Subject: Welcome to alt.tasteless! (Monthly Posting)
Date: 12 Mar 1996 22:30:54 GMT
Summary: The alt.tasteless FAQ
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #13

Last-Modified: 1996/3/09
Time-estimate: The intro takes two minutes to read and is worthwhile. Impatient
WWW-types can http://www.achilles.net/~jhn/alt.tasteless.html

                     WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS
                   
1. What is alt.tasteless?

   A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.  A place
for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.  In alt.tasteless we
like  to  get  into  the  details.  Short  jokes  have  their  forum  in
alt.tasteless.jokes. We want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench
of it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then  of  course,
some  rough  GIFs  of  it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless. You should
never post GIFs to alt.tasteless, as it might cause some news admins  to
kill the group at their site.

Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:

The joys of raping; epileptics / the dead / pregnants / minors  /  small
furry animals with big wet eyes.

"The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had."

The joys of; vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose
/ masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobber-
ing.

Tasteless sex acts.

   But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a sto-
ry  of  a little boy sitting on the throne shouting "Me go plop-plop! Me
go plop-plop!" Whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the  toilet,
desperately struggling not to miss the bowl screaming, "Me go plop-plop!
Me go plop-plop!" The first is a simple example of pleasure in taking  a
dump  (which  is per definition tasteless - not to say forbidden: things
you shouldn't talk about coming out a hole you shouldn't talk about mak-
ing  a  sound  you should discuss in every detail... err, sorry making a
sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example brings more  sophis-
tication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus labeled as be-
ing more 'mature,' the name of the label apparently chosen because inno-
cent  children  (or  innocent  adults, for that matter) will not find it
funny, except perhaps the "plop-plop!" bit. This difference in taste was
debated a while ago and ended thus:

> I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
> mature tastelessness.

   Original, non-monotonous material, either based on  fact  or  vividly
graphic  or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to
the level of comprehensible.

   Examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled  fraternity
jokes, excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground
'eww gross' urban legends, license plates, funny names, 90% of all flam-
ing, "Because his dick tastes of blood," "Hearing the pelvic bone snap,"
"Oops, I farted," all the other short jokes, _Exploding Whale_, _Scrotum
self-repair_  and  _flaming  gerbil up the ass_, as well as some others.
Post your own creations. Get the old stuff at our ftp site, and tire  of
it in the comfort of your own living room.

   Additionally,  please  note   that   this   is   not   alt.tacky   or
alt.bad.taste. This means that merely saying "Bee Gees, ha ha ha" is not
enough, you will generally have  to  couple  it  with  something  really
tasteless  to  make  other people laugh.  Yes, we have heard zillions of
puke and huge bowel movement stories. But don't let that keep  you  from
posting one, much rather should raise your much rather this should raise
your ambitions and thus the quality of your story.

   Then having sussed out that your post is  too  interesting,  intelli-
gent,  sick,  twisted  and  funny  to  be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes,
rec.humor,   alt.evil,   sci.med,   alt.stupidity,   alt.sex.bestiality,
alt.urban.legend,  soc.college  and  so on, you choose alt.tasteless and
post. The group is unmoderated and the subject line of your article will
be  seen by hundreds of thousands of people worldwide.  WOW!  What  will
happen next?

          1. Some will ignore it.
          2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
          3. Some will read the whole thing.
          4. Maybe one, or more people will reply to you telling you what
             they thought of the article. They might even follow it up if
             they have something to add.

   This is sadly the ideal picture. People will  follow-up  even  though
they have nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case
of tasteless talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some  very  good
tasteless posts have generated absolutely no response, or in other words
the same response as you'd get if you wrote it on a piece of paper  only
to flush it out the toilet. Then why post?

   Because you fucking feel like it!

   Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own  religion
or  set  of  values  will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his
standard "This is not funny" drivel. Best thing is to ignore  him,  next
to  mailing  him  with the likewise standard reply "Then why do you read
it?" A follow-up is not a good solution here, unless you choose to flame
him  to  ashes in such an inspired way that the readers of alt.tasteless
also benefits (and this is very very hard).  YOU ARE THEN  STRONGLY  EN-
COURAGED  TO  SET  THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO: 'Followup-To: alt.flame.' After
all, we have important work to do here. This formal information may make
alt.tasteless  seem like a terribly boring place, but all the stuff that
has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been  recommended  in
order  to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic, and not a
boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.

    It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!

    Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap.

   That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum  and
community.   We'd  rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard
than 12 crap ones a week. You'll even get more respect that  way.  Also,
thank people for amusing you. That's the only payment they get. Don't be
afraid to tell badly educated idiots to shape up.  That's  probably  the
only  education they'll get, and if they can't take the heat, they don't
belong.

