Subject: The alt.sex.bondage FAQ list (part 2 of 3)
Date: 26 Mar 1996 17:59:01 -0800
Summary: This posting contains a list of frequently asked questions in
    the alt.sex.bondage newsgroup, and a list of non-judgmental,
    frank, and in many cases sexually explicit answers.  You are
    encouraged to read the sections that interest you and avoid
    the sections that do not.


The alt.sex.bondage FAQ List
Where the kinky knowledge resides!
Part 2 of 3

This list is posted monthly, on or around the 11th.
Last-modified: 11 September 1994
Please send additions, suggestions, etc. to robj@unreal.com
If this posting appears truncated or damaged, contact me, also.

The World Wide Web version of this FAQ is at
.http://www.unreal.com/adult/asb/faq.htm
Please make links to this page, rather than posting separate
Web copies of the text of this FAQ.

This FAQ list is copyrighted.  The full copyright notice appears at
the end of each part of the list; please respect it.

Books could be and are being written about these questions; remember,
this is a thumbnail FAQ list.  If you learn anything from this list,
hopefully it will be how many questions there are to ask, and how much
there is to learn!  If you're concerned or curious about issues that
you feel are breezed over here, see the very end of this FAQ for a
list of wonderful books and sources of more information.  And if you
want more ideas or discussion about anything, well, what else is
alt.sex.bondage for?

This document contains explicit sexual information.  If you do not
wish to view such information, I advise you to skip this document.  If
you believe this document itself is obscene, I ask you to read my
response to question 20 in part 2 (you can search forward for the
number "20" without needing to read the intervening material).

Questions answered in this list (answers which include safety infor-
mation are flagged with **):

PART 1:
   1.  What do B&D, S&M, D&S, "top", "bottom" mean?
   2.  What is a "scene", and what is "negotiation"?
** 3.  What is a "safeword"?
   4.  When is pain not pain?
** 5.  What are some basics of safe SM, emotionally and physically?
   6.  Is everyone either a top or a bottom?
   7.  How can I learn to be a good top?
   8.  How can I learn to be a good bottom?
** 9.  Why is bondage fun?
** 10. Why is whipping fun?
** 11. What is body piercing?  What is "C&B" play, or "genitorture"?
** 12. What is cutting/burning/branding/electrical play?
** 13. What is it about breath control?  Is it safe to make someone
       pass out?
** 14. What are "golden showers"?  How about "scat"?

PART 2:
** 15. Is anal sex safe?  Why do people do it?
** 16. What is "fisting"?
   17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM?  What is "real" SM,
       anyway?
   18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?
   19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?
   20. Why am I defending SM?
   21. Is SM degrading or abusive?  Were most SM people abused?
   22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural,
       immoral, unethical, or unhealthy?
   23. Isn't the bottom always in control?
   24. Can someone _really_ be someone else's slave?
   25. What are the "codes"?

PART 3:
   26. My fantasies scare me. What if I get too into SM?
   27. I want to throw a play party; how do I go about it?
   28. I want to attend a play party; what is the etiquette?
   29. What's the deal with this anonymity stuff?
   30. Are SM people being politically and socially harassed?
   31. Why are there so many postings about {whipping/pain/slavery/gay
       sex/nonconsensuality/etc} on a.s.b?  Doesn't that stuff belong
       somewhere else?
   32. I'm sick of certain topics on a.s.b. How can I avoid them?
   33. I don't have access to alt.sex.bondage; what can I do to get
       information about the scene?
   34. What are some books/magazines/organizations/stores/news archives
       where I can get SM information or toys, or meet people in the
       scene?

-------------------------------------------------------------------

** 15.  Is anal sex safe?  Why do people do it?

Anal sex, practiced properly, is as safe as any other kind of sex.
And people do it because it feels good--the anus can be an intensely
erogenous zone.  In fact, far more straight people than gay people
practice anal sex!  The anus contains more nerve endings than any
other part of the male body, and more than any part of the female body
except the clitoris.  It's no wonder that anal sex is a part of many
peoples' sex lives.

"Anal sex" can range from simply stroking your or your partner's anus
with a lubricated finger, to actually sliding some fingers inside your
partner and stroking them, to full anal intercourse.  All these things
are physically very pleasurable, and if you simply wash your butt,
there's nothing repulsive about them.  The anal taboo is very old, but
there is no necessary medical reason for it if you know what you're
doing.  If you're concerned about staying clean, by all means make
sure you've gone to the bathroom before playing, and wash your
ass--outside and, if you wish, inside, with an enema.  If you want to
feel clean in order to enjoy anal sex, it's not hard to be as clean as
you want.  (It is also very important, though, to use safe sex
techniques, which I describe a bit further on.)

The main guidelines for anal sex are Communication, Relaxation,
Lubrication.  You see, your anus consists of two rings of muscle,
dubbed the external and internal sphincters.  Your external sphincter
is under your voluntary control--you can relax it at will.  But your
internal sphincter is _not_ under voluntary control.  If you are
tense, your internal sphincter will be tight, and trying to force
anything into it will hurt, which will make you (and it) even _more_
tense.  So the rule in anal sex is to go slowly; you can't force your
way into enjoying it.

Communication: talk about what you're going to do before you do it!
Don't just roll your partner over and surprise them; they won't be
relaxed and it won't be fun.  Make sure you both are comfortable with
the idea of anal play.  Relaxation: listen to your body.  If your ass
wants to be played with, you will know; if it doesn't, don't rush
anything.  Lubrication: your anus doesn't lubricate, so you need to
use a WATER-SOLUBLE lubricant such as KY Jelly or Probe.  Use LOTS of
it; it's clean!  The more lube you use, the more comfortable you will
be.  And finally, communication again: if you haven't played with your
anus before, the sensations will be intense and strange.  You may feel
like you are having a bowel movement when your partner slides their
fingers out of you; it takes some experience to realize that this
feeling is deceptive and that what you're feeling won't result in a
soiled bedsheet.

