Date: Thu, 13 Sep 90 08:16:59 EST
From: Murph Sewall <SEWALL@UCONNVM.bitnet>
Subject: Amusements from Henry Cate III's collection
Sender: PHYDESBONNET@vax1.ucg.ie

 
"The world is full of people who want to live forever but don't know how
to spend a rainy Sunday afternoon."
 
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On advice about finding a book
The common theme of all this advice is "eliminate the muddleman."
 
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My favorite recent censorship story involves the school board that tried
to get "Making It with Mademoiselle" removed from the school libraries.
Endorsement of pre-marital sex and all...
 
Nobody had bothered to read it.  It is, of course, a collection of dress
patterns.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
1. A school board in Maine that had 'Black Beauty' pulled from the shelves
in the mistaken belief that it had something to do with sexy females of African
 ancestry.
 
2. A university in Australia that would periodically fail to receive its
subscription copy of the British scientific journal 'Nature', which the local
Customs officer took to be the title of a naturist magazine.
 
There's also the famous story in Playboy about the artist who was charged
with importing 'Obscene material entitled : Photographs of Sistine Chapel'.
 
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Q:  What was the last thing Jesus said at the Last Supper?
 
A:  "OK, everbody onto this side of the table so we can all get into the
 picture!"
 
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This is  a true story  that happened here some  time ago: An  old senile
woman got out of her house in her nightgown, and wandered into a near-by
graveyard.  Apparently she was suffering amnesia, and could not find her
way back  home.  She  was found  there three days  later by  the police,
almost dead of hunger and exposure.   It seems anyone she approached for
help during that time ran away screaming in terror...
 
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1>  Having just brought his son home from the eye doctor's, the Scotsman
    said to his wife, "Now be sure to take Donald's glasses off when he's
    not looking at anything."
 
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The other day a discussion on the big bang arose (somehow). One of the guys
 A born again christian thought he had the conversation stopper when he
 asked "What was god doing at the time of the big bang"
 
I replied that while I did not know what he was doing right at the time of
 the bang I knew what he was doing two seconds before.
 
He was saying to his boss  "Now dont worry this is perfectly safe !!"
 
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Why is there a fence around a grave yard
Because people are dying to get in.
 
 
What kind of key opens the gate to the graveyard
A skeleton key.
 
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For for a real high time, call CH3 COOH.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Among the first discoveries made possible by artificial earth
satellites were belts of strong radiation, named after Dr. James
VanAllen, circa 1958.  An scientist of oriental ancestry, named Fan,
made the discovery almost simultaneously but VanAllen published first.
The Earth narrowly missed having a Fan Belt.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
TRB in this week's New Republic contains a quote from Dan Quayle:
 
Dan Quayle, attempting to quote the motto of the United Negro College fund
(which is "A mind is a terrible thing to waste.") said:
 
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have one."
 
Hard to believe ....
 
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The following is from the Pasadena Weekly May 11-17,1989 classified.
 
    GUNSLINGER WANTED
Desperate neighborhood needs expert sharpshooter w/BB gun to run off psychotic
mockingbird. Pay $20 American.
 
Followed by name and phone number of contact.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
(J. Daniel Smith's East German joke the other day reminded of this one.
 Bill Fason told it to me a few years ago. --DG)
 
One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk
with his mistress.  He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a
present of her choice.
 
She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open
the borders just for one day."
 
Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her
request.  He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
 
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
This joke, making the rounds in Warsaw, was related in an editorial in
the Boston Globe, 6/3/89. {ed Edited}
 
A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close.
 
"So, Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife.
 
"Two," he responds.
 
She slaps him hard across the face.
 
"What was that for?"
 
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
 
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One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new
road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on
something hard in the ground. Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out
and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels,
coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness
and dance around madly. When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the
Polish workman's hand and ernestly says "Sir, we will share this just like
Russian - Polish comrades should" and the Polish guy says "Oh no, 50 - 50".
 
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A judge was seen leaving a Moscow courtroom doubled up with laughter.
 
