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        CANONICAL LIST OF ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES


        Maintained by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com
        Last update:  940105
        Total entries:   239


        A compendium of humorous answering machine messages from
        rec.humor* and other sources.

        Criteria:  Humorousness; uniqueness of essence (minimize
        redundancy); avoid gender bias, ethnic slurs, and other really
        offensive material; correct spelling and grammar.  Exclude
        related humor that is not actually an answering machine message.
        Keep in no particular order, but try to group similar themes
        together -- I'm open to suggestions on better ordering.

        To count entries (paragraphs), run the rest through:
        tab='   '; sed -e "s/[ $tab]*$//" -e '/---.*---$/d' |
        ssp | sed '/^$/!d' | wc -l


        --- machine theme ---

        Well I finally got an answering machine.  Now how does this
        thing work?  Hmmm.  Press record button, I did that, and the
        light should be on.  I wonder why it's not working right.
        Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

        How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can't understand
        the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
        if I touch this...  YOW!

        You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go
        on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to
        say is, "We aren't in, leave a message."  That's why I've
        decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my
        caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
        answering machine message when you call me...

        (Drawling granny voice:)  Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
        didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine.  You jusht
        had to call and call until shummbody got home.  Now, shum
        people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
        lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage.  Thanksh a lot.

        You have reached 934-2435.  We picked this machine up at a
        garage sale in "as-is" condition.  You can try to leave a
        message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded.  If we
        don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

        Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05.  Counting
        down to test:  5...  4...  3...  2...  1...

        C'mon...  you can do it...  just a little one.  That's the
        way...  just a little beep, just a little one.  C'mon...  good
        boy...  here we go...  like this -- beeeeep, just a little one,
        beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon...  There you go!

        Don't you do it!  Don't you dare!  I don't want to hear it!
        Don't you beep!  If you beep, I'll...  don't even think about
        it!...  Don't...!

        No!  NO!  Not THAT!  Anything but that!  Not the beep!  No!
        Please!  Not the beep!  Anything but the beep!
        AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

        Hello.  I'm David's answering machine.  What are you?

        Hi, this is John's answering machine.  He's not here, but I'm
        open to suggestions.

        Hi, this is John's answering machine again.  He's gone and left
        me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's.  Life sucks.

        Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his
        refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
        message to myself with one of these magnets.

        Hello, this is Ron's toaster.  Ron's new answering machine is in
        the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the
        toast is done...  (Cachunk!)

        Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just
        eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls.  Say,
        if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just
        hold it up to the phone.

        Lindsey's not home now.  This is his domestic droid speaking.
        I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message,
        and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

        Hello.  This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
        depressed.  I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
        but all I get to do is answer the phone.  Life.  Don't talk to
        me about life.  Just leave your name and number after the beep.
        Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery
        sounding.

        Voice 1:  Answer the phone, please, Hal.
        Voice 2:  I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

        Hello.  You are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
        messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
        and their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through the
        office and don't need their picture taken.  If you're still with
        me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

        (Computer generated voices:)
        1:  Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone
            right now.
        2:  Yeah, nobody but us machines!
        1:  Right, just us machines, but don't hang up!  If you like,
            you can leave your name and telephone number...
        2:  ...and a message!  You forgot about the message!
        1:  Right.  Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief
            message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of
            this stuff until the real people get back.
        2:  ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

        1:  I didn't expect an answering machine.
        2:  Nobody expects an answering machine.
        1:  Our chief use is to get your name.  And your phone number.
        2:  Our two chief uses are to get your name and your phone number.
        1:  And message.  Damn.
        2:  Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
        1:  And time you called.
        2:  Oh, damn, we'll have to start over.
        1:  No time for that, so just wait for the beep.

        (Kazoo band playing "Thus Spake Zarathustra":)  Thinking you
        were making an ordinary phone call, you have instead reached...
        (TA-DAAAAA!) the ANSWERING MACHINE!  Leave your name and
        number, and we will get back to you as soon as we can.

        (Rod Serling imitation:)  You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a
        world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows
        explode.  You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary
        telephone answering device...  You have reached, "The Twilight
        Phone".

        Thank you for calling 434-2322.  If you wish to speak to Tim,
        push 1 on your touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to
        Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now.  If you have a wrong
        number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.  All of this button
        pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
        anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
        system.

        (Very fast:)  Hi, this is 904-4344.  If you want to leave a
        message, please wait for the tone.  If you want to leave your
        name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your
        name, then press 6 and dial your number.  If you want to leave
        your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
        extension 4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want
        to leave your number and the time you called, please press star
        twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

        Hi, you've reached the home of George Ledec.  If you are calling
        to collect a student loan, gambling debt, or other obligation,
        please press 1 and hang up now.  If you are selling any product
        or service, or requesting charitable donations, please press 2
        and hang up now.  Otherwise, press 3 and leave your message now.
        Pressing 3 is optional.

        (After a power outage:)  Hi, this is Ralph.  The good news is
        that my power is back on.  The bad news for you is, so is my
        answering machine.  So, leave a message.