   The rest of this document is dedicated to your education  and  amuse-
ment,  but  if  you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your
editor to search for the character "|", and it'll take you to  the  next
chapter.  In the nn newsreader this can be done by pressing "/", "|" and
"[ENTER]".

   The items on the menu are:

          o  A boring dictionary,
          o  An informative encyclopedia,
          o  An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part,
          o  Some not all that amusing, but still worthwhile information.

| THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY

   This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new
the net.

:-)
  Tilt your head to the right.  Yep,  it's a cock  about  to  penetrate.
  Figures  like  this  one are used when people have just said something
  naughty, sort of a  "Know what I mean know what I  mean  nudge   nudge
  wink wink say no more say no more."
*[word]*:
  Asterisks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that  it's  a
  sound... like, *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
  a spastic").
AKA: Also Known As.
AMPALLANG:
  Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally above
  the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA:
  Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft of
  the  penis, just behind the glans.  Mentioned in the original Kama Su-
  tra.
ASAP: As Soon As Possible.
BEARS:
  Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend  toward  the
  husky and hirsute.
BTW: By The Way.
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
CHOAD: See somewhere below.
CHURD: A fecal dildo.
DURIAN:
  Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a  prickly  rind.  Comes
  from an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
DYDOE:
  Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the  side  of
  the head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jew-
  ish men who wished  to  enhance  their  sexual  pleasure  (which  they
  thought had been diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE:
  Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting in  the
  bowl of clogged toilets.
FELCHING:
  Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole  belongs
  to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
  reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
FRENUM:
  Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside  just  behind
  the  glans.  Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge
  of the glans is worn through this piercing. This provides  stimulation
  to both partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
FTP:
  File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you  to
  get  stuff  stored  at  other  sites,  be  it  GIF-viewers or demented
  stories.  News.answers has a monthly posting about  FTP'ing.  You  can
  also  send mail to mail-server@rtfm.mit.with with the body of the mes-
  sage reading "help" or, "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources"
GIF:
  Graphic Interchange Format.  A  picture  format  common  on  the  net.
  news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
  groups where all is explained.
GOPHER:
  A client that makes you browse the net  with  ease.  Comp.infosystems.
  gopher  will  help  you.  Or just type 'gopher' at your prompt and see
  what happens.
GUICHE:
  Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the  scro-
  tum.  A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
GROGAN: A piece of shit.
HAFADA:
  Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to  Arab  boys
  as a rite of passage.
HAGGIS:
  Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with  ground  intes-
  tines, barley and a shot of scotch.
IMHO: In My Hog-fucking Opinion.
IRC:
  Inter Relay Conference/Chat, a program that lets you 'talk'  to  other
  users.   Your site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You
  will  might  stumble  into  tasteless  discussions.  The  1st   global
  alt.tasteless  IRC  party lasted for around 6 hours with a total of 67
  participants.
JIC: Just In Case.
JPEG or JPG:
  Another digital picture format. Like GIF. News.answers and the  groups
  in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings on the sub-
  ject.
KAKA SUTRA:
  Affectionate name for _The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts_.
KILLFILE:
  A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill  file,
  your  newsreader  will  ignore  articles  by that person. Read the man
  pages of your newsreader to find out how it  works,  or  ask  locally.
  After  the  introduction of killfiles there's absolutely no excuse for
  wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
LJBF:
  "Let's Just Be Friends." Sentence usually uttered by girl when offered
  a good squicking.
MOTSS: Member of The Same Sex.
OB:
  Usually a prefix to ObTasteless. Ob means 'obligatory,' and you usual-
  ly  append  an  ObTasteless  at the end of your post if it hasn't been
  sufficiently tasteless. Later in this article you can see how  the  Ob
  is used.
OOBE:
  Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during  a  very  good
  shit.
PRINCE AlBERT:
  Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through  the  urethra  and
  out behind the glans.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphincter licking.
RTFM:
  Read The Fucking Manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost  always  be
  the alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote.'
SO: Significant Other, will generally mean your loved one.
SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
TWINK(IE):
  Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as  "golden,  cream-
  filled,  and ready to be eaten."  (Etymology:  In the US, Twinkies(tm)
  are snack cakes with these same properties.)
VOMIT-STALACTITE:
  AKA Stalactovomite: the result of puking on the ceiling.
WRT: With Reference/Respect To.
WAIS: Wide Area Information Server. Learn in comp.infosystems.wais
WWW:
  World Wide Web. Net.wide global hypertext. Read comp.infosystems.www.

| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS

ASSWIPING
  Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their  right  hand,
  usually sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper
  after the wipe, and some taste and kiss it.

BUMPER-STICKER
  If you or your friends or your family (or the family next door)  would
  like  your very own official "Save the CHOAD!" bumper sticker for only
  $2 each (very cheap), e-mail doc@mcs.com to get more details.  In  the
  words  of  The  Maker: "Tasteless denizens everywhere can now identify
  themselves to other tasteless bastards!"

