Subject: soc.couples.wedding Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Supersedes: <wedding-faq/part1_826959501@rtfm.mit.edu>
Date: 30 Mar 1996 15:34:32 GMT
Summary: This posting contains a list of frequently asked questions
         and answers about wedding planning.
X-Last-Updated: 1996/02/02

Posting-Frequency: every 2 weeks
Version: 2.4

Written by Sonja Kueppers, sek@wam.umd.edu.  Suggestions for improvements
are welcome!

Topics Covered:
0) About this FAQ
  0.1) Where can I find this FAQ?
  0.2) What is the basis of the opinions in this FAQ?
  0.3) Recent Changes
  0.4) About the soc.couples.wedding WWW page
1) soc.couples.wedding
  1.1) What is soc.couples.wedding?
  1.2) Why is there a soc.couples.wedding?
  1.3) Is commercial advertising acceptable in soc.couples.wedding? 
  1.4) What are these abbreviations I keep seeing?
2) Recommended Reading
  2.1) For those who want to save money:
  2.2) For those interested in writing their own vows/ceremony:
  2.3) Cultures and Traditions
  2.4) Etiquette
  2.5) Marriage Overseas
  2.6) More on books by Denise & Alan Fields
3) Engagement
  3.1) Does a woman's ring have to be a diamond?  Does it have to be
        expensive?
  3.2) Should the man pick out the ring by himself, or together with
        his prospective fiancee?
  3.3) What about engagement rings for men?
  3.4) Is it necessary to have a ring in order to propose?
  3.5) Is a ring necessary at all?
4) Attendants
  4.1) When should I choose my attendants?
  4.2) Do my attendants have to be of my own gender?
  4.3) Do I have to choose one attendant to be my honor attendant?
  4.4) How many attendants do I need?
  4.5) Is it necessary to have equal numbers of groomsmen and
        bridesmaids?
  4.6) What roles can people who are not attendants play?
5) Wedding Attire
  5.1) What are my options for an inexpensive wedding dress?
  5.2) How should the groom and groomsmen be properly dressed at
        various times of day?
  5.3) Should the groom wear something different from the groomsmen?
  5.4) Do the bridesmaids all have to wear the same dress?
6) Wedding Rings
  6.1) Do I have to wear a wedding ring?
  6.2) Do wedding bands need to be matching?
  6.3) Does a wedding band need to be plain?
  6.4) What metals can the ring be made out of?
  6.5) If you have both an engagement and a wedding ring, which goes on
        the outside? 
  6.6) What do I do if the wedding ring I like doesn't work with my
        engagement ring?
7) People Issues
  7.1) My mother is driving me crazy.  She wants to control every
        aspect of the wedding.
  7.2) Who should walk me down the aisle, my natural father or my
        stepfather?
  7.3) My parents had a messy divorce, and they both say they won't
        attend the wedding if the other comes.  How can I resolve
        this?
  7.4) One of us is Jewish and the other one isn't.  Where can we get
        help dealing with these issues in our wedding and
        relationship?
8) Invitations
  8.1) What is the most proper way to have my invitations done?
  8.2) Where can I get wedding invitations by mail order?
  8.3) Is it OK to send invitations to someone "and Guest"?
  8.4) If I've invited guests and not invited their children, what do I
        do when they send a response saying their children are coming
        with them?
  8.5) I have been invited to a wedding without my fiance.  Can I get
        my fiance invited, or do I have to go alone?
  8.6) What percentage of the people I invite can be expected to come?
  8.7) Can I use my laser printer to address my invitations?
9) Photography and Video
  9.1) Do I have to hire a professional photographer?
  9.2) Should I have disposable cameras on the tables?
  9.3) Should I have a wedding video made?
  9.4) Should I hire a professional videographer?
10) Service Professionals
  10.1) Do service professionals need to be fed?
11) Showers
  11.1) Who can host a shower?
  11.2) If the people at work give me a shower, do I have to invite
        them to the wedding?
  11.3) Is it OK to include the bride's registry information with the
        shower invitation?
  11.4) What are some possible shower themes?
  11.5) Can I have a co-ed shower?
12) The Rehearsal Dinner
  12.1) What kind of rehearsal dinner is acceptable?
  12.2) Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner?
  12.3) Who hosts the rehearsal dinner?
13) Gifts
  13.1) Should I register for gifts?
  13.2) What should I register for?
  13.3) How will people find out about my registry?
  13.4) When should I give the couple my wedding gift?
  13.5) What do I do with gifts received before the wedding?
14) Officiants
  14.1) Who can perform a wedding?
  14.2) Universal Life Church


