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Subject: alt.fan.the-bob FAQ v1.0b
Date: 8 Apr 1996 13:04:25 GMT
X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]

Posting-Frequency: weekly
Version: 1.0b


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                        FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS 
 
                                  v1.0b



"Who wrote this FAQ?"

AFTB did.  We all did.  You may have already won $10,000,000.



"Is AFTB about The BOB(c)?"

Ostensibly, yes.  In reality, no.  It's more of a massive experiment in
meme propagation (concept dibs Beverley R. White), a place where humor,
wit, and wisdom meet to throw cupcakes at one another, and people
occasionally get nasty cuts and scrapes from those particularly hard
scones that Belt the Bunny seems to pack in some pocket of his trenchcoat. 



"Is this newsgroup about J.R. 'Bob' Dobbs?"

No.  You're looking for alt.slack.

Either be enlightened and read the rest of this FAQ or offend us no longer
and get out.  It's not that we don't like you.  We've just heard this one
too many times. 



"Well, does anyone actually worship The BOB(c)?"

If they do, they had better STOP.



"What about fans?  The group is called 'alt.FAN.the-bob' after all.  
Does The BOB(c) have fans?"

We use central air conditioning, and have advanced beyond the need for
such primitive devices.  Go back to where you came from, you vulgar
barbarian. 



"Is it OK to lurk on AFTB?"

No, it's not.  Plain.  Simple.  In order to not violate the laws of the
newsgroup, you must post at least once a week, unless you are barred from
doing so by serious illness, such as the Motaba virus, which isn't real,
and is only carried by a small monkey who looks like Dustin Hoffman. 



"How do I get on the List?"

Post.  You may want to say something witty or profound the first time you
post, since that will, in all likelihood, be used as fodder for your entry
on the List, which is maintained at the AFTB WWW site: 

http://www4.ncsu.edu/~asdamick/aftb/



"If I get on the List, what will happen to me?"

Nothing.  Go eat your soup before it clots.



"Is crossposting OK in AFTB?"

Well, generally, no.  This is essential to keeping the Community Spirit
alive.  I'm sure you understand, and, if you violate this basic tenet of
courtesy by crossposting massively in AFTB, you will be placed in the next
edition of the Global Killfile, and no one will read your USENET posts
ever again. 



"Who is Belt the Bunny?"

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!  EAT RABBIT!



"No, really.  Who -is- he?"

In the words of Steve Martin:

------
From: martin@rote.ahola.net (Steven Martin)
Subject: Re: Cabal is trying to control us all!
Date: Sun, 05 Nov 1995 03:58:49 GMT
Message-ID: <47hcov$h8l@news.mainelink.net>

I knew AOL had something to do with the Cabal but could never prove
it.  But you forgot the final step.  If you do word association with
America on Line you get the true leader of Cabal.

America = Belt

On = the

Line = Bunny

Belt the Bunny is the true leader.  He uses this other guy as the
frontman....along with BOB(c).
------

It would also be fruitful at this point to mention that, when dealing 
with Belt, it is necessary to avoid the *SCHLOMP*, and that "IF YOU'RE 
NOT YELLING, YOU'RE NOT COMMUNICATING."



"Is Amber actually 'cute'?"

We may never really know.  It has no genuine bearing to the sexual health
of the newsgroup whether Amber is actually cute or even if she could be
considered attractive to even two or three of the male members of AFTB. 

In fact, most of us don't genuinely care if she's cute, but for one or two
plain exceptions.  The fact that you ask at all shows you to be the most
shallow person I've met on USENET. 



"Does Bev actually crosspost to AFTB?"

Yes, she does, although we keep telling her to stop.  It seems to be this
bad habit she picked up from The BOB(c).  Our main problem with this
practice is that she crossposts into that icky alt.fan.wednesday group,
and we all know that all the people there are MEEN. 

Interestingly enough, some of the most frequent posters to AFTB violate
the crossposting taboo fairly often.  This is not a paradox, however, as
they are skilled in directing USENET traffic (they are all issued white
gloves and night sticks) and know how to keep massive crossposts from
finding their way in and/or continuing. 