CHOAD
  A long-neglected and abused synonym  for  "penis,"  the  word  "choad"
  dates  back a good long time.  We think maybe it's from Middle English
  but we're all too damned lazy to check the OED.   Anyway,  while  kept
  barely   alive   during   the   resurrection   and  a  re-erection  on
  alt.tasteless.  The tireless literary antics of David Garrett and Adam
  Thornton  (garrett@math.rice.edu and adam@owlnet.rice.edu) have nearly
  succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid glory.
  It  has  been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use
  the word "choad" and the more common compound  noun  "choadsmoker"  to
  mean,  roughly,  "a  gobbler  of  nobs." The next time you're about to
  casually toss off a reference to a "willy," a "wankie,"  a  "dick,"  a
  "Throbbing  PleasureProng (TM)," a "Purple-Headed SnotNazi (TM)," or a
  "schlong," think again, and substitute the word "choad" instead.   Be-
  come  a  Friend  of the Choad:  make it possible for the choad to once
  again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect.
  A  choadstool  is  then  what  we  call  the fungal growth found on an
  unwashed scrotum.

CUNT
  A cunt by any other name, its smell as rank. Cunt is  "Vittu"  [v!too]
  in  Finnish,  and  "Pusquish"  [pus  squish] in Cree. The Germans yell
  "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under normal circumstances, and  "MOse"  when  they
  want to indicate that the cunt in question is slightly smaller, a lit-
  tle pinkier and more wet than the usual slobbering crotch wound.

DOGS
  Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of
  almost any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms
  and socks.  It might be a profound wish for another  tail  that  makes
  the dogs eat these objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their
  puss-oozing and mite-ridden asses. They're also familiar with shitting
  and vomiting in the living room. The life of a canine is one long par-
  ty.

DRUGS
  A recommendation: Take all, and in as large  quantities  as  possible.
  We  especially  recommend  Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly
  unwind and reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known  to  cause
  spontaneous  cancerous  lesions in rats." The official warning contin-
  ues: "Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, ir-
  ritation).   Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed expo-
  sure to lethal quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis
  of  the skin...  Vapours, after relatively asymptomatic latent period,
  cause severe inflammation and necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory
  tract.  Severe  and  fatal pulmonary damage may result. Systematically
  causes prostration, convulsions, delerium,  paralysis,  coma,  delayed
  damage  to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in severe cases" -
  "Have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket."

EXPLOSIVES
  We will of course help you getting disfigured  enough  for  us  to  be
  amused,  so  here's  what  you  do  if  you're  too  afraid to ask the
  alt.pyrotechnics experts how to make acetone peroxide  or  some  other
  funny stuff.

  Get the US Army Technical Manual 31-210  1969,  _Improvised  Munitions
  Handbook_.   The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay re-
  views; it contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc.
  out  of  handy  chemicals.  You  can  get it from several sources, gun
  shows, or for $5 from Sierra  Supply.   Sierra  Supply,  PO  Box  1390
  Durango,  CO,  81302  (303)-259-1822.   Sierra  sells  a bunch of army
  surplus stuff, including technical manuals such as the Improvised Mun-
  itions  Handbook.  Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage.  Cata-
  log $1.

  I believe Paladin Press also distributes this  series  and  they  will
  mail overseas.  Other good sources are _The Poor Mans James Bond_, and
  _The Anarchists Cookbook_.  They can be found in most large bookshops.
  Or ftp to ftp.spies.com /Library/Untech and get what they have.

JOKES
  Alt.tasteless.jokes is  now  taking  care  of  all  the  short  jokes.
  Rec.humor  has  the  _Canonical  List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby
  etc. etc.]_ jokes.  Ask them. Or get them from our ftp  site  (details
  somewhere below).

NAMBLA
  The   North   American   Man/Boy   Love   Association   is   a   civil
  rights/political  organization.   They support CONSENSUAL intergenera-
  tional relationships and help educate society about the true nature of
  such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a Bulletin ten times a year which
  is sent by first class  mail  to  its  members.   (It  includes  news,
  feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)

  They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers
  take  note,  this might be your way to fame), books and other material
  (all of which are strictly legal).

  For further discussions contact Roy Radow (radow@netcom.com).   He  is
  their  spokesperson  on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bul-
  letin, publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage
  to: NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.

SHIT
  The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin,  which
  are  derivatives  of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile,
  is derived from breakdown products of dead red blood  cells,  specifi-
  cally  the  toxic  parts  of  the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules.
  That's why athletes on steroids have white shit: the steroids fuck  up
  the  liver  so  it can't throw the toxic stuff into the feces where it
  belongs.