It's not enough to just clean your anus, though; your partner should
also use a latex barrier (a glove for fingering, a dental dam or a
piece of (non-microwaveable) Saran Wrap for licking, and a condom for
fucking) when having sex with you.  This is true in general, but
especially true for anal sex; unprotected anal sex is the riskiest
kind of sex with regard to transmitting STDs of any sort.  Also, using
protection often increases the sensation of safety and clean- liness,
which helps many people relax and enjoy the experience more.  (Some
say that anal play isn't as risky as all that.  The facts are that in
some cities intestinal parasites, spread by unprotected anal sex, have
been considered a serious sexually transmitted public health problem,
with thousands of people infected.  Decide for yourself how much risk
you want to accept.)  And anything that has come in contact with the
anus should be cleaned thoroughly (or thrown away, in the case of
latex barriers) before coming into contact with the mouth or vagina.

I already mentioned that it's not a good idea to force anything.  Let
me be more emphatic: if you feel pain in your ass while you're having
anal sex, STOP.  Too-rough anal sex can stress and possibly tear the
anal lining, which can lead to very serious infections.  Anal sex does
NOT mix with force, and should NEVER be used as a way to inflict pain.
And if you find yourself bleeding from the rectum, go see a doctor
IMMEDIATELY.  (Don't be embarrassed--they've seen it all before...
just get yourself taken care of!)

That said, I need to clarify what I meant by STOP if you feel pain.
That is what you should do: stop moving.  The pain may just be your
sphincter muscle complaining about stretching a bit, and when you stop
pushing it will stop hurting--and possibly relax some more.  If it
doesn't stop hurting when you stop moving, THEN you want to pull out
(slowly) and take appropriate action.  If it does stop, wait a little,
then begin again... your ass will let you know if it wants to stop
altogether.  (So pay attention to it!  Getting drunk is NOT a good
idea, as you don't want to block out any pain you may feel.  The FAQ
List No-Prize for Worst Sexual Product goes to an "anal lube" that
contained oil (and therefore couldn't be used with gloves or condoms),
AND which advertised itself as being best for anal sex BECAUSE it
contained benzocaine "for greater comfort"!  If anyone did hurt them-
selves through using it, I hope they sued the hell out of the
company.)

If you want more information about anal anything, see Jack Morin's
book, listed at the very end of part 2.


** 16. What is "fisting"?

Everyone (well, almost everyone) knows what finger-fucking is.
Whether in ass or pussy, it's terrifically enjoyable to stroke someone
inside.  (Fingers up a man's ass, if aimed properly, will tickle his
prostate gland, which feels AMAZINGLY good... just a little tip!)  And
people are generally comfortable with the idea of finger-fucking with
more than one finger.  But not as many people have been exposed to the
idea of inserting a _whole hand_ into the ass or pussy... which is, in
simplest terms, what fisting is.  Yes, it's anatomically possible, and
yes, it's EXTREMELY (so I've heard) pleasurable.

That said, it's now very important to explain what fisting is _not_.
You do _not_ make a fist and ram it home.  Fisting is one of the most
intimate and complete ways to touch another human being, and it is
something that has to be worked up to slowly and gently.  There have
been many posts about fisting on a.s.b, talking about the proper
technique, the safety concerns, the fantastic feeling of openness and
connection, the magical plane that two people fisting can attain...
it's an incredibly intense way to make love.  I can't do justice to
the firsthand descriptions others have written, but I can mention some
of the safety concerns.

First of all, cut and file all your nails until every finger is as
smooth as it could _possibly_ be.  Your fingers will be in some very
delicate places--places that may not have pain receptors.  You want to
make sure you minimize all chance of causing damage.

Use latex gloves.  AIDS is a matter of life and death.

You will probably want to clean your bottom's GI tract out.  What else
are enemas for?  Be gentle with enemas; warm water is best.  Don't use
detergent in enemas.  Some people enjoy putting alcohol in enemas; if
you do, use a VERY VERY VERY DILUTED solution, since it will get
absorbed _real_ fast, and the bottom won't be able to expel it if they
get too drunk.

Use LOTS (and I mean __LOTS__) of lube.  Push it in with your fingers.
Make a huge mess.  Get it all over your hand, the back of your hand,
between your fingers.  Keep applying it as you go.  You can't have too
much lube.  Remember, oil-based lubricants dissolve latex.  Some
people like KY jelly; others say it dries out too quickly.  In the UK,
a substance called "Aqueous Cream" is the creme de la creme.  Others
use "J-Lube," which is a powdered concentrate that when added to water
produces incredibly slippery goo; it's sold in veterinary supply
houses!  (Some people still use Crisco with latex gloves, on the
theory that the Crisco is just the best lube, and the gloves don't
break down _that_ fast.  This is risky, but it's an option.)

Go slowly.  Start with one finger and work up.  DON'T RUSH.  Be
sensitive to your bottom's feelings.  You are trying to persuade part
of their body to open for you, to admit part of you deeply inside it.
The energy will move back and forth, and you'll ride it, coaxing and
pushing, in and out, moving your bottom into a trance.  Keep communi-
cating with your bottom; gags, or role-playing where the bottom feels
inferior or is told to stay quiet, are not conducive to the kind of
relaxation and open empathy you'll need.

If your bottom suddenly hits their limit, you'll know; their orifice
will clench tight shut suddenly.  DON'T PULL OUT.  Stay right where
you are until the contraction ends, THEN start pulling out.  You can
pull a muscle or two if you try to back out in the middle of a
reaction like that.  If this happens, it's OK; you'll know to go
slower next time (if you both want to try again).  But assuming all is
well....

When you reach five fingers, you're almost there.  Now is when you
want to be most sensitive and most aware.  Your bottom is going to be
flying on pain and pleasure; a sudden flinch and you'll find the
asshole (or whatever) doesn't want you anymore.  Respect that, and
pull out (slowly!).  But if your bottom's bottom wants it, then you'll
slip your knuckles inside, folding your thumb inside your fingers, and
(so I've been told) your hand will NATURALLY form a fist--you DON'T
need to clench your hand or anything else!