        (Start, low pitch, slow:)  Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre
        evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy...  (Middle, normal:)  ...home of
        Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark, and Mike.  Nobody's home...  (Later,
        high pitch, fast:)  ...liketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen...
        (End, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish:)
        ...kkfjdkeirucjkljfklreudjfkleqBEEP

        This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
        thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
        name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
        you, and I'll think about returning your call.

        --- authority figures ---

        Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy.  No KG...  Er, no
        diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
        tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
        secrets you wish to sell.

        Hello.  This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone
        number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of
        the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union
        of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the
        Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First
        Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
        Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the
        Soviet People's Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of
        the Kremlin B Squash Team.  But hey, call me Mike.

        The President is not in his office at this time.  Please leave
        your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to
        invade, and the secret password.

        (Militaristic mechanical voice:)
        FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL.  KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
        THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

        You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile
        Storage Facility.  We are unable to come to the phone right now.
        At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list
        of targets, and we'll launch as soon as we can.  And have a nice
        day.

        You just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract
        Center.  Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and
        destination of incoming bogey.  TNR Surveillance will scramble.
        If you do not respond, this unit will assume incoming,
        non-urgent.

        (In Joe Friday voice:)  This is Constable Augie of the Canadian
        Security and Intelligence Service.  The phone line you have just
        dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by
        the Attorney General of Canada.  To facilitate our
        investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name,
        number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made
        now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations.
        Thank you.

        Vancouver Coast Guard, may I help you.  (Caller thinks they
        dialed long distance.)

        (Annoying flute music in background:)  Good day, Jim.  Your
        contact, Linda, is not available right now.  Your mission,
        should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number,
        and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
        in thirty seconds.  Good Luck, Jim.

        "I'm Morley Safer."  "I'm Harry Reasoner."  "And I'm Fred."
        "We're not home; leave a message."

        This is Walter Cronkite.  Bren's not here right now.  He's out
        on a date.  The idea of Bren entertaining a girl with his
        basketball theories and computer knowledge over dinner at Taco
        Bell should scare the hell out of you.  He'll probably be home
        soon, so leave your name and number and he'll call you back.
        Deal with it.

        (Imitating Mr.  Rogers:)  Hello.  I'm in the Neighborhood of
        Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone.  Can you
        leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone?
        Sure...  I knew you could.

        Kemosabe no in tipi now.  You leave'um message after little
        smoke signal, and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.

        Hello, this is Rip van Winkle.  I'm not awake to take your call
        right now.  Please leave your message at the sound of the snore.

        Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line
        where you can talk to me, Bren.  I'll tell you all about how I'm
        suffering in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby
        of being a power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.  I'll
        tell my deepest secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by
        short blonde sorority girls wearing short jean skirts, and you
        can decide whether or not I'm wearing pants.  Selected callers
        will get to talk to me live.  Since you're not one of them,
        leave your own personal secret at the beep.

        This is Dr. Ruth, Sexually Speaking, you're on the air...

        (In a bored voice:)  Heaven, God speaking...

        Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking.  If you leave
        your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you
        back as soon as I can.  Please note that I answer all prayers,
        but sometimes the answer is NO.  Bless you, my child, and have a
        nice day.

        Lucifer speaking.  Who in hell do you want?

        Hello, this is Death.  I am not in right now, but if you leave
        your name and number, I'll be right with you.

        E'llo.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Leave
        your name and number, and prepare to die.

        --- odd organizations ---

        Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole.  Right now, all our assholes
        are busy.  After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
        have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

        Hello, you have reached the DOE, that is, the Department Of
        Enemies.  Rick Burger is not here right now, so leave a message
        saying who you are, what you want to argue about, and where
        you'll be, and I'll be there.

        This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave
        your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
        vocabulary word.  Today's word is "supercilious".

        Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline.  Father Durway's
        not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
        confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
        soon as possible.  And remember, confession doesn't count unless
        you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

        Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
        Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  Bear
        a...  er...  Shalt not witness thy...  uh...  Neighbor's ass,
        Oh, I mean, false...  er...  Shalt not commit a bear...  Dern...

        (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:)  Hello, Brother
        or Sister.  You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and
        Jim.  We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but
        if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
        will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call.
        Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

        Thank you for calling the Satanic Hotline.  All of our operators
        are busy at the moment.  If you would like, leave a brief
        message after the tone, and someone will get back to you...
        When hell freezes over.

        (To scare off annoying liberals:)  Hello, and thank you for
        calling the Bush in 50 Campaign.  Your five dollar donation to
        get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically
        be charged to your phone bill.  If you would like to leave a
        message...

        You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline.  All our lines
        are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
        will get back to you as soon as possible.

        You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa
        Procrastination Society.  Please leave a message after the tone
        and we'll get around to it...
            (or)
        Hi!  This is Mary.  I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination.
        Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to
        getting it straight.

        Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
        We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
        tone, please hang up.

        Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
        You stab 'em and we slab 'em.  We have specials on Mondays and
        Thursdays.  We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if
        you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to
        pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

        (Demented, screechy voice; occasional background screams:)
        Hello.  Thank you for calling Last Straw Chiropractic.  (Raspy
        gasp.)  We can't come to the phone right now because we're
        making a couple of adjustments.  (Break a few small twigs; big
        scream.)  Please leave your name and number and we'll get back
        to you as soon as it is humanly possible.  Thank you very much.

        (Stoned, slow voice:)  Hey brother, you have reached the
        Narcotics Information Hotline.  None of us can answer the phone
        right now, 'cause we're trying to decide if it exists.  Leave a
        message.

        Comrades!  Southwestern Front Headquarters is pleased to learn
        that your unit has re-established communications.  The entire
        staff is currently busy discussing forthcoming operations with
        other units, but if you leave your unit name and how we may
        reach you, Chief of Staff Sterrett will contact you as soon as
        possible to discuss your concerns.

        (French monologue in the background:)  Around the world today,
        millions still speak French as either a first or second
        language.  But with your continued support and help, we can wipe
        out French in our lifetime.  Please leave a message in English
        at the tone, and remember, if someone tries to speak French to
        you, just say, "non".

        Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline.  Our
        operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
        contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of
        your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get
        back to you shortly.  Your help will enable us to bring these
        delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find
        them suitable positions in the forest product industry.  Your
        gift is, of course, reality deductible.  Thank you again, and
        have a nice day.

        Hello!  This is 1-800-PRESLEY.  Yes!  1-800-PRESLEY!  They say
        the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
        somewhere.  So...  Leave your name and number and tell us where
        YOU saw Elvis!

        Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles'
        secret underground hideaway.  I'm afraid we're all out just now
        on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering
        machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to
        April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think
        of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and
        we'll ring you right back.  But don't say anything yet!  Enemy
        agents may be listening.  When the computer has checked they're
        not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can
        speak freely.

        Sherwood Forest.  Which dear do you want?

        Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
            (or)
        Hello, you're caller number nine!

        You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK.  This is the Canadian
        Broadcorping Castration.  I am your host, Fred, and I will be
        with you for the next 20 seconds.  After that we'll play your
        requests.  Leave yours with us, and we'll try to fit it in,
        given programming constraints.  Thank you for listening to our
        show.

        Next on Public Radio 91 we'll be hearing music of Antonin
        Dvorak.  This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72...

        This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine
        Broadcast System.  This is only a test.

        Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink.  I can't come to the phone
        right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
        then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
        mind when you hear the following words:  orange...  mother...
        unicorn...  penis.  I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as
        soon as possible.

        (Operatic music like Rossini's "Stabbat Matter":)  Hi, you've
        reached Hell.  (Screams in the background.)  We're busy being
        cleaned by the light of eternal truth right now, so if you leave
        your name, number, and a brief message, we'll get back to you at
        the end of time.

        Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System.  If you are trying
        to reach Heaven, please press 1.  For Valhalla, press 2.  For
        Hades, press 3.  If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you're
        going about it all wrong, so *we* certainly can't help you.  If
        you'd just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.

        (Sultry female voice:)  Welcome to Susan's Message Parlor of
        Delights.  We would be delighted if you would leave your name,
        number, and of course a message that doesn't rub us the wrong
        way...

        Greetings.  You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
        Unlimited.  Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting
        screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the
        late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the
        Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It."  If
        you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not,
        please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
        size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on
        the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy
        involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip.
        Thank you for calling.

        You've reached the B&D Hotline.  All our operators are tied up
        right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of
        transgressions, and bark like a dog, we'll get right back to you
        with your penance.

        (In the background can be heard springs creaking and various
        moans; husky, soft female voice is best:)  Hi...  You've just
        reached Sharon's Pleasure Palace.  We're all busy as I'm sure
        you can tell, but when we're done...  we'll get back to you in
        whatever way we can.

        Thank you for calling Robert's House of Love.  All of our
        customer service representatives are, er...  busy servicing
        customers, so at the sound of the erotic tone, leave your name,
        number, and a short description of whatever turns you on...
            (or)
        Hello, you've reached Katie's Institution for the Preservation
        of Prostitution.  All of our operatives are busy right now, but
        if you leave your name, number and services required we will get
        back to you as soon as an opening is available...


        --- mainly musical theme ---

        (To the tune of "Ride of the Valkyries":)
        Leave a message...  Leave a message...

        ("Heartbreak Hotel":)
        I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell,
        And if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to BEEP

        (Pink Floyd's "Nobody Home":)  You have reached 587-8783.
        Please leave a message.  ("Ohhhhhhhhh, babe...  When I pick up
        the phone...  There's still...  Nobody home.")

        (Jimmy Buffett's "This Hotel Room:")  I ain't home, I ain't
        home, you better leave a message 'cause I ain't home.

        (Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
        Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
        No one's here, no one's home,
        Leave a message, at the tone.
        Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
        Leave a message, you can reach us.