  The odor is caused principally by the products  of  bacterial  action;
  these  vary  from  one  person  to another, depending on each person's
  colonic bacterial flora and on the type  of  food  eaten.  The  actual
  odoriferous products include indole, skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen
  sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you the nastiest smelling  shits
  if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for too long. A pound of
  pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is  a  sure  winner
  among scatological connaisseurs.

SMEGMA
  A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and  the
  glans of the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve
  to coat their tongue with it or swallow it. A  shame  really  as  this
  homegrown  product  easily outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses
  made from milk (except the cheese made from dingo's milk).

SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN
  A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually  of
  poorer  women  who  did  not  wear  undergarments  -  common until the
  nineteenth century.  A sootikin built  up  over  several  weeks,  even
  months,  of  not washing.  It was composed of particles of soot, dirt,
  sweat, smegma (qv) and  vaginal  and  menstrual  discharge.   When  it
  reached  a  certain  size and weight, it tended to work loose and drop
  from under the woman's skirt.  Contemporary writings, including  those
  of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to sweep
  up sootikins after services.  There even  exists  one  scurrilous  ac-
  count,  from  an  anonymous  source, of a tell-tale sootikin being al-
  legedly found under or suspiciously close to - Queen Anne's  chair  in
  St Paul's Cathedral during the Thanksgiving Service for the end of the
  War of the Spanish Succession.

SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
  The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes  tedious.   Skull
  fucking  is  the  easiest  of the two acts, as you only have to remove
  your partners eye to get somewhere to stick  your  thingie.  A  proper
  squicking  requires  you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your
  partners skull) and pork its  brain  this  way.  Aiming  for  the  gap
  between  the  two hemispheres is said to provide you with firestorming
  orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: "I posted that a year ago, and I *made
  it  up!*  I  just figured that was the only activity that would make a
  'squicking' noise, with the possible exception of slipping the  salami
  to  a  sucking  chest  wound."  Mr.  Miller  himself prefers the basic
  squicking where the hole is located at the top of the  head.  Caza  (a
  French  comic  artist)  has this description accompaining a picture of
  prime squicking: "The wound that never heals, the scar after the  sac-
  rificial  act  gaped  rosy red and soft, shining and new... infinitely
  virginal... Having bathed a whole world in blood, commander Aries  de-
  filed  Lailahs brow with his spunk." The name of the comic is 'Lailah'
  and it also  has  a  good  story  about  a  man  getting  raped  by  a
  frog/woman.   If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott
  M Hampton has also mentioned _Woulffes Guide To  Practical  Squicking_
  as a fine introduction to squicking. It goes like this:

  Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp,  a  hand  drill
  with  at  least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it),
  and a ink pen.

  Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.

  Preparation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a  subtle
  thing  best  left  to  linguists with free time. There's fun to be had
  now.) securely.  Make certain the forehead  is  available  and  clean.
  Make a horizontal line about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of
  the line between your partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill
  bit  securely  in  chuck.  Plug drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself
  mentally. This is going to be great!

  Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on  forehead.  Using  chisel
  and  hammer,  open  the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool
  (TM Geoff).  Then, use the rasp to knock off the  rough  spots  --  no
  sense  getting  any  scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At
  this point you can pause and remove the  restraints  on  your  partner
  'cause they aren't moving much by now.  Position your partner for max-
  imum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot -- YOUR pleasure. Harumph.

  Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly  between  your  partners
  frontal hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of
  the most pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is.  If  you
  were  a  neatness  weenie  and wiped up all the external blood, it may
  take a while for the internal bleeding to make the  ride  smooth,  but
  otherwise  there  is  plenty  of  lube for the job right at hand. Pump
  hearty, you are in for the orgasm of a lifetime!

  Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such  as
  roast and stew meat. Happy eating!

  The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is  Geoff
  Miller  (geoffm@netcom.com).  But please do only contact him in expert
  matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies
  vanilla squicking.

  Squick is also used as a synonym for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
  in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using
  the word (i.e.: "That article really squicked me" or, "He squicked  my
  arsehole.")

THE STOOL GAME
  (From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
  case@diku.dk:
                          THE STOOL GAME
                          official rules

  Two men sit in front of each other in  a  bathtub  wanking.  When  the
  spunk/water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on
  the sides of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as  far  out  as
  they  can, without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out,
  then pulling it in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm  dur-
  ing this play.  The winner is the man that can push the stool the most
  far out, and then still be able to retract it.

  One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the  loser
  being  the one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost
  similar Wicca ritual.

THE ALT.TASTELESS T-SHIRT
  The  T-Shirts  are  Hanes  Beefy,  printed  on  both  sides  (a  small
  alt.tasteless  bit  on  the  front, the Fuck the Skull of Jesus on the
  back).