Now the real fun begins... explore, entice, pleasure your bottom, who
will be in heaven... and when it comes time to pull out, do so slowly
and naturally!

If you have more questions (as always), post to a.s.b; there have been
some GREAT pieces on fisting in the past, and there will be more if
you ask for them.


17. Does the way I play qualify as "real" SM?  What is "real" SM,
    anyway?

Sometimes on a.s.b, people will post wondering if what they do is
"heavy" enough to be worth talking about.  How can a mere novice who
just got spanked for the first time presume to post about how it felt,
when there are people out there who wouldn't even have noticed it?

The answer to that is twofold.  First, there are an infinite number of
ways to play.  This is one of the reasons I like SM to mean Sex
Magick; Magick doesn't need to involve pain, or intensity, or bondage,
or role-playing, or anything at all.  Sex Magick is whatever you do
that fulfills a fantasy of yours.  **There is no right or wrong way to
do SM, as long as it is consensual.** If you agree to it, and if it
feels good (during and after the scene), it's the right thing for you
to be doing.  This FAQ list is really just a series of suggestions;
take them or leave them, it's totally up to you.

(There are players out there who get way heavier than I ever will--
into realms that I personally consider unsafe and even a little
insane.  Heck, for some people, being whipped is an insane idea.  But
the most important thing is the consensuality and the mutuality of the
play--that everyone involved in the play _wants_ to be doing what
they're doing, and that everyone can call it quits if need be.  What
other people think is not relevant; it is _their_ play, and _their_
choice as to what risks they wish to assume.)

Second, the "intensity" of a scene has very little to do with the
level of "physical sensation" involved.  Again, the magic is in the
way it makes you _feel_.  We were all novices once; we all know the
thrill of trying something new, taking your dreams and making them
real.  _That_ is what makes SM intense and enjoyable--that ineffable
rush of new horizons unfolding, the incredible sensation of trusting
someone else with your body and your mind, or of receiving the gift of
control over someone else.  It doesn't matter whether you get there
through S or M or B or D or none of the above; once you're there, it's
fantastic!  AND, it's worth posting about!

Sometimes, discussion on a.s.b veers into a heated debate about what
is involved in "real" dominance and submission or "real" BDSM
play. The fact is, given the diversity of players and playstyles in
"the scene"--and in fact the number of _separate_ "scenes" in "the
scene"--it is hard to pinpoint any one behavior as the benchmark by
which "real" is defined.  The principal common thread I can see is
that people into SM are seeking to explore their fantasies about power
and/or sexuality, to bring some of their dreams into their personal
lives.

One thing is sure: attempting to set strict boundaries around what is
and isn't "real" SM, or what is and isn't "true" submission or pain
play or roleplay, is an endeavor fraught with peril.  More often than
not, people who believe they know the definition of "true" SM are
interested in flaming others who disagree, rather than in honestly
sharing their perceptions while remaining open to the views of others.
As with any labels or preset "norms" of human behavior, one can debate
endlessly about whether the "norm" is really "normal", or one can
speak from one's personal experience.  The latter generally leads to
better and more revealing discussions.

One topic that does come up in this context, though, is whether only
consensual SM is real SM--or rather, whether the term "SM" excludes
any behaviors that are not consensual.  As I stated in the beginning
of this FAQ, I use "SM" here to refer to acts between consenting
adults; most a.s.b posters and people in the scene likewise use "SM"
as short for "consensual SM."  There is no doubt that many people who
practice consensual BDSM enjoy fantasies involving acts of
nonconsensual bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, and/or
masochism.  But when it comes to real life, consent is of fundamental
importance.  A story may include nonconsensual acts and yet be an SM
story; an SM relationship can become abusive while remaining an SM
relationship; but when people here on a.s.b and in the larger scene
talk about SM as it ought to be and should be (and in my experience,
as it usually is), they mean consensual, healthy SM.  (See questions
21 and 22 as well.)

Some people state, "SM originally referred to the practices described
in the writing of the Marquis de Sade [to whom consent was
irrelevant], so modern SM people are lying when they say consent is
important in 'real' SM!"  They're simply playing the "change the
definition of 'real' to one which I can flame about" game.  Besides,
if we _were_ all lying in order to deceive people into playing with us
(so we could then abuse them), we would be doing ourselves a massive
disservice by educating people about consent and about
negotiation--knowledge which would serve to protect people from us!
You'll need to judge whether we mean what we say about the importance
of consent.

A frequently heard acronym on a.s.b is "YKINOK"--which stands for
"Your Kink Is Not OK."  a.s.b is largely composed of postings by
people whose sexual practices are considered unhealthy or at least
weird by many others.  We recognize here that different people really
do have different sexualities, and different preferences.  Hence, we
try to avoid blanket statements such as "Behavior X is WRONG!" or
"Behavior X is NOT OK!" or more generally, "_Your_ kink is NOT OK!"
We would instead say, "Your kink would not be OK _for me_.  Here are
some of the risks I see in that kink.  How do you deal with them?"
From that point, discussion and education can flow, as they cannot
from a flat YKINOK.  (And conversely, we don't say, "Your kink IS
OK!"--since there are almost _no_ behaviors that _everyone_ enjoys.
The OK-ness of consensual practices is, and must be, determined on an
_individual_ basis.)


18. What is it about leather/latex/high heels/corsets/other fetishes?

All these things--erotic clothing or objects of whatever type--are
"fetishes".  A fetish is any object which has sexual connotations for
you.  If it makes you feel sexy to wear it, or to see it on someone
else, it's a fetish.  There's nothing wrong with having fetishes; in
fact, it's a rare person who _doesn't_ have any!  Some people are
turned on by armpits; some by painted toenails; some by good old
lingerie.  The techniques of negotiation and communication that I've
already talked about can also come in handy in exploring your
particular fetishes, whatever they are.