        (U2's "With or Without You":)
        No one's here to answer the phone,
        Leave a message at the tone,
        And we'll get back to you.
        We'll get back to you!

        ("If I Only Had A Brain":)
        I might be in the shower,
        I might be gone for hours,
        I can't come to the phone.
        So, please leave your name and number,
        If I miss you it'd be a bummer,
        Leave your message at the tone...

        ("Raiders of the Lost Ark" in background:)  You've reached the
        residence of John and Tom.  We can't come to the phone right
        now, because we're cleaning the refrigerator.  Please leave your
        name and number, and we'll get back to you.

        Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of
        Portland, Oregon.  We can't take your call at the moment, but we
        would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works
        in progress.  BEEP

        --- family fun ---

        Hello, this is the Brown residence.  We're in the middle of a
        family fight right now.  Leave your name and number at the beep
        and whoever wins will call you right back.

        Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
        Matt:   Steve, what are you doing?
        Steve:  I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
        Matt:   But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
        Steve:  No, I'm sure it's my turn.
        Matt:   No, you're wrong.  It's definitely my turn.
        Steve:  You fool, I know it's...  Wait...  Matt...  What are you
                doing with that frying pan?  (BONK...  THUD)
        Matt:   Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and
                number.
            (or)
        1:  Hi, you've reached Bob and Faisal's room.
        2:  (Background:)  What are you doing?
        1:  I'm recording an answering machine message.
        2:  But we're here right now.
        1:  But we might not be here later.
        2:  Oh.  (To phone:)  Leave a message.

        This is Fred.  We are not...  excuse me a moment, please.  Put
        your sister down.  PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN!  (Sound of window
        breaking.)  Great!  What a mess.  I'll have to get back to you
        later.

        Hello.  I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE!
        DON'T STAND ON THAT!  ...Goddamn...  Because I've invited George
        and Barbara Bush over...  (Loud music cuts in:)  BARBARA!  HEY!
        DON'T FUCK WITH THAT!  ...Over for dinner.  After the tone...
        BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG...  MILLIE!  DOWN GIRL!  ...Shit...
        Leave a message after the tone...

        (Whole family crowds around, including screaming babies and
        noisy pets; to the tune of "Frere Jacques":)
        We're not here now,
        We're not here now,
        Don't hang up,
        Don't hang up,
        Leave your name and number,
        Leave your name and number,
        We'll call back,
        We'll call back.

        Hi!!  You've reached Janet and Chris's room.  We're not in right
        now.  If this is our parents, we're at the library studying.
        Yeah, yeah, that's it, that's the ticket.  If this is John,
        Chris is out with the girls at the party.  Yeah, that's it.  If
        this is any one else, we're at a party and you're not.  Yeah, a
        party with the president.  Yeah and the...  Pope.  Yeah that's it.

        (Loud sounds of a massive battle; calm voice:)  Hello!  Due to
        the breakdown in the 452nd truce, the inhabitants of village
        286-3589 are cowering in their bomb shelters.  However, if you
        leave your name, number, and a message, any survivors will get
        back to you when the 453rd truce begins.

        My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
        leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
        we're finished.

        Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone
        right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya
        likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
        real slowly.  So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
        our teeth we'll get back to you.

        Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
        your favorite color of underwear.  We'll get back to you if we
        like the color.

        (Woman, seductively:)  Hi, I'm Linda.  You know, it can be
        really lonely when you're a fashion model.  Sometimes I just
        have to...  (Interrupting:)  Oh come on Linda, give me the damn
        phone...  (Ask them to leave a message.)

        Oooooommmmmmmmmmm...  (Heavy panting and breathing in the
        background), Oh!  Sorry, I can't come (Oh!  Yes!  Do it to me)
        to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and
        number at the (scream, I'm gonna come!) orgasm.

        (Sexy, slow female voice:)  oooOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOOooo,
        Greg's out...  ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  OOOoooo, Greg's out...
        ooooOOOOO, Greg's in...  Humph, Greg's busy, you had better call
        back later...

        --- can't answer right now because... ---

        Dear Caller:  As I'm leaving you this message, the sun is
        shining for a change.  Little children are cavorting in the
        park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing
        practically nude.  So, did you really think I was going to stick
        around this dump?

        Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous!
        Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the
        week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

        (Automatic gunfire, explosions, rockets, jets; agitated voice:)
        I'm pinned down and can't come to the phone right now, and Bob's
        handling supporting fire!  Leave your name and number, and a
        message!  We'll get back to you as soon...  FIRE IN THE HOLE!
        (BOOM!)  We'll get back to you as soon as the air cover napalms
        the place!

        (Frantic violin music:)  Hello.  You have reached 435-3949.  We
        are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or
        being chased by, bats.  Please leave a message.

        (In a good Australian accent:)  G'day mate.  Can't come to the
        phone now because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile.  Just
        leave a message, and I'll get back to you.