0) About this FAQ

0.1) Where can I find this FAQ?

In addition to being posted every 2 weeks to the soc.couples.wedding
newsgroup, This FAQ file, along with other wedding-related information, 
can be found on the World Wide Web.  The URL for the soc.couples.wedding 
home page is:

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~sek/wedding.html

It is also available in the standard archive sites for FAQ files, such 
as via anonymous FTP from rtfm.mit.edu

0.2) What is the basis of the opinions in this FAQ?

The opinions and views expressed in this FAQ are based on my personal 
knowledge and experience about wedding planning, which has been shaped 
by many sources, including years of reading alt.wedding and soc.couples.
wedding, a lifetime of exposure to Miss Manners' etiquette books (Ok, 
not an entire lifetime.  I did not read her first book until I was 
nearly 10 years old, because that is when it was first published), input
from other readers of these newsgroups, and an abiding interest in the 
subject which has caused me to read anything that came my way on the 
subject and to discuss the topic frequently with anyone who was 
interested.

When the topic in question is a matter of opinion, I have tried to show 
the different sides of the issue, regardless of my personal opinion.  

When the topic is a question of what is proper, I have tried to give the 
answer which reflects the correct etiquette, based on my reading of 
etiquette books and discussions with people whose opinions I value.
Etiquette is a tool to provide solutions to common situations in order 
to make people feel comfortable.  It can be viewed as the "generic" 
way to do things, when you have no particular reason for doing it 
another way.  If you think your guests will be more comfortable with 
a different solution, by all means do that.


0.3) Recent Changes

*Version 1.3  
  +Added 0.3 - Recent Changes
  +Added 0.4 - About the soc.couples.wedding WWW page
  +Added section 9 on Service Professionals
*Version 1.4
  +converted to HTML format
  +removed complete list of WWW page contents
  +updated sections 6.1 and 7.3
*Version 1.5
  +Added section 1.3 on abbreviations
*Version 1.6
  +Added section 2.4, reference to "far & away weddings"
*Version 1.7
  +Added section 12.3 on how people will find out about registry
  +Modified section 10.4 on shower themes
*Version 1.8
  +Added "f" for "future" to section 1.3
*Version 2.0
  +Added section 6 on wedding rings
  +Added sections 13.4 and 13.5 on gifts
  +Modified section 14.1 on who can perform marriages 
*Version 2.1
  +Added section 1.3 on commercial advertising in soc.couples.wedding
*Version 2.3
  +Added section 2.5 on Denise & Alan Fields' web site
* Version 2.4
  + Added section 2.4 on Etiquette books


0.4) About the soc.couples.wedding WWW page

The soc.couples.wedding WWW page is found at:

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~sek/wedding.html

and contains a wide variety of informational files, 
including information on buying diamonds and engagement 
rings, photography and video, music, popular readings,
wedding invitation suppliers, lists of gifts for anniversaries,
reader-submitted reviews of wedding-related services,
commercial wedding-related WWW pages, and pages about
reader weddings.
       

1) soc.couples.wedding

1.1) What is soc.couples.wedding?