Leather is one of the most basic fetishes in the scene.  Leather
skirts, leather chaps, leather harnesses, leather cuffs, on and on.
Likewise for latex.  Much of the appeal of these two substances, it
seems to me, is in their tightness and their shininess; clothes made
out of them enhance your awareness of your sensual self, and
restraints made out of them can cling like a second skin.  In general,
leather and latex are two really big categories of fetish--and a
fetish is defined as something that turns some people on; if you have
to ask, you probably won't understand!

Leather clothes absorb fluids; don't get them wet.  Plain water will
damage the leather; blood or other bodily fluids will also leave their
scent in the leather.  You can use saddle soap and water to clean your
leather, and neats-foot oil to keep it supple and in good con- dition.

Latex doesn't absorb water-based fluids, but oils will damage it, and
prolonged exposure to sunlight will cause it to break down.  When
putting your latex on, apply lots of talc to yourself and to the
insides of your latex; this will make it easy to slide it on.  Don't
pull the latex with your nails, or it'll rip; likewise make sure you
cut your toenails before putting on latex stockings.  After removing
latex clothes, wash them with water to remove oils, then dry them (and
some say powder them) for storage.

There are also PVC clothes ("wetlook" clothes), which are usually
black, shiny, and stretchy.  PVC is basically plastic-coated fabric,
and is washable, as well as relatively inexpensive.

Of course, good old lingerie can be very arousing indeed.  It's often
true that a little clothing is even sexier than none at all.  Erotic
costumes and attire can add a lot of spark to a scene; they can set
the stage like nothing else.  The mind is the biggest erogenous zone,
and role-playing and mock acting can be very very hot. whether
combined with any other elements of SM, or not.

As for corsets and high heels: they're both restrictive garments that
enhance the curves of the body, and that work really well as part of
SM play--they can enhance the domineering tread of a mistress or
hobble the steps of a slave.  They are some of the classic fetish
items.  High enough heels can make it altogether impossible to walk,
which can be very sexy!  Corsets, properly applied, can dramatically
change the shape of your body, while intensifying sensation through-
out.  And corsets and high heels, like any fetish, can be combined
with many many different kinds of scenes.

Other fetishes: dirty jockstraps, boxer shorts on women, formal
clothes on men, cowboy gear, uniforms (police/military/what-have-
you), nurses' outfits, harem girl attire... the list goes on and on.
If it turns you on to wear it or to see your partner wearing it, why
not make it part of a scene?  (A button I heard about recently: "Are
you into casual sex... or should I dress up?")

In general with fetishes, anything goes!  If you find yourself
becoming more involved with a fetish than you want to be, then you can
take steps to look at your behavior and determine if you want to
change it. But if you like it, and your partner likes it (or likes
that you like it), and if it's consensual all around, then go for it!
And if you like fetish clothing, check out the alt.sex.fetish.fashion
newsgroup--it's young, but it's growing....


19. What about shaving body hair and/or crossdressing?

Another fetish many people have is smooth skin, with no body hair.
Shaven skin is silky soft, completely and utterly naked, and very
vulnerable.  Shaven legs, armpits, or genitals can feel very different
indeed than hairy ones... and since the name of the game is sensation,
naturally shaving and SM can go together!

Since shaving is conventionally a female activity, it carries an added
charge when men are shaved.  It can be at once humiliating and
enormously arousing.  Many men enjoy shaving themselves in order to
play with cross-dressing (dressing as a woman); hence I mention these
two topics together.  Shaving first.

How to shave?  Use a sharp razor and a bowl of hot water; splash water
over your leg (or wherever) and lather with shaving cream.  Then shave
_with_ the direction of the hair (i.e. shave down the leg towards the
ankle, or shave from the navel towards the crotch); going against the
direction of the hair can lead to ingrown hairs when it starts to grow
back.  Shave with short strokes, dipping the razor frequently in the
bowl to remove the hair.  If you shave only seldom, you may go through
a couple of razor blades doing your legs alone.

Some people who shave infrequently use an electric razor first to
remove most of the hair, then a hand razor for the remainder and on
the sensitive areas.  (Electric razors tend to pull hair, and they are
most annoying on genitals.)  Some people swear by waxing (using sticky
wax to pull hair out) or by other non-shaving methods of hair removal;
to each their own.  Shaving can be part of a scene; I've seen many
gay-male SM movies with big male tops forcibly shaving their
prisoners, and I've also seen dominatrixes washing then shaving their
bottom's asses.  (It's hard to reach back there yourself, and being
bound while a razor GENTLY strokes your most sensitive region is...
well... VERY intense!)  Then once they're shaven, you can go on to all
sorts of other fun.

About crossdressing: many men enjoy dressing in female clothes, either
because the clothes feel good, look good, or are humiliating to wear.
Whatever the reason, there's no doubt that lots of people enjoy this
sort of thing.  Makeup is often part of this sort of play, as well.
Many women also enjoy dressing up as men; switching gender roles can
open up a vast range of possibilities.  Some people call this "gender-
fuck"--i.e. fucking with one's perceptions of gender, or fucking
someone who's assuming a different gender, or both.

There is a spectrum of attitudes among those who play like this.  Some
just enjoy wearing opposite-sex clothes because they feel nice.  Some
fantasize about actually being a person of the opposite sex, and use
those fantasies in their scenes.  Some people want to take it to the
point of going out in public dressed as, and acting like, the other
gender so accurately that they pass--i.e. are mistaken for the gender
that they're assuming.  They may find doing this enjoyable because of
the fun in faking people out, and/or the thrill of successfully
transforming oneself into one's fantasy image.