  The cost is US$ 16 each. This includes Richard B. Ling's  prize  money
  (for  having  designed this incredible shirt), A t-shirt for Stinkfoot
  (for amost having won the contest), taxes, and postage within the USA.
  3  or  more  shirts cost $15 each.  When ordering at caz@hopf.dnai.com
  (Glenn A. Cazenave), please specify the following:

  Size: Small through XXL is available. XXL is $2 extra.

  Colour: Black, white, grey, yellow, pink, light blue.

  We will need Postal Money Orders (only) as payment $16.00 (1-3) $15.00
  (3+) that should include postage and 7.5% Ca.tax for orders within the
  US.  Int'l Surface Mail is $1 extra. All orders prepaid. Postal  Money
  Order only.

  sincerely,

  2 on 1 Systems
  301 Santa Fe Ave
  Point Richmond, CA 94801

  But do check with caz@hopf.dnai.com if there are any more left, before
  sending off money.

URINE
  Can just as shit be perceived by all 5 senses and the special 6th  bo-
  dily  fluid  sense  that  the  old  time  alt.tastelesser  unavoidably
  develops, so I will not go into detail with the  rancid  bladdersplash
  itself.  Rather  the  info  will  concern its sterility; can we safely
  drink it? Yes, we can.

  How ones body responds to this refreshment  depends  on  a  number  of
  things,  the  most important being the concentration of waste products
  in this wine for gods. If you drink someone's urine after they've  had
  a  sixpack,  your  kidneys will not be overworked with the extra waste
  products,    but    it    may    not    then    have    the    desired
  taste/smell/consistency.  To help your kidneys you should always drink
  a lot of water after your pee-games. You could for example follow  the
  piss-quaffing  up  with  the drowning games (I for one, always tend to
  drink a lot of water during these).

  The Berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy  tribe
  of  Vikings  in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going ber-
  serk. My history book informs me that they used the alkaloid  amanitin
  found in the mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let
  the strongest warrior drink the stuff, and have the  other  drink  his
  piss,  a  trick also known among Siberian, Lappish and Finnish tribes.
  The participants got moderately  stoned  and  generally  managed  some
  transcendental  experience.  This practice is described as limited ex-
  clusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly  Agaric/Fluesvamp
  produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another humans body.
  Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce ber-
  serker  rage,  as  the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of
  killing, raping and mutilating other human  beings  should  be  suffi-
  cient. If you're going to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the
  mushrooms with psilocybes in them. They are much more effective.

  The most famous pee-drinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His  mornings
  would  start with him emptying his potty in a good swig, allegedly for
  'The health of the spirit.' Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime
  Minister  Morarji  Desai  followed  in the piss trickle and drank piss
  each morning when he reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders
  that  had  conversations  with  him on mornings where he had forgot to
  brush his teeth. No information as to the pee-drinking habits  of  the
  current Indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?

  The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in partic-
  ular, contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced
  by the epiphyse during the night. Apart from  having  a  soothing  and
  pain-killing  effect  melatonine  also  cheats the body into believing
  that it has slept more than it actually has. This manifests itself  as
  a  feeling  of well-being and refreshment.  The piss of sexually imma-
  ture children contains more melatonine than adult piss, which explains
  the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have for one
  always been sure that the  happiness  wasn't  just  psychological.  So
  Maybe  you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the
  playground forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll  feel
  much better and much more equanimous. Cheers.

  Oh, and while we're at it, don't eat asparagus  before  drinking  your
  pee.   Asparagus  has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops
  smell horribly, as well as changing the taste. And  don't  drink  piss
  from  a  person  with  a contagious disease unless you really want it.
  Speaking of that, John Hollister  (bb05246@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu)
  is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask him anything wee wee
  related you like, he'll be happy to help you.

VEGEMITE
  Can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned  stool
  sample  that  rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences
  with the edible caca:  ``I too have had Vegemite. I found a stock in a
  'health  food'  store.  US$  2.69  for  a  4  ounce (113 gram) jar. "5
  calories per serving." It  has  an  odd,  purply-brown  color,  and  a
  smooth,  thick, sticky texture. The 'axle-grease' association is accu-
  rate. It does indeed have quite a strong salty, yeasty flavor, and you
  had  better  spread  it on _very_ thinly. I think it looks like a sub-
  stance from my native land called 'catfish dough bait,' only said bait
  is  a  bit  grainier,  not  as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
  liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be  a  compound  of  mud,
  blood  and  pureed  liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait
  and inhaling deeply could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find
  it  hard  to  believe  that Marmite has a stronger, more vicious taste
  than Vegemite.''

  "Vegemite" has a pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of  the  yeast
  extract, it tends to come back to you later, in belches. It's also one
  of those foods with such a peculiar taste that no matter what you  eat
  after- wards, Vegemite is the taste that sticks with you."

  "It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with  what
  looks like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."

