CAFFIENATED SOFT DRINKS

The State of the Art

By Ted Bahr

Perhaps the most universally recognized tool for improving a professional programmer's productivity is C. Not
the C language (after all, this is the April issue, not February), but the C additive, Caffeine. 

P.J. Plauger would have us begin this review with a definition: 

caf-feine \ka-'fen, 'ka-,\ n[G kaffein, fr. kafee coffee, fr. F cafe'] (ca. 1828): a bitter alkaloid C8H10N4O2 found
esp. in coffee, tea, and kola nuts and used medicinally as a stimulant and diuretic. 

Much has happened in the Cola wars to date, and the intent here is to bring you up to speed on what seven
leading contenders have to offer today. Table 1 shows a comparison of basic features, Table 2 compares
performance, and Table 3 ranks the products on a variety of tests. 


Diet Coke

   Diet Coke is an ably launched sequel to Coca-Cola's well-known, high calorie drinks. It scours well in
   the mouth and the taste is surprisingly full-bodied for a soda drained of all sugar. As a member of the
   Coke family, Diet Coke places well in the performance tests with 46 mg. of caffiene per can. 

   Diet Coke supplies the user with excellent documentation, taking care to list a variety of vitamins and
   minerals of which it supplies less than 2% of the U.S. Recommended Allowances (U.S. RDA). The
   documentation is not perfect, however; one particular problem is sloppy indexing. Diet Coke notes that
   the product contains phenylalanine, a danger to phenyl- ketoneurics, but does so in tiny letters on the
   front of the can, not with the ingredients where one would naturally search for it (by contrast, Diet Pepsi
   places this information with the other ingredients in a bright red color). 

   A toll-free help line is provided to support all the Coke products--their commercials play in the
   background while you are on hold. Diet Coke is an excellent reproduction of the market leader and
   maintains its good perfor- mance for programmers while nodding to the increased helath-consciousness
   of the world today. 

Mountain Dew

   Long the late-night programmer's favorite with 17.4% more caffeine than any member of the Coke family
   and over 40% more caffeine than Pepsi, Mountain Dew means business. Clearly the heavyweight choice of
   this review, The Dew powers its way to a first place finish in both calories (178.8) and sugar(44.4 mg.). Its
   performance pales in comparison only to Jolt. 

   Mountain Dew's taste is sickly sweet--the refreshing images of people splashing around in ponds are
   clearly in reference to the energy derived from the drink's effect, not the taste. And the participants in
   the ads are certainly not programmers (imagine--swimming!). The scouring test was disappointing--the
   tiny bubbles seemed buried by the high fructose corn syrup. 

   Documentation was generally good, with more information revealed about chemical content than any
   product except Diet Coke. A toll-free help number is offered on the can and questions to the technical
   support staff were handled efficiently and pleasantly. 

   Mountain Dew is still sporting its peace-and-love 1960s logo. The outdated packaging combined with
   levels of caffeine and sugar that show almost total disregard for the 1980s health-consciousness reveal
   parent Pepsico's intent to market Mountain Dew as a niche product. With only Jolt to battle
   head-to-head on the high end, that's not such a bad idea. 

Pepsi

   Pepsi may be the choice of a new generation, but definitely *not* a new generation of programmers.
   Finishing dead last in performance and buried in the middle of the pack with respect to calories, Pepsi is a
   generally uninspired product. The user interface (taste) is distinctive, but its caffeine engine lacks the
   punch of the other products we surveyed. 

   Pepsi offers a toll-free help line and has adequate documentation, but finished at the bottom of the heap
   in the Grindstone (teeth-grinding after one six-pack slurped down in a two-hour period), ANSI
   (American Neurological Speed Institute) conformity, and compatibility with UNIX programmers. Although
   drinking Pepsi while chained to a 100,000 line Ada program for 36 hours will not make you a raving
   maniac, it probably won't keep you awake either. John Scully left for Apple years ago, and we cannot
   recommend this product for serious programmers. 

New Coke

   Coca-Cola's new upstart is a worthy alternative to sleeping at normal hours. It placed second in both the
   scouring test and the Wetstone (thirst quenching). The kid brother to Classic (real) Coke has a taste
   somewhere between the thinner, less-sweet Diet Coke and the heavy syrup of the original. Despite its
   less-sugary taste, Coke (its real name) actually has more carbohydrates than Classic Coke, leading this
   reviewer to wonder if the programmers who created New Coke were drinking Pepsi while they wrote
   the algorithms. 

   Coke's performance matches its siblings at 46 mg. of caffeine per can, topping all but the specialty pops
   aimed directly at software developers. With three relatively high-performance products to choose from
   in the Coke family, a programmer really can have it all. 

Classic Coke

   Also known as "real Coke," this product seems to be adrift in a sea of specialized competition. Various
   tests provided some pretty mediocre scores for what has traditionally been considered by the general
   public the most high-powered cold liquid stimulant (unless you favor cold espresso). 

   Documentation is thin for Classic Coke drinkers and thus tends to favor users who have some familiarity
   with the product. What's more, the toll-free help number was not printed on any of the cans we tested!
   While clearly a stalwart and founding member of the caffeine collection, advantages offered by a number
   of competitors may be worth a taste before settling on the real thing. 