Some people actually feel that their biological sex is fundamentally
at odds with the gender they feel themselves to be.  They may feel
like a man who happened to be born with a woman's body, or vice versa.
These people are known as transsexuals, and may have operations to
change their bodies and genitals to more closely correspond to the
gender they most identify with.  Transsexuals are still very widely
stigmatized; it is not easy to live in this very gender-based and
sex-role-oriented society if you don't conform to the standard
pattern, and transsexuals definitely do not.  And while many of the
kinds of genderfuck I mentioned are "play", transsexuals are not
playing; their gender identity is a vitally serious issue to them.
(Though when they _want_ to play, there are few people who know more
about it :-)

It's important to realize that these groups of people are distinct;
just because a man enjoys wearing panties underneath his business suit
does not mean he has any desire to get a sex change operation.  As
with all aspects of human sexuality, gender and gender play
encompasses a wide array of levels, and honest communication is the
only way to know what a particular person is into.

Gender play can be combined with all the other things in this list to
create some extraordinarily powerful sex magick.  As always, listen to
your desires, decide how much you actually want to make real (and how
quickly), communicate, and play!


20. Why am I defending SM?

One of the problems with SM is the social programming against it.  Our
culture isn't used to the idea that sex is fun and pushing one's
limits in search of pleasure is a damned enjoyable thing to do.

In this FAQ posting I have attempted to explain the ways I feel and my
friends feel about SM.  I am doing this because I used to know very
little about SM; I only knew I was interested.  Through a.s.b and lots
of new friends and LOTS of wonderful experiences, I learned.  My life
has been enriched and my relationships deepened and strengthened, by
my experience with SM, by the communication skills I've learned, and
by the sexual introspection I've performed.  Now I want to describe
all that in as open and frank a manner as I know how.

Sometimes that openness and frankness slops over into apologia.  I am
trying to avoid that, as I think there are few people sicker than
those who believe they have the right to tell others how to live and
love.  If you believe SM is sick or disgusting, I tell you you are
simply wrong; some of the greatest acts of love I have ever witnessed
have occurred in an SM context.  If you don't think you'd like it,
that's more than fine with me; I would just ask that you be open to
what the SM community may have to teach about consensuality,
negotiation, safety, and exploration.

When I first started fantasizing about SM-related activities I was
very young indeed--under ten years old.  I don't know where these
aspects of my sexuality came from; certainly not from my family.  But
when I started learning about SM, I was first excited that there were
others out there who enjoy these things, and then depressed that there
is lots of wrong and harmful information out there about SM people and
what we do.  This FAQ list is my attempt to help spread some better
information, in the hopes that the more everyone knows about what SM
_really_ is (and what it is _not_), the harder it will be for people
to use twisted facts to condemn others because of their sexuality.

Also, there are things I'm describing that _I_ don't enjoy (at least
not yet :-) This is not the FAQ List of the Gods, so don't take it as
such; listen to what I say and draw your own conclusions.  And fer
pete's sake, post to alt.sex.bondage with your questions and thoughts
and fantasies and dreams; the blood of a.s.b is always freshened by
new posters!  (It helps distract us from the flame wars!)


21. Is SM degrading or abusive?  Were most SM people abused?

Often people approach SM with nothing but negative stereotypes in
their mind.  The will-less slave dominated by the overbearing
thoughtless master.  The pervert who enjoys being hit because he
thinks he deserves no better.  These images, negatively charged with
connotations of abuse, do not reflect the reality of consensual SM.

First, were SM people abused as children?  This is a common
stereotype.  Straw polls of people on a.s.b seem to indicate no
particular pattern of abuse, and there have been very few, if any,
scientific studies of the question.  Some people see an increased
correlation, but there is little actual evidence.

This stereotype is usually just _assumed_ to be true, as an expression
of SM-negativity--"Oh, anyone who likes that must have been really
damaged as a kid."  Similar claims were once widely made about
homosexuals and homosexuality.  (As one data point, I personally
wasn't abused as a child, for which I'm grateful.  And I'm very into
various aspects of SM, for which I'm also grateful.)  In general, in
fact, no one seems to have any idea of why some people enjoy SM
behaviors or fantasies, and others don't.  Rather like no one really
knows what determines sexual orientation, or preferred body type, or
much of anything else where human sexuality is concerned.  The notion
of a "normal" sexuality is widely overrated... the range of variations
is incredible.

Once you actually look at people who are involved in SM, and at what
they do, you realize that what is actually happening is a powerful
expression of love, which expands into sensual realms outside the
ordinary.  True SM is consensual, strengthening, and sustaining; true
degradation is _not_.  Therein lies the difference, and it is truly an
all-important difference.

Occasional debates on a.s.b revolve around the (relatively few) people
who practice full-time dominant/submissive relationships.  Such
relationships require lots of self-inquiry and self-examination to see
that both partners are benefiting and growing.  Sometimes the claim is
made that such BDSM relationships are just ways for the dominant to
break down their submissive's will, and to accept abuse because the
submissive (according to the dominant, and perhaps also in the
submissive's own opinion) deserves no better.  (This is essentially
what a wife-battering husband does: he takes control of his wife's
self-perception, and convinces her that the abuse is the necessary
price to be paid for her to remain with him; it is no more than her
due.  And moreover, she is not to complain.)

This kind of relationship is _not_ a consensual BDSM relationship; the
dominant in a consensual relationship listens to and respects the
limits of their bottom, and does not seek to break down the bottom's
personality, but rather to build it up through the kind of
relationship that both enjoy and desire.  Such relationships almost
always contain an "escape clause," such that if the bottom is truly
feeling deprived or abused, the bottom can ask to set the roles aside
and talk with the top as equals.  (In other words, a relationship
safeword.)  Such concern for clear communication when things don't go
well (as well as when they do) is the hallmark of a healthy BDSM
relationship.  And every text I have read about long-term BDSM
relationships stresses the importance of emotional safety issues.  (As
I mentioned previously, people who have issues around their sense of
self should be aware that SM is potentially risky in that area.  Of
course, _any_ relationship is potentially risky for such people....)