  "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that  Marmite  is  the
  only  real  yeast  extract  worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
  Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more  vicious  after-
  taste than Vegemite."

  "It was the grossest thing I ever  tasted.  It's  about  as  thick  as
  peanut  butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understate-
  ment."

  Ingredients: Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that  is  left  over
  after  the  beer  brewing process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt
  extract,  caramel  color,  natural  flavor,  niacin,  thiamine  hydor-
  chloride, riboflavin.

  Serving size: 3.25 gram

  Servings per container: 35  (big lie: I ate about a third of the  con-
  tainer, and it was well over 100 servings)

  Cheese and Vegemite sandwiches are so common  in  Australia  that  the
  manufacturer (Kraft) now sells premixed cheese & Vegemite slices (they
  are a greyish colour, and very nice between buttered white bread, pos-
  sibly with some lettuce)

  ObTrivia:  Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a  short  time
  was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).  "Vegem-
  ite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).  Let it  also
  be  known  that  Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian shops that
  stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut  butter,  then
  it almost certainly has Vegemite as well.

YEAST
  Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are  a
  riot.  The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the
  yeast and the bacteria in the vagina  disappears.  Taking  antibiotics
  can  alter  this balance.  The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus
  acidophillus (yogurt culture) and shove it up your cunt. The  idea  of
  'tank  war'  (a  fine stripper act) might have started when a group of
  yeast-infected women could think of nothing better than to  walk  like
  crabs,  and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each oth-
  er.

  Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, espe-
  cially  if  he  has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these
  nobby hide-outs.  It's warm, it's moist, and there's a lot  of  smegma
  to  thrive  on.  Yeast  infections usually shows up after some days of
  hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a reddish-radish. If you're not a
  spoil  sport  and  start washing the glans with hospital soap, you can
  watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll  itch  more  and
  more.  Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the foreskin
  closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frog's  airbag
  is  bloated  with  air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet.
  Stuff in the urine should then clean out the yeast.  Male yeast infec-
  tions:   For  the  biggest effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your
  nob hysterically so it's gets completely dried out and itchy for  some
  time,  until  the body responds and produces vast amounts of smegma to
  get the balance right again.  This is good, but  if  you  relentlessly
  roll  the  foreskin  back  and forth while you fondle the back of your
  testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff  will  suddenly  come
  out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has
  been peeled of the radish.

| ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:


  1.  My  site  doesn't  carry  alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless   and/or
  alt.tasteless, what can I do about it?

  Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin.

If that doesn't work you'll have to read  it/post  to  it  from  another
site.   You're  smart  enough to suss out how to do it yourself. Because
you know that news.answers holds the answer  in  one  of  its  postings.
Namely  the one called _How to Receive Banned Newsgroups FAQ_; by Joseph
Gebis. http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~jg11772/banned-groups-faq.html to you
www-types.

  2. Archives?

  A.t. isn't fully archived, but some of the best articles of  the  year
  are     stored     at    The    Official    Alt.tasteless    ftp-site:
  ftp://oak.forest.net/pub/tasteless.

Your  nice  host  and  contact   person   there   is   Chris   Kilbourn,
(kilbo@forest.net).   He  asks you to keep your ftp-sessions to evenings
and nights if you're situated in the US. Europeans  should  ftp  in  the
morning, and Aussies should do it high noon.

What's on it?

This is what might be on it. You should check it once in a while or read
FAQ diffs (a companion posting to this FAQ posting).

Filename         Length   Description

arch_92.zip      259634   Best of A.T 1992
arch_93.zip      343073   Best of A.T 1993
arch_94.zip      856145   Best of A.T 1994
arch_95.zip      603989   Best of A.T 1995
intro.zip         46565   A.T FAQ, 1994 A.T Survey
ircparty.zip     120410   Logfiles of A.T IRC parties 1992, 93, 94

The following two are really important:

tast-faq          46035   The alt.tasteless Frequently Asked Questions
                          File. Newbies  ought to  learn this by heart
                          before posting.

taste.law          1970   Weekly FAQ. Read this!

Then there's the standard files:

standard.zip     75709    Alt.Tasteless.Jokes joke collection [Sheesh
                          do these kids need to learn spelling], band
                          names, Joy of Vomit, Shitlist,  a.t. Songs,
                          Mr. Ed's story,  Nevyn's story,  the bodily
                          functions survey.

standar2.zip     69457    WIRED's article on alt.tasteless, buttplug,
                          choad  and  fisting info.  The scrotum self
                          repair, Kakasutra and King Shit postings.

There's also a good number of pictures. I'm not sure of what  you'll  be
able to download when you connect.

Makes your mouth water, doesn't it? There might be  more  or  less  pics
depending  on the status of the tug-o-war between the noble freethinkers
and tiny-penised, narrow-minded censors  with  small  brains  and  small
shoes.