"What's the matter?" asked a colleague.
 
"I've just heard a very funny anecdote."
 
"Tell me, please."
 
"I can't.  I've just sentenced a man to 15 years for telling it."
 
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A guard in camp asks a prisoner: "What are you in here for?"
 
"For nothing," is the answer.
 
"You're lying, you bastard!  People only get 10 years for nothing - but
 you got 15."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Mikhail and Raisa are in a small airplane.
 
"I feel sorry for those people down there," he said.  "If I could drop some
sugar they'd be happy."
 
"And if I could drop some soap they'd be happy," said Raisa.
 
The pilot, overhearing muttered: "If I could drop you both they'd be happier
still."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Peter the Great lost his pipe, summoned Peter Dolgoruky and told him to deal
with the crisis.
 
"It's clear - the senators must be arrested and tortured," said the Prince.
 
Later Peter found the pipe in his pocket.  He informed Dolgoruky, who replied:
"It's too late - they've all confessed."
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He
is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is
more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get
him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have
left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that.
The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for
the dorm. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well
try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups
of tea.
 
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they
are having a fairly wild party and they're *very* drunk. They also ignore him
totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes,
he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them.
He stands up, grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it
were a microphone he says:
 
"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30
seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian
gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
 
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the
desk-clerk calls after him:
 
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your
little joke last night!"
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
A small private plane took off from an airport somewhere in Afghanistan.
Midway through its journey, it developed engine trouble, so the pilot told
the passengers to throw out their excess baggage.
The American threw out his suitcase of blue jeans; the Americans have so many
of them one suitcase doesn't really matter.
The Brit threw out his box of Scotch whisky, because there is so much of it
in LimeyLand.
The Russian threw out his box of Vodka, because he had lots more where it came
from.
The poor Afghan didn't know what to throw out, because Afghanistan is so
poor it doesn't have a surplus of any material goods. After some thought, he
throws out the Russian, because the Afghans have so many of them, one less
doesn't really matter.
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
Why do fugitive natives of Czechoslovakia protest so much about discrimination?
Many places say "Sorry, No Czechs !"
 
Why do natives of Czechoslovakia shop in the US with their families?
So that they can pay in Czechs ..
 
Why is the "high-altitude dive stuntman" profession monopolised by criminal
elements of Czechoslovakia ?
Bad Czechs Bounce !
 
What does one say when he sees an armoured native of Czechoslovakia ?
The Czech is in the Mail  ..
 
Why do poor natives of Czechoslovakia not want to go home?
There is always a charge for returned Czechs ..
 
When I went to the motel , and registered, I found two natives of
Czechoslovakia in my room. Why?
I told the desk clerk , I wanted two Czech in... ( Sigh !)
 
 
 
There were these three Czechs who went out together for the evening.  They
wanted to go to a bar and get some drinks.
 
The 1st Czech walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
 
Czech#1:  (Standing as straight and macho as possible)  Hey, bartender, I'd like
         three drinks please.
 
BARTENDER: Coming right up sir.
           ... hey, you ain't a rope, are ya?
 
Czech#1:  Duh??
 
BARTENDER:  Get outta here.  I don't serve no ropes!
 
The 2nd Czech walks into the bar to see if he can fare better.
 
Czech#2:  (Suave, debonair, leaning against the bar)  Sir, could I please
         have 3 drinks.
 
BARTENDER:  Right away gent.
           ... hey, you ain't a rope, are ya?
 
Czech#2:    Duh??
 
BARTENDER:  Get outta here.  I don't serve no ropes!
 
The 3rd Czech decides he can't wait all night for a drink!
He puts on a tie and tousles his hair and then enters the bar.
 
Czech#3:  3 drinks.
 
BARTENDER:  I don't serve no ropes in here, ain't you a rope?
 