Doing SM as part of a mutual, consensual relationship can be
enormously affirming.  SM can be a way to give yourself to your lover
more deeply than you ever thought you could, and can give outlet to
fantasies you never imagined could come true.  This kind of active,
dynamic self-expression can give a tremendous boost to the self-esteem
and the psychological well-being of both partners.  Getting what you
want out of your sex life may not be a cure-all, but it can sure help
a lot.  I recommend the book _Ties that Bind_, listed at the end of
part 3, to people exploring these issues.

(Some call all this doubletalk, denying that _anyone_ could ever
_really_ benefit from submitting to a lover whom they trust.  All I
can say to that is, my personal experience is far otherwise, as is
that of many of my friends, and many professional therapists
acknowledge that it's quite possible for a submissive in a consensual
relationship to be very psychologically healthy.  Decide for
yourselves whether we are to be believed.)

Another root of the negative stereotypes is simple aversion to
sexuality in general.  The concepts of "limits" and "negotiation" are
inherently revolutionary, in a world where many people can't bring
themselves to talk about _anything_ related to sex.  Yet without
understanding these concepts, it's hard to understand SM.  Everyone
who first looks at SM needs to do some amount of pushing past their
prejudices; for some it's harder than for others.

Some people wonder how women into SM can consider themselves
feminists.  Isn't feminism about controlling your sexuality, about not
submitting to anyone else, ever?  Personally, I believe (and _many_
women on a.s.b agree) that feminism is about empowering women to make
their _own_ choices, to live life their own way, without being limited
by ideas about what women "should" do or how they "ought" to behave.
And in that light, it makes little difference whether the limiting
ideas are those of the patriarchal CEO or the "radical feminist"
criticizing SM in _Ms._ magazine; both the CEO and the writer are
attacking womens' right to do as _they_ choose.

At this point I want to include some material sent out by the
Leather/Fetish Celebration committee about abuse in the SM community.
This is valuable stuff for anyone interested in distinguishing
consensual SM from abuse; while no list of questions can substitute
for personal inquiry and knowledge of the people involved, this list
is at least thought-provoking.  (There is no consent-o-meter to
determine whether someone is consenting to SM behavior; the best we
poor humans can do is look at situations on a case-by-case basis.)
Thanks, Leonard.

----------------

The Celebration Wants You to Know About...  Domestic Violence in the
S/M Community
 
Domestic violence is not the same as consensual s/m. Yet, abusive
relationships do exist within the leather-s/m community, as with all
groups. Unfortunately, due to our sexual orientation, abused persons
who are into s/m may suffer additional isolation and may hesitate to
turn to available resources for fear of rejection or of giving
credence to stereotypes. No group is free of domestic battering; but
fear, denial, and lack of knowledge have slowed public response to
this serious social problem.
 
Domestic violence is not restricted to one particular group within the
s/m community.  A person's size, gender, or particular sex role
(top-bottom, butch-femme) is irrelevant; anyone can be subject to
abuse.
 
Abuse tends to be cyclical in nature and escalates over time. It is a
pattern of intentional intimidation for the purpose of dominating,
coercing, or isolating another without her or his consent. Because of
the intimidation factor, where there is abuse in any part of the
relationship, there can be no consent.
 
Defining the Problem: The following questions can help a person to
define the problem, which can have characteristics that are physical,
sexual, economic, and psychological.
 
Does your partner ever hit, choke, or otherwise physically hurt you
outside of a scene? Has she or he ever restrained you against your
will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
 
Are you afraid of your partner?
 
Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends? Rape and forced
sexual acts are not part of consensual s/m. Battering is not something
that can be "agreed" upon; there is an absence of safe words or
understandings. Has she or he ever violated your limits?  Do you feel
trapped in a specific role as either the top or bottom?  Does your
partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means
of control, or ridicule you for the limits you set?  Do you feel
obligated to have sex?  Does your partner use sex to make up after a
violent incident?  Does your partner isolate you from friends, family,
or groups?  Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened
pets? Has your partner abused or threatened your children?
 
Does your partner limit access to work or material resources? Has he
or she ever stolen from you or run up debts?
 
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
 
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional
distance and being very close? Is your partner constantly criticizing
you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem? Does
your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration? Do
you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering
you?

No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the
violence. You are not alone; connect with other survivors.  There are
reasons for staying in abusive relations: fear of (or feelings for)
the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay,
help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups,
counselors, anti-violence programs, and crisis lines in your area; ask
a friend to help you make these calls. Plan a strategy if you have to
leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
 
Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and
options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you
through an Order for Protection or Harassment Restraining Order. You
do not need a lawyer.
 
We Can Reduce Domestic Violence: Domestic violence does exist in the
s/m-leather-fetish community.  We can make it clear that we will
listen to those who have the courage to speak out. Understand that
leaving is difficult. Let the person make his or her own choices. Keep
all information confidential. Encourage survivors to take legal action
and seek support. Help find safe housing and legal advocacy. Hold
batterers accountable and urge them to seek treatment. Deny that drug
or alcohol use can excuse battering. Support changes in that person's
behavior.

Leather groups in our community are crucial to reducing domestic
violence. Invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; print up a
list for members of what resources in your area are s/m-
supportive. Educate your local legal and social service system about
our lifestyle; encourage their appropriate intervention.
 
Safe Link is a clearinghouse for materials and questions about
domestic violence, specifically for persons who are into leather, s/m,
or fetish sexuality. It offers a list of readings and is currently
compiling a roster of supportive speakers, shelters, and therapists,
and information on understanding and using the law. Write to Safe Link
c/o the Domestic Violence Education Project, National Leather
Association, 548 Castro Street #444, San Francisco, CA 94114; or call
the NLA at 415/863-2444.

Posted by ixion@dorsai.dorsai.org, from the program of the Int'l
S/M-Leather-Fetish Celebration; Text provided by Jan Hall.  The
Celebration specifically authorizes and encourages the reproduction
and redistribution of this information.