Other  sources   for   alt.tasteless   literature   are:   ftp.spies.com
/Library/Fringe/Gross,  but  frankly, it sucks. /Library/Untech is prob-
ably  more  appealing.   Good  tasteless  comedy   is   available   from
cathouse.org /pub/cathouse/ Look for _Bottom_ and _Derek&Clive_.

You'll also be able to find the exploding whale news story in .AVI  for-
mat  there  as:  /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/gif/whale.avi and there are
even some posts by Bob Christ inappropriately misplaced under /humor.

  3. Sources?

  John Nash (jnash@nyx10.cs.du.edu) collects pointers to  tasteless  WWW
  home pages (comp.infosystems.www will tell you what that is). Make use
  of   his   excellent   service,   and    expand    it,    you    cunt.
  http://www.achilles.net/~jhn/alt.tasteless.html

  Details in his monthly posting  on  the  subject:  _Alt.tasteless  WWW
  FAQ_.
 
You can get the Roadkill Calendar by sending $7 to:
Jeanie M
Box 52                      _Penises of the Animal Kingdom_ poster, $11:
Valhalla, NY 10595          Scientific Novelty  Co
                            Post Office   Box  673
                            Bloomington, IN  47402
                            (812) 331-8744.
        Archie McPhee
        Outfitters of Popular Culture
        P.O. Box 30852
        Seattle, WA  98103  USA
        (206) 782-2344; should also be able to deliver a good number of
tasteless things (blow up mosquitos and the like).

  4. Flames?

  Tedious,  aren't  they?  Some  can  elevate  it   to   an   art   form
  (alt.flame/talk.bizarre  '91  and '92, alt.peeves '93 and '94). If you
  can too, flame away.

  5. Crossposting?

  Even worse. Sadly you can't easily kill crossposters.  But  most  news
  readers posses a kill file feature. That is, you can tell it what kind
  of  postings you  dislike (by author,  subject  or  number  of  groups
  crossposted to) and you'll never be bothered by the crap again.
  The most useful way to set your kill file is to  let  it kill anything
  that is crossposted to more than three groups. You  simply  won't miss
  anything by employing this filter. You'll just get rid of spamming and
  the useless articles they pull along. In a  news  reader  like trn put
  /^Newsgroups: .*,.*,.*/h:j  in a file called  News/alt/tasteless/KILL.
  Other  news  readers  can  do  the  same  trick.   Just  teach   them.

  6. Newsgroup Invasions.

  Freaking out normal people with our hideousness has a  long  tradition
  in  alt.tasteless.  The  first  recorded  a.t. NI was Rauli Lauhanen's
  one-man invasion of talk.abortion, talk.rape and soc.motts,  Dec  13th
  1991.   He  told  alt.tasteless  that  he  was  about  to  invade  the
  faggot/lesbian/religious fundamentalist groups using his new  account.
  On  Dec  17th he posted a series of highly offensive rants/stories the
  first being:

  From: cunt@cc.tut.fi (Lauhanen Rauli)
  Newsgroups: talk.abortion,talk.rape,soc.motss,alt.tasteless
  Subject: Re: Homosexuality and Rape
  Summary: Also women have the right to be raped !

  They all got cancelled, and he lost the account (temporarily).

  Rec.pets.cats was first targetted as a deserving havoc spot  in  March
  '93, and war was declared. On the front line we found:

  From: markp@noncomf.tdkcs.waterloo.on.ca (Mark A. Pitcher)
  Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
  Subject: WAR PROGRESS REPORT: A.T. vs R.P.C.

  But the hardest (and most publicised) battle was that in September in-
  stigated   Adam   Steele  (adam@cs.concordia.ca),  with  Trashcan  Man
  (tobio@panix.com) doing the hardest work, and losing his  student  ac-
  count   in   the   process.  Read  all  about  it  on  his  home  page
  http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~ct22/index.html.   Or    at    wired    at
  http://www.hotwired.com/wired/2.05/departments/electrosphere/
  alt.tasteless.html. Or get the std_pack from the ftp-site.

  Before embarking on a NI  consider  if  it'll  be  fun  enough  to  be
  worthwhile. Usually it won't. At present it definately won't.

  Actually, alt.tasteless is invaded  from  time  to  time  by  clueless
  newbies, some being professional clueless newbies who take pleasure in
  pushing the buttons that starts stupid, tiring flamewars with the same
  old tired, nominally tasteless imagery. If you want to punish them, do
  it silently somewhere where you won't look like  a  fool.  Old  timers
  know how to do this.


  7. What is this shit-eating picture, that  everybody  keeps  referring
  to?

  Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for  two  pictures
  of  woman  pinching  a  loaf  into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an
  alt.tasteless idol, and it appears under many names.  Personally  I've
  glued the two together and called it crap.jpg. But they're quite good,
  actually. lortbg.gif  is  the  small  version  that  can  be used as a
  background on a home page.  It  should  be  part  of the 1995 archive.