Czech#3:  No, I'm a blank Czech !
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
14 March 1989 issue of "Weekly World News" [one of those supermarket tabloids]
 
Computer Charged with Murder After Frying Chess Champ, by Ragan Dunn
 
A Soviet super-computer has been ordered to stand trial for the murder of chess
champion Nikolai Gudkov -- who was electrocuted when he touched the metal board
that he and the machine were playing on! "This was no accident -- it was
cold-blooded murder," Soviet police investigator Alexei Shainev told reporters
in Moscow.  "Niko Gudkov won three straight games and the computer couldn't
stand it.  When the chess master reached for his knight to begin play in the
fourth game, the computer sent a lethal surge of electricity to the board
surface.  The computer had been programmed to move its chess pieces by
producing a low-level electric current.  "Gudkov was electrocuted while a
gallery of hundreds watched."
 
The decision to put the computer on trial stunned legal experts around the
world.  [I hope computer experts are also shocked, so to speak.  --spaf] But
the Soviets are convinced that the computer had the pride and intelligence to
develop a hatred for Gudkov -- and the motive and means to kill him.
The mind-boggling murder drama unfolded during a six-day chess marathon between
the M2-11 supercomputer and Gudkov, a world class chess player.
 
According to reports, Gudkov defied all odds [Calculated by the same
supercomputer, no doubt. --spaf] and beat the machine in three consecutive
games.  And when they prepared to begin their fourth, a deadly dose of
electricity flowed up into the electronic board and zapped Gudkov dead.  Soviet
authorities initially thought that the surge of electricity was caused by a
short-circuit.  But an examination of the computer revealed no problems.
 
It was later determined that the machine diverted the flow of electricity from
its brain to the chess board to ensure a victory over Gudkov. [This implies
that Soviet semiconductors work at voltages of a few hundred volts, or maybe
their supercomputers are tube-based? --spaf]
 
"The computer was programmed to win at chess and when it couldn't do that
legitimately, it killed its opponent," said investigator Shalnev.  "It might
sound ridiculous to bring a machine to trial for murder.  [!!] But a machine
that can solve problems and think [sic] faster than any human must be held
accountable for its actions."
 
Rudi Hagemann, the Swiss legal scholar, agreed with the Soviet cop.  He said
that the development of artificial intelligence has come so far in recent years
that certain computers and some robots "must be considered human."
 
It isn't clear how the Soviets will punish the computer if it is found guilty
when it goes to court this spring. [Send it to a Gulag for reprogramming?
--spaf]
 
But Hagermann says the machine will probably be reprogrammed or dismantled
altogether.
 
[I don't think there's much to say here, except in the way of warning: next
time you accuse the system of cheating at rogue, don't say it too loudly! -spaf]
 
     [This reminds me of the WWN story from 10 July 1984 about the 58-year-old
     Chinese man, Chin Soo Ying, who had designed a computer system in 1950
     (based on the British Colossus) to express words of love and emotions.
     The article related how after he had built a new machine in the 80s,
     he was electrocuted by the old machine.  His wife was convinced that
     Chin was murdered by the old machine, which then committed suicide.  (The
     WWN hadline was "Jealous Computer Zaps its Creator".)  I recall this in
     the interest of perspective on the current story, and its source.  PGN]
 
----------------------------------------------------
 
For the same reason Larry Anderson of the Houston Astros' thinks of
things... as follows, again from the L.A. Times Morning Briefing
section of the Sports section;
 
    The World According to Larry Anderson...
 
    Larry Anderson, the Houston Astros' relief pitcher, throws a
    fastball and talks a screwball. He wonders about things most
    of us probably don't even consider:
 
    - "What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Co.?"
 
    - "How do you explain counter-clockwise to someone with a
       digital watch?"
 
    - "When you see a fly on the ceiling, was it flying upside
       down all the time, or was it flying right-side up and
       flipped over at the last possible second?"
 
    [Next Heading]
 
    Think tank: Why in the world would Anderson think about
    such things?
 
    "If you spend 10 years in the minors like I did, you have
    to have a sense of humor," he said.
 
    [Next Heading]
 
    "I can't tell if I'm in a groove or a rut."
    "If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing."
    "All I want is less to do, more time to do it in and to get
    paid more for not getting it done."
 