-----------------


22. Why is SM taboo, and is SM criminal, unnatural, immoral,
    unethical, or unhealthy?

If what I've been saying in this FAQ is accurate, then why haven't
more people heard this?  Why are the prevailing images of SM so
negative?

There is no doubt that they _are_ negative.  Not long ago I was
informed that there are some members of the Winnipeg (Canada) police
department who believe that alt.sex.bondage is "a textbook on how to
torture women for sexual pleasure.  It's obscene."  Said police were
considering how to deal with a.s.b on obscenity grounds.  Last year in
England, a group of gay men who had gathered for an SM play party in
which they were using whips for pleasure were arrested and charged
with battery, EVEN THOUGH they had all agreed to be doing exactly what
they were doing, and WANTED to be doing it.  Consensual SM is illegal
in England.  How can this be?

The crucial distinction here is between consent and non-consent.  The
difference between whipping someone in a scene and assaulting them on
the street is the difference between sex and rape.  If everyone
involved agrees to what is happening, it is not a crime.  If they do
not, then it is.  This distinction is not in principle difficult to
understand, and being involved in SM makes it very clear.  SM
practitioners are _more_ familiar with consent issues than most, and
as such are _less_ likely to commit crimes of the sort that people
confuse with SM.  And NONE of the material in this FAQ advocates ANY
kind of nonconsensual, criminal behavior.

Unfortunately, there are many who would be arbiters of what others may
and may not legally consent to do.  I believe that consenting adults
should be free to do as they wish in the privacy of their homes.
There are many who don't believe this is acceptable.  It serves them
to confuse the issue by claiming "SM people are sadistic rapists" when
in fact we are nothing of the sort.  Criminalizing consensual sexual
activities (sodomy, SM, even prostitution) is an old tradition, but in
my view, an unjustifiable one.

This problem is exacerbated by the body of "scholarly research" on SM
and related practices.  Almost all the books written about SM and
other alternative practices in this century have been written by psy-
chologists and therapists (i.e. people outside the scene), and almost
all have portrayed SM as a dangerous practice, indulged in only by
"unhealthy" individuals.  The reason?  Healthy individuals weren't the
subjects being studied; rather, the subjects were all seeking psycho-
logical treatment from the authors of the books!  The "studies"
completely ignored the many many well-adjusted, happy people who were
also into SM.  It's easy to conclude SM is harmful when your only
experience is with psychologically maladjusted SM people, and when you
aren't interested in presenting a balanced view (as few authors are--
psychologists can be as sexually judgmental as anyone).

More recent events in the psychiatric community have shown a change in
opinion about SM.  The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Psychiatric Conditions is a document produced by the American
Psychiatric Association.  The DSM-III, published in the late '80s,
classified "sexual sadism" and "sexual masochism" as disorders for
which treatment was recommended.  The APA, in the DSM-IV, reclassified
SM as _not_ necessarily a disorder, unless the practice of the SM
produces clinically significant ongoing emotional trauma, or leads to
death, serious injury, or disability.  The DSM-IV is recognition by
the theraputic community that SM can be practiced in a psychologically
healthy way.

As for "natural": people have practiced SM behaviors throughout
history.  Many are the saints who scourged themselves in the name of
the Lord.  Using intense sensation to reach altered states of mind is
a practice as old as humanity itself--and hence can be considered in
no way "unnatural".

Our society (as do most societies) tends to ostracize the different.
If you don't fit the mold, you're weird and dangerous.  People into SM
don't fit the mold.  This is why there is such pressure to remain
anonymous in the scene; people have lost their jobs, partners,
children, and liberty by having their sexual preferences revealed to
their community.  This stems from the same source: lack of
understanding of what we do and why, and lack of respect for what is
different.

Of course, there are plenty of people who just aren't into SM.  (Most
people, in fact.)  There's nothing at all wrong with not being into
SM, or with not wanting to be exposed to people who do various forms
of SM; many people have emotional issues with some kinds of SM
activities and may be repulsed or disturbed by witnessing them.  These
people should clearly avoid SM (and probably should avoid
alt.sex.bondage).  I would hope, however, that even these people would
manage to learn about consensuality as it relates to SM, and learn how
SM, practiced carefully, is not abuse.

Some people feel that any power exchange between people is unhealthy.
The argument is that giving power to someone else is tantamount to
giving away your essential right to self-determination, which must be
considered an unqualified evil.  Moreover, there is no doubt that many
social evils--wars, abusive relationships, et al.--derive from one
group of people seeking power over another; therefore, the argument
proceeds, it is always wrong thusly to seek power.

In reality, there are many situations in life in which someone chooses
to give some of their power over to another, because they trust that
other to use that power wisely.  Examples include entering the Army
(which regulates your life for the duration of your service); getting
married (which is often a commitment to abandon some of your personal
autonomy); taking a job (which restricts your choices of how to spend
your time); and, of course, entering a BDSM scene (during which your
top has authority over what goes on).  All these power exchanges are
mutually agreed upon, and are mutually beneficial; when they stop
being beneficial, the exchange itself should stop.

People whose moral codes state that all power exchange--consensual or
otherwise--is wrong should clearly not be involved in BDSM.  Certainly
such people have a consistent ethical system that defines BDSM as
immoral.  Short of such an ethical system, however, it is hard to see
how a BDSM relationship is any more intrinsically immoral than a stint
in the Army, or a traditional 'death-do-you-part' marriage.  As for
me, I believe that in a free society, morality requires permitting
each citizen to make his or her own choices of how to live, and how to
express themselves, including sexually.  Sexual rights are human
rights. If we lose our freedom to love as we choose, we lose a vital
part of what it is to be human.

These issues are very controversial, even now.  In the 1992 Oregon
state ballot, voters narrowly overturned a measure named OR 9, which
contained the following paragraph:

"State, regional, and local government and their departments,
agencies, and other entities, including specifically the State
Department of Higher Education and the public schools, shall assist in
setting a standard for Oregon's youth that recognizes homosexuality,
pedophilia, sadism, and masochism as abnormal, wrong, unnatural, and
perverse and that these behaviors are to be discouraged and avoided."