        Hello.  I'm home right now but cannot find the phone.  Please
        leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

        You have reached 843-4734.  Please hold while I process your
        call.  (Pause.)  Our extremely sophisticated computer system
        performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
        our list of important callers.  None of our staff is authorized
        to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
        Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
        tone.  Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

        I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
        stupid talking to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if
        you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
        something about myself.  Thanks.

        I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
        to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
        this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
        it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
        listening to it...  I mean, like, wait, gosh.  This is so
        confusing.

        I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
        brain.  Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
        assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

        I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
        out-of-the-body experience.  In fact I'm standing right behind
        you and I can hear everything you say.  But leave me a message
        anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

        Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone
        right now, but if you leave your name...

        If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to
        the phone right now, but I can't, so if you could leave your
        name and number...

        Hi, this is Jim.  Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing
        my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring.  Please leave me a
        message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.

        Hi!  I can't answer the phone right now.  Bob, that's my pet
        parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb.  It wasn't lit, but I've
        got to get him to the bathroom.  Uh-oh!  (Sound of a paper bag
        exploding.)

        Hello, I'm not here right now.  In fact, I'm out getting a new
        parakeet.  If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure
        to get back to you.  Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never
        try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.

        I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the
        basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills.
        If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my
        handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you
        need after the tone.  If you're from the Department of the
        Treasury, please ignore this message.

        Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent
        the money.  If you are my parents, please send money.  If you
        are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
        money.  If you are my friends, you owe me money.  If you are a
        female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

        We can't get to the phone right now because we were killed in
        the earthquake.  Tragic, isn't it?  But, leave a message anyway,
        someone is sure to get it eventually.

        Hi.  This is David.  I've shut the ringers off on my phones and
        taken a sedative.  As soon as I finish this recording I'm going
        to bed indefinitely.  When I wake up I'll play my messages.
        Please leave one.

        (Narrator's voice:)  There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
        Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a
        veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
        it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it
        in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.  The bell hath
        sounded.  Thou must leave a message.

        We're not in cause we're out LOOTING!  Leave a message and we'll
        call you back and tell you what we got.

        (Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents:)  Good
        evening.  I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as
        he's quite tied up.  (Sounds of struggle in background, and
        voice heard through a gag.)  I should know.  I tied him up.  But
        leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he
        manages to get free.  And speaking of things that are not free,
        we now have this word from our sponsor...

        (Thug voice:)  Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
        They've been kidnapped!  So at the beep, leave your name, your
        number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper
        bag.

        Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
        Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
            (or)
        Hi there.  This is Joe speaking.  I'm home right now, and in a
        moment, I'll have a decision to make.  Leave your name and
        number and I'll be thinking about it...
            (or)
        Bob here.  I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls.  So
        start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll
        pick up the phone.  Otherwise, well, what can I say?

        (Fun to leave on a friend's machine when he's away...  Sounds of
        raptuous sex:)  Hi.  Mike can't come to the phone right now
        because he's having sex.  If you leave your name and number,
        he'll get back with you in juuust a second.  (Male groan; female
        voice:)  That's it?

        --- you're in big trouble ---

        Hello!  I'm on a four state killing spree!  WATTA YA WANT?
            (or)
        Hi, I'm not home because I've gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE!  When I
        get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I'll be sure to give you a
        call.  If I haven't ALREADY COME OVER, that is.  (Coughing loony
        laughter.)

        (Italian Mafia-style voice:)  I can't come to the phone right
        now.  Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk.  I
        think we're going to have to size it a little...  (Aside:)  HEY
        GUIDO!  GET THE CHAINSAW!  Anyways, leave your name and a
        message.  If I like it, you'll hear from me.  If not, you'll
        hear from Guido!  (Laughter.)

        (Sinister organ music:)  Hello, you have reached the Brown
        residence.  You now have two choices.  Number one, you may leave
        a message.  (Angelic "Hallelujah!")  Or number two, suffer
        eternal damnation.  (Horrid death scream.)  You decide.

        The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
        power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
        (Sound of a kitten meowing.)  If you hang up before you leave a
        message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty.  The
        choice is YOURS!

        Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
        I am an electrical engineer.  I can do that.

        Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits.  Keep
        your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
        time that you called.

        This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name
        and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will
        implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention
        of the FBI.

        You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your
        voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for
        later use.  Once this is done, our computers will be able to use
        the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and
        immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
        consultation.  However our staff of professional extortionists
        will contact you in the near future to further explain the
        benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of
        payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone.
        Thank you.

        Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain
        silent.  Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by
        us.

        Shhh!  Don't talk, just listen!  Meet me at the corner of Broad
        and Main and bring the girl.  (CLICK)

        After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
        the money.  I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
        come out of hiding.

        My time is billed at $125 per hour.  Please begin your message
        with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
        expiration.  I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

        Hi, this is Jim.  Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
        talk to my answering machine for only $0.95 per minute!  Please
        leave your credit card number at the tone...