  8. Aren't you all a bunch of 15-year-old wankers?

  A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years and  a
  1993  survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds (but that's an al-
  together different matter). A 1994 survey then corrected  the  average
  age to 27.53 years, and the average weight to 184.8 pounds. 89.4% con-
  sidered themselves male. All were wankers, and 92.1% admits to  having
  beaten off in a public place. Ftp-site: intro.zip


  9. Tasteless Secret Santa?

  "The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity
  conducted  by  the  motherly  Pamela  Beth Ryba (Pamelush to friends -
  pryba@wpi.edu to your mail program). It's about sharing  tastelessness
  across geographic and governmental borders, and involves you sending a
  package to someone in a furrin land. The 1994  exchange  was  a  great
  success  and included nearly eighty people all over the world. Pam al-
  ready has a long list of people signed up for next year, and refers to
  the  project as an AT institution. Write her if you'd like to join, or
  just want to get some cheap and tawdry e-mail sex.


  10. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and  of
  people struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.

  That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for  their
  efforts  in the group. During the year you're encouraged to save nomi-
  nations grouped in the following categories:

  1. fiction
  2. non-fiction
  3. quote
  4. flame             [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
  5. concepts          [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
  6. ordinary life     [e.g. Jack in the box]
  7. gif-image         [from alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless]

  Then,   near   election   time   someone,    perhaps    Mike    Weber,
  (weberm@polaris.net), will step forward and ask for your nominations.


  11. Is there an a.t. masonic style greeting?

  Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the  fellow  your  hand.  The
  call  for  distress  is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead
  father!?" This will usually give you all the help you want.

  The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
  hands,  then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished
  out around the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is op-
  tional. Only known to be in use in Australia.


  12. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?

  Possess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.

  Optional:

  Get: As much as you can from the ftp-site.

  13. I'd like to have an academically  waterproof  excuse  for  reading
  a.t.

  The book is called _Kritik der reinen  Vernunft_  and  is  written  by
  Peter Sloterdijk. It might be translated to your language. The book is
  about cynisism, the ancient  and  wonderful  approach  to  life.  It's
  well-written, funny and astoundingly learned. Adorno in a good mood.
  
  You should also try to  get  _Rabelais  and  his  world_;  by  Mikhail
  Bakhtin.   It's  not  an easy read, but it tells you about life in the
  middle age, a wonderful age comparable to our own on many counts.

  Both books are translated to english and can be ordered at
  http://www.books.com. Or at your local book shop:

  Critique of Cynical Reason (Theory and History of Literature, Vol 40)
  By Sloterdijk, Peter (Aut)
  PUBLISHER: U Mn Pr                       CATEGORY: Literary Criticism
  PUB DATE: 01/88                          ISBN: 0816615861
  BINDING: Paperback                       PRICE U.S.: $19.95

  Rabelais and His World
  By Bakhtin, Mikhail (Aut)
  PUBLISHER: Indiana University Press      CATEGORY: Literature Classics
  PUB DATE: 08/84                          ISBN: 0253203414
  BINDING: Paperback                       PRICE U.S.: $15.95



| OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:

(All to be found in news.answers as monthly postings... perhaps)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)

Summary:
  o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get  to  know
  who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.

  o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with what
  a  red-hot,  hip  individual you are?  If so, you may want to consider
  moving to another group.

  o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is crap,  and  if
  your  article  is not in the top 10% then it is probably crap as well.
  If you are still convinced that the majority of readers on  the  group
  will enjoy your dry and subtle wit, then post.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Shit ==

Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings  (should  have  used  email).
Posts  with  many  lines  of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]


Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember

  Never forget that the person on the other side is human

  Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior

  Be careful what you say about others

  Be brief

  Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them

  Use descriptive titles

  Think about your audience

  Only post a message once

  Summarize what you are following up

  Use mail, don't post a follow-up

  Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said

  Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.

  Be careful about copyrights and licenses

  Cite appropriate references

  When summarizing, summarize

  Spelling flames considered harmful

  Don't overdo signatures

  Limit line length and avoid control characters

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet

Summary:

* Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much  time  have  you
wasted  reading articles with a misleading subject line?  The "Subject:"
header line can be edited in all the various posting  programs  (as  can
the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header lines).

* Remember - this is an international network.

* Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your  arti-
cles.  So  might  your  spouse, neighbors, children, and others who will
long-remember your gaffes.  And they can track you down using Deja News,
Open Text, Alta Vista and all the other new, powerful search engines.


  Well then, end of FAQ.

T H E  C H U R C H  O F  D I V I N E  T A S T E L E S S N E S S  1 9 9 6