Homosexuality, sadism, and masochism are neither wrong nor unnatural.
All three are consensual ways of living and loving that many people
enjoy.  They are not for everyone, but nor should everyone be told
that they are for no one.  Note also how this measure seeks to confuse
the issue by grouping homosexuality, sadism, and masochism together
with pedophilia, a practice which is in most places legally
nonconsensual.  (It is not my intent to enter here into the debate
over whether children are ever capable of fully consenting to sexual
acts.  Suffice it to say that whether they can or not has no bearing
on the fact that adults _can_ consent to SM play.)  Legislating what
consenting adults may and many not do in private is neither healthy
nor democratic.

(In recent years there has been a spate of articles about how SM is
entering the mainstream.  Madonna's book _Sex_, her movie _Body of
Evidence_, and the movie _Exit to Eden_ are examples of this trend.
Hopefully this will lead to more people feeling free to express their
love as _they_ choose--so long as it's consensual!)

The most extreme forms of SM come closest to the line between consent
and non-consent.  Most SM people have established safewords which they
will use if need be, though if they've known their partners for long,
that's rather seldom.  Some people, though, do play without
safewords--whether because they know their partners well enough to
stay within their partners' limits and read their partners' responses,
or because they enjoy the rush of playing without an escape clause.
This latter sort of play is sometimes known as "consensual
non-consensuality," and involves scenes in which the bottom literally
cannot escape from whatever the top wishes to do.  This is very
advanced SM; it requires exponentially more negotiation and
introspection, and even then is hazardous.  Not many people do this,
or want to, but some people do, and find it exhilarating and
uplifting.  More info is available on a.s.b or in some of the
references... or on a.s.b itself, which is one of the best places in
the world to hear a myriad of voices speak out about their individual
ways of doing and living SM.


23. Isn't the bottom always in control?

One of the paradoxes of SM revolves around consensuality.  Everything
in SM is consensual; although the top is in control, it was the
bottom's choice to allow the top to _be_ in control.  And since most
of the time the top is trying to keep the bottom happy, and since the
bottom knows that, isn't the bottom really in control?

Yes, if your definition of "in control" is "can stop the scene".  The
bottom can always opt out, if it's consensual SM.  But the top can go
a long way towards putting the bottom under the top's spell, making
the bottom submit to really strenuous bondages or beatings, using the
bottom as the top pleases.  One friend of mine, for instance, takes
great pleasure out of hog-tying his girlfriend with her breasts bound
and her hands behind her back and her ankles tied to her ponytail,
then putting her on the edge of the bed and sticking his cock in her
mouth.  She has no choice but to suck it until he comes.  Which of
them is "in control"?  Both of them would say that he is, and both of
them are getting off on that fact, so the paradox in practice doesn't
matter too much.

Furthermore, negotiation can involve give-and-take; the bottom can
agree to endure some pain to please the top, and the top can then
(say) tie the bottom tightly and tease to the point of orgasm.  A
particular activity in SM can be enjoyable for its own sake, or
because it's a favorite sensation of yours, or because it turns your
partner on so much to do it to you or with you, or because you want to
endure it out of pure stubborn pride.  The paradox of control can take
many forms.

(As mentioned previously, some especially intense players may
negotiate scenes during which the bottom _cannot_ opt out.  This sort
of play is definitely in the minority, but it is nonetheless possible
to consent to giving up your ability to withdraw consent.  These
scenes are sharply bounded by mutual agreement between both partners,
and must be accompanied by much discussion, before and after the
scene.  And if the bottom later feels like the scene went bad, the
negotiation should be redoubled before the next scene, if any.)


24. Can someone "really" be someone else's slave?

This is the last question in another guise.  Is it possible for there
to be consensual non-consensuality?  That is, can someone agree to be
in a situation from which they cannot escape, and to live that way?

This topic can inspire flame wars, as follows: historical slavery was
totally non-consensual and enforced by the state; at the worst of
times, the life of a slave was in the master's hands.  Our society
today does not recognize such an arrangement.  Does this mean that
someone cannot truly become someone else's slave, as society would
always permit the slave to back out?  Or is true slavery possible as a
bond between one person and another, regardless of society?  You
expect an answer in a FAQ?  Sorry, here there are only more questions.
(Though see question 17 for more on the hazards of that pesky word
"real".)


25. What are the "codes"?

Often the "hanky code" is mentioned on a.s.b.  What is it?  It's a
tradition in the scene that if you're into certain types of activities
you can indicate them by wearing a handkerchief in either your left or
right back pockets.  The color indicates the activity; the side, the
preferred position (left is top, right is bottom).  Some of the colors
are gray for bondage (left is you like to tie, right is you like to be
tied up), red for anal fisting (left fister, right fistee), and black
for heavy SM (piercing, serious whipping, etc.); there are many many
many more.  I don't have a list handy.

Sometimes the same thing is done with keys or handcuffs--keys on the
left means you're a top, on the right means you're a bottom.  It's all
just a way to signal your preferences in a public place.

Despite persistent rumors, there seems to be no "earring code"
involving earrings on the left/right/both/whatever.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Hope you learned something!  Remember, your sexuality is wonderful;
treasure it and nourish it!  (And see parts 1 and 3 if you haven't
already!)

Contents copyright (c) 1994 by Rob Jellinghaus.  Redistribution of
this FAQ from alt.sex.bondage to any BBS or other electronic forum, or
to the newsletter or membership of any BDSM organization, requires
permission of the author (robj@unreal.com).  Copies for individual use
are OK.  (This clause is mainly so I can keep some track of where my
words are going, rather than because I like to litigate.  Thanks for
spreading the knowledge.)
-- 
Rob Jellinghaus..robj@best.com