"Is Beckett dead?"

We're not sure.  Amber claims to have spoken with him, but we as yet have
no genuine reason to believe that he still exists in this material plane,
especially after carefully considering the fact that he doesn't post on
USENET as an egomaniac of his caliber really ought to do. 



"Is The BOB(c) always right?"

Well, of course not.  He acts rather like he is, at times, but he knows
that somewhere deep down, WAY DEEP DOWN, he's Just Some Guy and quite
likely to make mistakes. 



"What is a MEEN COLLEJE STUDENT?"

Well, Amber is one, of course.  By extension, though, an MCS is one who
attempts to corrupt the mind of The BOB(c) himself, and, by further
extension, the minds of AFTB.  Thus, those who attempt to subvert us with
their vile ways are MEEN COLLEJE STUDENTs. 

Usual MEEN methods include:

    Toothpicks hanging from mouths
    Decaffeinated coffee
    Trenchcoats which do not reach past the knees
    Making up stories about longtime friends going on rock-climbing
       excursions or being in Europe when the friend is, in fact, being 
       held in a small air-tight room with only a little light and an
       occasional story being read to him
    Attempting to convince us of the validity of the Glass Bead Game
    Theatre without actors  (HEY!  I saw you!)
    WWW pages with tropical plants in gaudy colors
    Two words:  Herman Hesse



"Why is Beverley White eating YOGURT?"

You want another newsgroup.  This is getting extreme.



"Please list several examples of foods that Bev now likes thanks to
horrific and intensive reprogramming, mostly at the urging of The BOB(c)."

Look, I just informed you that these detailed questions about Bev are far 
better answered by the lot on alt.fan.wednesday, but, since you seem so 
bloody interested:

Yogurt (which she already liked, but not very much; strawberry-kiwi and
banana yogurts are her current favourites)
Certain forms of mild cheese (e.g. mozzarella, Swiss, white cheddar)
Bananas
Butter (are you happy, Andy? BUTTER!)
That funky fatal dippy stuff on the french fries that wasn't ketchup
Onion rings
Onion rings
Onion rings
Did I mention Onion Rings?
The occasional daub of barbecue sauce on ribs
Buffalo wings
Veggie-ish crackers



"How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?"

We're not sure, but it is most certainly not 42.  Of this, we are
completely and irrevocably sure. 



"What is the official breakfast cereal of AFTB?"

Horkin' Fiber Chunks



"What is the quickest way to get into The BOB(c)'s killfile and urge him 
to ignore me completely and entirely?"

Post about the Church of the SubGenius or J.R. "Bob" Dobbs.  He's begun
investigating the upcoming releases of SLRN solely for its capability to
killfile certain terms in the body of the article.

It's been done, pal, and we're bloody sick of seeing it. 



"How do I get The BOB(c) to stop bothering me and treat me like a K3WL 
member of AFTB, instead of some idiot who just tromped into his newsgroup?"

You may send all donations to:

Andrew S. Damick
102 Artesian Dr.
Garner, NC  27529-4655
USA



"Speaking of money, how do I join the Church of the Cactus?"

Send yourself one dollar ($1).  You will then receive your Sainthood. 

Finger bob@deviant.clubbob.org for a FREE Church of the Cactus OnLine 
Pamphlet, or point your WWW browser to the following URL:
http://www4.ncsu.edu/~asdamick/cactus/pamphlet.txt



"Um, ok.  Now, how do I become a member of the clergy?"

You can petition the clergy in AFTB to make you a member, but your best
bet is to just declare yourself something appropriate, and note that all
attempts to become our pope will be met with resistance. 



"The Church of the Cactus seems weird.  Are you a REAL religion, or just 
a parody of several other religions combined?"

Infidel!  You will be punished for your blasphemy!



"Is it true that groundhogs live in AFTB?"

Whatever are you talking about?  There IS NO CONSPIRACY.



"But you seem to look rather like a--"

Be quiet.



"But--"

*BLAM!!!*