        --- befuddle the caller ---

        (A busy signal.)  -- Steven Wright

        (Recorded directly from AT&T:)  We're sorry, but the number you
        dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

        The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The
        new number is 226-0477.  (Yes, same number.)  Please make a note
        of it.

        (This might be funnier in this context than actually on an
        answering machine.  It certainly will befuddle the caller!)  The
        number you have reached is currently unavailable.  Calls are
        being taken by electronic mail to bitbucket@no.such.address.
        Please be sure to include the phase of the moon, a lengthy
        .signature, and your UUCP-style return address.

        The party you dialed is not available.  Your call is being
        diverted to an alternate number.  Please stand by...  (Ring...)
        The number you dialed must be dialed by your 0 operator.
        (Click, beep, dial tone.)

        [Editor:  I don't find this one funny.  I think it's rude and
        immature.  But this is a canonical list, and some people think
        it's funny, so here it is:]  Hello.  (Pause.)  Hello?  (Pause.)
        Hello!  (Pause.)  No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
        Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.
            (or)
        (Long pause, sound of phone dropping, sleepy voice:)  Argh!
        (Pause.)  Hello...  (Sound of phone dropping, then a yawn.)
        Sorry man...  I'm a bit tired at the moment...  (Long yawn.)
        I'm going back to sleep now...  Just going to switch the
        answering machine on...

        Hello.  All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll
        leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time
        you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible.  Thank
        you and have a pleasant day.  (This can dissuade prank and sales
        callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

        Creamed asparagus!  BEEP

        Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am
        pimento loaf, leave me a message.

        Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
        Prepare for Test 1.  Is this tone louder in your left ear or
        right ear?  ...  BEEP

        All our answering machines are busy.  Please hold.  (Pause.)
        All our answering machines are...  (CLICK)  This is the
        answering machine of...

        (Pick up the phone and say:)  This is Chris.  I'm not here right
        now.  Leave me a message.  BEEP.  (Then listen.)

        This is Chris.  John and Mike aren't here right now, but if you
        leave a message, they'll get back to you as soon as they can.

        Hello, this is David.  I don't live here, so if you were trying
        to call me, you've dialed the wrong number.  On the other hand,
        if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your
        name and number at the tone.  I don't guarantee that one of them
        will call you back -- only that I won't.

        I just got a car phone.  I'm not here at the moment.  Leave me a
        message and I'll call you when I'm out.

        This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message.

        Hi, can I speak to Mark?...  Oh, there isn't?...  I'm sorry, I
        must have dialed the wrong number.

        Wrong number?  No sweat, I was going to pick up the phone
        anyway.

        (Deadpan voice:)  Hi, This is Dave.  Please leave a message as
        soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the
        tone.

        Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right
        now.  Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call
        you back.

        Hello, this is Ron.  I'm not home right now, but I can take a
        message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.  (Open a drawer
        and shuffle stuff around.)  OK, what would you like me to tell
        me?

        You've reached Mike and Nancy's answering machine.  They're not
        home right now.  At least, I don't think they are.  Hang on.
        (Voice moves away from recording microphone.)  Mike?  Nancy?
        (Voice comes back.)  Nope, they're not here, so at the beep...

        This is Anthony.  Leave me a message at the beep.  (beep)
        Whoops, I bet you couldn't hear that.  Lemme try again.  (Beep)
        Nuts, once more with feeling...

        (On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:)
        BEEP.  (Female voice:)  Hi Tony, this is Sheila.  I can't stop
        thinking about you.  When can we get together?  I want to grab
        you and undress you and then BEEP

        We're sorry.  You have reached an imaginary number.  Please
        rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

        Hi, you've reached 340-2359.  We're not peeb eht retfa egassem
        ruoy evael esaelp os ,won thgir emoh.  gnillac rof uoy knahT.

        This is Frank.  You can leave me a message, but I must warn you
        I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read.  So please
        use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation,
        and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

        Ahhhhhhhhh...  ahhhhhhhhhh...  (Heavy breathing sounds, like an
        obscene phone call.)  Oh, nuts, YOU called ME!  Sorry.  Never
        mind.  Leave your name and number at the beep.

        Hello...  Yes, I'd like to order two medium pepperoni pizzas
        please, with extra cheese...  Oh, did I get the wrong number?
        Sorry about that.  (Click.)

        (And here's a way to befuddle the *callee* rather than the
        caller:  Record someone's answering machine message as you hear
        it, and then play it back to them as your message to them.
        Repeat over time until something interesting happens.)

        (Another way to befuddle the callee; leave a message like this:
        "Hello.  This is a message for, message for, message for,
        message for," and then hang up.)

        --- other play with the caller ---

        OK, one more time...  This is our answering machine...  This is
        the message on our answering machine...  Any questions?

        (Classical music:)  This is our answering machine.  (Switch to
        heavy metal racket:)  This is our answering machine on drugs.
        (Silence...)  Any message?

        Thank you for reaching out to us.  Nobody is home now.  However,
        if you leave a message, we'll reach out and touch you.