Charter:

This newsgroup is for discussing all aspects of wedding planning, from
engagement through the honeymoon.  Discussions include, but are not
limited to, topics such as:  purchasing engagement/wedding jewelry and
gifts, announcing the engagement, setting a wedding date, hiring
professionals such as caterers and photographers, renting facilities such
as churches and halls, planning the ceremony, wedding-related etiquette,
registering for gifts, selecting wedding attire, and dealing with
relationship/family problems associated with wedding planning.

soc.couples.wedding is not limited to discussions of weddings between
one man and one woman.  Same-sex couples and groups of more than 2 people
who are planning a wedding are also welcome to participate.

Discussions of wedding traditions from around the world are welcomed.

There is an emphasis on politeness and tact when relating to other
newsgroup participants.

The group should not be used for discussions of general relationship or
marriage issues, for which soc.couples is more appropriate.

1.2) Why is there a soc.couples.wedding?

Soc.couples.wedding was created because the wedding-planning newsgroup
alt.wedding was a member of the "alt." hierarchy.  Many news administrators
do not carry groups in the "alt." hierarchy, because alt newsgroups can 
be created fairly trivially without any kind of voting procedure, so there 
are many alt newsgroups of dubious merit.  The "soc." hierarchy, on the 
other hand, is part of the "big 8" usenet hierarchies, and it is only 
possible to create a soc group by engaging in a 2-month-long process 
in which the newsgroup is proposed, discussed, and voted on by the 
usenet community.  This leads to wider acceptance of a group by news 
administrators, so more sites carry soc groups and more people have 
access to them.  

Ideally, people who are currently using alt.wedding will use
soc.couples.wedding instead, to avoid splitting the discussion of 
identical topics between the two newsgroups.

1.3) Is commercial advertising acceptable in soc.couples.wedding? 

Commercial advertising has not traditionally been acceptable in Usenet 
News.  Usenet News is primarily a forum for discussion and information 
exchange, not advertising.  

Your best policy, as a commercial advertiser, is to avoid making any 
postings that could be construed as advertisements to soc.couples.wedding.

The following guidelines illustrate a conservative approach which will 
serve you well.  It is drawn from discussions in the newsgroup of what 
readers considered acceptable and unacceptable behavior.  If you step 
outside the bounds of these guidelines, you will most likely make quite 
a number of readers of soc.couples.wedding very annoyed.  This is not 
good for anyone.  Not only does it make the newsgroup less friendly for 
everyone by spoiling the atmosphere of discussion and information exchange,
but it also makes people feel negative about your business.

You will notice that if you follow these guidelines, you will become a 
member of the soc.couples.wedding community by being a regular participant
in discussions in the group.  It is true that this is more time consuming 
than simply posting an occasional advertisement.  However, if people 
reading the group get the feeling that they know and trust you, you'll 
find that they'll respond more positively to your business than if you 
simply did the usenet/internet equivalent of cold-calling them.

Acceptable Behavior:

*Including the name of your company and, if necessary, a description 
.of the service provided in your brief signature file (signature
.files should not exceed 4 lines.)
*Answering questions in the newsgroup, so long as your postings do not 
.specifically mention your own products and services.  (It's 
.perfectly OK, and even encouraged, to draw upon your experiences 
.as a professional in answering questions.  What's not OK is to 
.appear to be hawking your own products/services.  If you make 
.yourself a valuable member of the community by providing helpful
.information, people will have a positive view of you -- and of 
.your company.)
*Sending private e-mail to individuals who have specifically asked 
.for pointers to people providing the service or product you provide.
*Creating a World Wide Web page and submitting the URL to sek@wam.umd.edu
.for inclusion in the soc.couples.wedding WWW page at:
.
.http://www.wam.umd.edu/~sek/wedding.html


Unacceptable Behavior:

*Posting explicit advertisements.
*Using a signature file which advertises your product or service.
.(beyond simply giving the name, type of service provided, 
.and contact information.)
*Responding to posts in the newsgroup with postings of your own 
.stating that you can provide a particular type of service or 
.product.
*Sending e-mail offering your product or service to individuals who
.have not specifically requested pointers to people who can 
.provide it.


