admins better
        Than mere mortal netters?
     And how low can some people stoop?
 
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There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed-trap in a
small southern town.  The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him
before the local Justice of the Peace.
 
The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on
the spot.  The young fellow turned to go but was called back by
the Justice and handed the old ticket.
 
The speedster said "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I
paid my fine!"  Whereupon the old J.P. replied, "Keep it, when you
get three, you get a bicycle!"
 
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[This was posted in a local notesfile about alt.fusion]:
 
Sam>  In typical notes fashion, the first note available discusses
Sam>  splitting the group into three other groups...
 
Peter> This is confusing; based on the name of the group,
Peter> wouldn't it be more appropriate to join a few groups together?
 
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I understand that Dan Quayle has been a bit confused about this big
controversy that's going on over abortion.  He thought that Roe vs.
Wade was a debate about how to cross the Delaware.
 
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In article <3361@brunix.UUCP> cs132046@cslab2a.UUCP (Garrett Fitzgerald) writes:
>The same for Congress. There is a terrific book out called _Will_the_
>Gentleman_Yield?_ that consists of excerpts from the Congressional
>Record. There is one excerpt where a Congressman reads an article....
 
Well, ok, so someone beat me to it and told ya'll first.  I'll just have to
go out and find another one; but just so you all know what the book's about,
here's a litle excerpt.  It's really quite cute.
 
Mr Hinshaw: Mr. Speaker, under leave to extend my remarks in the
    [Congressional] Record, I include the following glossary of terms
    used to keep the wheels turning in Government and industry:
 
    Program: Any assignment that cannot be completed with one phone
         call.
    Channels: The trail left by interoffice memos.
    Coordinator: The guy who has a desk between two expediters.
    Consultant or expert: Any ordinary guy more than 50 miles away.
    Under consideration: Never heard of it.
    Under active consideration: We are looking in the files for it.
    Conference: Where conversation is substituted for the dreariness
         of labor and the loneliness of thought.
    Committee: A means for evading responsibility.
    Board: First, made of wood; second, long and narrow; and, third,
         sometimes warped.
    Reliable source: The guy you just met.
    Informed source: The guy who just told the guy you just met.
    Unimpeachable source: The guy who started the rumor originally.
    Make a survey: Need more time to think of an answer.
    Note and initial: Spread the responsibility.
    Clarification: Fill in the background with so many details that the
         foreground goes underground.
    Check the files: Ask the janitor to look through yesterday's
         sweepings.
    Finalize: Scratch gravel to cover errors.