Dr. Pepper

   While barely edging out Pepsi in caffeine performance level and defin- itely qualifying as a "boutique" soft
   drink, Dr. Pepper's unique user interface qualified it for review. Bottled by Pepsi, Dr. Pepper has had
   little national advertising in the past few years, being seen as a perennially big seller in Texas and a fancy
   alternative to root beer. 

   Despite this, Dr. P weighs in as a reasonable choice for programmers. The taste is somewhat lemony,
   light, and fruity. Documentation is good, but Dr. P lacks a toll-free number for support. When I did call
   technical support, the Pepper People seemed confused. I bounced seven times before finding the right
   person at the right number. However, once I got there, support was excellent and very cordial. 

   Although Dr. Pepper cannot be recommended outright due to its mediocre performance, slipping a few in
   between a long night of Classic Cokes may be just the change you need. 

Jolt

   Taking on the established Cola giants is a brash move for a little company in Rochester, N.Y., and Jolt is
   playing its role as spoiler to the hilt. In the face of a huge tide of "caffeine-free" soft drinks, Jolt boasts
   that it has "all the sugar and twice the caffeine." On the surface, at least, it seems as if the programmer's
   ship has come in. 

   Jolt's user interface is good, containing the bite and "look and feel" of Classic Coke and winning the
   scouring test. Performance is stellar with 32% more caffeine than Mountain Dew, 55% more than the
   Coke family, and a whopping 85% more than Pepsi. Unfortunately, none of these percentages back up the
   slogan aimed most directly at the programming market: "twice the caffeine." 

   While documentation is adequate, technical support was rather dismal. Jolt had the ambience of a small
   company, with the receptionist answer- ing my questions in an annoyed manner. She said the company
   doesn't release information on sugar content, which is odd for a company that boasts about it on the can.
   When pressed about the "twice the caffeine" claim, she said it referred to sodas other than the ones we
   tested but wouldn't reveal which ones. 

   Despite a shaky feeling about the company's ethics, programmers will find much to like in a can of Jolt.
   The only side effect may be too much of a good thing--the Grindstone test left me unable to bear the
   sight of a monitor, and soon found me lurching from lane to lane at 80 mph on Rte. 101, alternately
   screeching at songs on the radio and babbling incoherently to myself about RISC chips. Use Jolt with
   caution. 



The Winners 

A close look at the seven contenders in this review confirmed some suspicions and raised others. Pepsi's
performance rated too poorly to recommend, and Dr. Pepper's only real benefit is its unique user interface. 

Any member of the Coke family can be recommended for general-purpose long bouts of coding and the company
is to be lauded for maintaining performance levels in its newest releases. Jolt, the hands-down winner in pure
performance, is too jarring to be recommended for prolonged use, but can be excellent for short bursts ofr
quick patches. Based on overall excellence, the winner and sultan of swig for pro- grammer productivity is still
Mountain Dew. 

Table 1.

Comparison of basic features 


                        Classic Coca   Diet Mountain                Dr.
                         Coke   Cola   Coke   Dew    Jolt   Pepsi  Pepper

Carbonated water         Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes 
High-fructose corn-
  syrup/sugar            Yes    Yes    No     Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes
Caramel color            Yes    Yes    Yes    No     Yes    Yes    Yes
Phosphoric acid          Yes    Yes    Yes    No     Yes    Yes    Yes
Caffeine                 Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes
Citric acid              No     No     Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    No
Sodium benzoate
  ("A preservative")     No     No     No     Yes    No     No     Yes
Potassium benzoate       No     No     Yes    No     No     No     No
Natural flavorings       Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes
Proud sponsor of the
  U.S. Olympic Team      Yes    Yes    Yes    No     No     No     No
All-aluminum can         Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes
Toll-free help number    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    Yes    No


Table 2.

Performance 


                        Classic Coca   Diet Mountain                Dr.
                         Coke   Cola   Coke   Dew    Jolt   Pepsi  Pepper

Calories(per 12 fl. oz.) 144    154    0      179    170    159     144
Sugar (grams/12 fl. oz.) 37.20  40.00  .30    44.40  NA     39.60   38.00
Caffeine (mg/12 fl. oz.) 46.00  46.00  46.00  54.00  71.20  38.40   40.80


Table 3.

Additional rankings (1-10)
1 - Excellent, 10 - Poor 


                        Classic Coca   Diet Mountain                Dr.
                         Coke   Cola   Coke   Dew    Jolt   Pepsi  Pepper

Compatibility with
  Unix Programmers        2      6      3      1      4       7      5
Scouring effect           4      2      3      7      1       6      5
Wetstone(1)               3      2      1      5      4       6      7
Grindstone(2)             3      4      5      2      1       7      6
ANSI Conformity(3)        3      5      4      1      2       7      6
Sleeve of Eratosthenes(4) 4      3      7      1      2       5      6


   Notes

 1. Thirst-quenching. 
 2. Teeth-grinding after one six-pack in a two-hour period. 
 3. American Neurological Speed Institute. 
 4. Staining power test conducted on standard Beefy T-shirt. 

-- 
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| Paul R. Peterson - CUSA, Inc. - Salt Lake City, UT                      |
|  email: cusa!prp@uplherc.upl.com  - OR - cusa!prp@hellgate.utah.edu     |
|-------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| Pro'-gram 1) n. A magical spell cast over a computer which transforms   |
|  user input into error messages.  2) vt. An activity similar to banging |
|  one's head against a wall, but with less opportunity for relief.       |
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