        Hi, I am Chevy Chase's answering machine and you're NOT.

        Hello, this is your local zoo.  Do you like animals?  We are
        experiencing severe problems with hot water.  Would you be so
        kind as to allow us to bring our elephants over to your bathroom
        for a shower?  (The most common response:  "Well, sure, but my
        neighbor's bathroom is bigger and better equipped to handle
        elephants.")

        You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel
        very sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and
        your ability to resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you
        will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
        message.

        As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
        reality.  You begin to hallucinate.  You see a telephone...  The
        telephone is next to an answering machine...  You hear a faint
        click and a light flashes on the answering machine...  You hear
        a beep...

        This answering machine message is for all you psychics out
        there...  (Long silence...)  BEEP

        Hello, this is Jason's voice.  Jason's not here right now --
        hey, haven't you ever lost YOUR voice?  Well, believe you me,
        when I find him again, I'll have a few choice words for him.
        If you do too, leave them after the beep.

        I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name
        and number, I'll call you back when I am...
            (or)
        I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your
        name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in
        person.

        I don't want to bore you with metaphysics, but how do you know
        this is an answering machine?  Maybe it's a dream, or maybe it's
        an illusion, or maybe YOU don't really exist.  One way to find
        out is to leave a message, and if it's reality, I will call you
        back.

        (With strong east Indian accent:)  Hello, you have reached the
        existential hotline of Ransheesh.  I am currently meditating,
        but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently
        inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves
        and contact you when the stars align properly.

        Hi, this is Ed.  I'm secretly replacing Faisal and Bob with dark
        sparkling Folger's Crystals.  Leave your name, number, and a
        brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and
        percolated.  See if you can tell the difference.

        Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een
        the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng
        lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE...  (Oriental
        voice:)  Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special
        derively for you, here sir...  Ah, thank you, Kato.  How naice
        eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a
        birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB?
        It's a beuhmb!!!  (Muffled explosion.)

        Concatenation of events preclude our coming to the phone.
        Please speak freely, with magniloquence upon occasion of the
        tone.

        Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
        minutes.  Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
        weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White.  Sorry.

        We're not home now.  Leave your name and number and we'll call
        you back as soon as you are a vegetarian.  (Replace "vegetarian"
        with prejudice of your choice.)

        (Noble, aristocratic voice:)  Yes, one million dollars COULD be
        yours, IF you leave your name, telephone number, and the reason
        WHY you want to join the ranks of The Rich and Famous!  If this
        is Ross Perot, Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, or Princess Di, just
        leave your VISA number and expiration date, and we will
        definitely get back to you!

        (Annoying radio announcer's voice:)  Congratulations!  You have
        reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering
        machine messages in the greater Seattle area!  If you don't know
        who you are dialing, HA!  If you DO know who you are dialing,
        you were probably expecting something like this!

        (Oriental voice:)  Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's
        residence.  I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan.  (Godzilla
        scream.)  Oh no!  Godzilla coming!  Please leave name and number
        at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

        I'm not at home today, and I might not be home tomorrow.  So
        please leave a message after the tone.  I didn't take a shower
        today, and I might not take one tomorrow.  So if you don't leave
        a message after the tone, you might have to deal with me in
        person.

        This is Alan.  Leave me a message and tell me what I can do
        to...  I mean, do FOR you.

        (Noisy pick-up of phone.)  Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just
        about to steal Troy's answering machine.  If you give me your
        name and number I'll...  Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where
        he'll see it.  Uh...  By the way, where did you say you live?

        If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our
        weapons right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we
        probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

        I'm writing the definitive work on pain.  I would like you to
        tell me how this machine makes you feel.  Remember, be honest.
        This is for posterity.

        (Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice:)  Hello,
        this is the executioner.  Joe can't come to the phone right now
        because he's DEAD!  Leave a name and number and IF we decide to
        resurrect him, he'll call you back.
            (or)
        Tim's dead!  And God only knows where Lisa is!  Fortunately
        resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time
        to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next
        miracle occurs.

        Random fact number 10:  The first manned mission to Jupiter will
        be crewed by the Smiths.  Random fact number 64:  Dairy Queen
        discovered cold temperature fusion before the bums in Utah.
        Random fact number 36:  Bren's not here and he wants you leave a
        message.  Random fact number 22:  Bismarck is the capital of
        North Dakota.

        In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.  (Heeeeee-YAH!
        Sound of smashing box of kleenex.)  But this method doesn't work
        with a telephone call...  (Dial tone.)  Introducing the all-new
        Ginsu answering machine!  It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices
        your incoming calls!  How much would you pay?  Don't answer,
        because if you leave your name and number when you hear the
        tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

        Hi, this is Jim.  Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
        drive.  A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
        you an "I love Jim Shea" T-shirt.  Please wait for the tone, and
        thank you for your pledge.

        (Drunken voice:)  You have reached Bob's hotline.  We are not
        able to respond due to uninevitable circumcisions.  But if you
        leave your name and noomber, we won't be in wonder...  pa-a-a-a!

        Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that
        yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life.
        After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other,
        informative message.  Thanks.

        (Jack Webb voice:)  This is the city.  Lambertville, New Jersey.
        I work here.  I carry a tune.  I was changing my name to protect
        my innocence when I got a call about a 411.  It sounded like
        good information to me.  But I needed more.  A name and a
        number.  So leave yours and I'll return your call.  Or I can
        send you a FAX.  Nothing but the FAX, ma'am.  (Hum the "Dragnet"
        theme...)

        Knock, knock.  (Pause.  Caller thinks, "Who's there?")  Isn't
        that *my* question?  (Pause.)  Please leave a message...

        Yo.  I ain't here at the moment.  Leave a message at that silly
        beep and I'll get back...  (Sniff, sniff...)  Hey, what are you
        cooking?  It smells good.

        I can't come to the phone now, so...  Hey -- that's a nice phone
        you have there.  Hey sugar, you call this number often?  I bet
        you have answering machines bothering you all the time...  Yes
        indeedy.  Why don't you give me a call sometime and we can
        listen to some old recordings...  I might even play my beep for
        you.

        (Ominous electronic background music:)  In honor of Halloween,
        I'm about to perform an unspeakable pagan ritual.  So please
        leave a message.  Unless you're a virgin, in which case, why
        don't you stop by?  SINT MIHI DEI ACHERONTIS PROPITII...

        --- science fiction ---

        Bridge, Kirk here.

        Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please?  --
        Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency
        seven, do you want it on screen?

        (Star Trek theme in the background:)
        (Voice 1:)  Room 17, the final frontier.
        (Voice 2:)  These are the messages of Chad's answering machine.
                    Its two semester mission:  To seek out your name and
                    your telephone number.
        (Voice 3:)  To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

        WE ARE BORG.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
        But we're not home right now.  So leave a message at the tone,
        and we'll assimilate you later.

        Hello, you've reached 344-1312, the Apartment at the End of the
        Universe.  Please leave your message, name and number at the
        sound of the tone.  Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and
        obscenities inside the car at all times.  Enjoy your ride.

        (Darth Vader voice:)  Speak, worm!

        Alpha Centauri Space Station.  Commander Marlin can't come to
        the phone right now.  He's either saving the universe from some
        dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie.  Leave your
        name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

        A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to
        a channeler in the 23rd century.  Any message you leave will be
        broadcast into the future.

        You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton.  All our
        agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and
        cannot come to phone at the moment.  However, your name and
        number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly
        contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the
        new order.  Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

        Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the
        phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a
        message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away.
        Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

        Hello, this is Jim.  Unfortunately I can't answer the phone
        right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and
        I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the
        phone right now, the resulting energy release would make
        Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker.  So leave a message at
        the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component
        particles have been restored to their normal charges.

        --- brevity ---

        (Like a sheep:)  Baaaaaaa.

        I'm gone.

        (Klingon voice:)  ANSWERING MACHINE.  SPEAK.

        This is David.  Talk to me.

        You have reached 555-6238.  Why?

        This is you-know who.  We are you-know-where.  Leave your
        you-know-what you-know-when.

        You have reached 234-1243.  This is an answering machine.  This
        is the nineties.  You know what to do.

        You have reached the number you have dialed.  Please leave a
        message after the beep.

        This is a boring answering machine message.  Leave a message
        anyway.  (Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to
        hear your latest exciting message.)

        (Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:)  Don't you
        ever wonder what life would be like?  ...

        --- miscellaneous ---

        (For Shakespeare lovers only:)
        So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
        So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

        I am not home to talk to you,
        But please don't be a creep.
        Just leave your name and number,
        At the sound of the...

        This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria.  It's not
        the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here.  You
        can leave a message though.

        Hi.  Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
        regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were
        like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the
        compacted sand?  Well, sometimes I do.  Bye.

        Bullwinkle:  Hey, Rocky, somebody called while we weren't home.
                     Watch me pull their message out of this machine!
        Rocky:       Again?
        Bullwinkle:  Nuthin' up my sleeve...  PRESTO!  (Sound of vicious
                     dog barking, stops abruptly.)
        Bullwinkle:  Must have been a wrong number.
        Rocky:       Here's a chance for you to REALLY leave your message.

        (Recorded during a party:)
        HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB-BUB-HUB
         yeah!!         we're having a party!!  come on over!           B
             mike's not home right now!!                Look out!       E
        Hey what are you doing?                Careful it might spill.  E
                                      Was that the phone ringing?       P

        (A friend was at a mutual friend's sister's house, and when she
        went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message.  In
        a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice he recorded:)  Hi,
        this is Kathy.  I'm not myself right now.  If you leave your
        name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better.

        --- farewell ---

        These words are lovely dark and deep
        But I've got promises to keep
        and miles to go before I sleep
        So leave a message at the beep.

        Now I lay me down to sleep;
        Leave a message at the beep.
        If I die before I wake,
        Remember to erase the tape.


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