What can be done about people who insist on advertising in 
soc.couples.wedding?

*You can write to them, explaining that they have overstepped the 
.bounds of acceptable behavior in the newsgroup.  If you have a 
.copy of these guidelines, send it to them.
*You can write to their system administrator, explaining the problem.
*You can try to get them blacklisted on the Blacklist of Internet 
.Advertisers at:
.
.http://math-www.uni-paderborn.de/~axel/BL/blacklist.html


For everyone: general note on politeness:

It is, of course, in good form for everyone, whether or not they are 
a wedding professional, to avoid making blanket statements about an entire 
industry or way of doing things.  Just as it is inappropriate for a caterer
to deride the idea of holding a potluck wedding reception, so it is also 
inappropriate for someone who is not planning to have a professional 
photographer to insult the entire profession.  It is one thing to discuss
specific positive and negative experiences you have had with a particular 
approach, and quite another to make blanket derogatory remarks.

1.4) What are these abbreviations I keep seeing?

*SO = Significant Other
*MIL = Mother-in-Law
*FIL = Father-in-Law
*MOH = Maid/Matron of Honor
*BM = Bridesmaid or Best Man 
*stbmil = Soon-To-Be Mother-in-Law
*fFIL, fMIL = future father-in-law, future mother-in-law

2) Recommended Reading

2.1) For those who want to save money:

"Bridal Bargains", Denise and Alan Fields.  Windsor Peak Press, 1994.
"How to Have a Big Wedding on a Small Budget", Diane Warner.  
Writer's Digest Books, 1992.

2.2) For those interested in writing their own vows/ceremony:

"Wedding Vows" by Peg Kehret.  Meriwether, 1989.
"For as Long as we Both Shall Live" by Roger Fritts.  Avon, 1993.
"Weddings from the Heart" by Daphne Rose Kingma.  Conari press, 1991
"With these words...I thee wed", Barbara Eklof.  B. Adams, 1989.
"I Do" Sydney Barbara Metrick.  Celestial Arts, Berkeley, 1992.  ISBN 
   0-89087-679-7
"Wedding Readings: Centuries of Writing and Rituals for Love and Marriage"
   Eleanor Munro ed.  Viking, 1989.

2.3) Cultures and Traditions

"Jumping the broom: The African-American wedding planner" by Harriette Cole.
   H. Holt, 1993.
"The New Jewish Wedding" by Anita Diamant.  Summit Books, 1985.
"The Jewish Book of Why" by Alfred J. Kolatch. J.David Publisher, 1981.

2.4) Etiquette

"Miss Manners On Painfully Proper Weddings" by Judith Martin.  Crown 
Publishers, 1995.  ISBN 0-517-70187-1
"Crane's Wedding Blue Book" by Steven L. Feinberg. Simon & Schuster,
1993.  ISBN 0-671-79641-0

2.5) Marriage Overseas

"Far & Away Weddings" by Denise & Alan Fields.  Windsor Peak Press.

2.6) More on books by Denise & Alan Fields

Books by Denise & Alan Fields can be ordered at (800) 888-0385
Denise & Alan Fields also now have a WWW page providing information & 
updates to their books at:

http://www.usa.net/~adfields/

3) Engagement

3.1) Does a woman's ring have to be a diamond?  Does it have to be
      expensive?

No.  Many women prefer colored stones, such as sapphires, rubies,
and emeralds.  Colored stones can be set by themselves or with 
diamonds.  Another possibility is to have a diamond or colored 
stone solitaire, with a wedding band that fits together with it
(sometimes known as a "wrap") and contains diamonds or colored 
stones.

A woman's engagement ring can be as expensive or inexpensive as 
is appropriate to the finances and wishes of the couple.  Some couples
elect to have a diamond-like substitute, such as a cubic zirconia.
This is not inappropriate, and there is no reason why this choice 
should need to be public knowledge.

3.2) Should the man pick out the ring by himself, or together with his
      prospective fiancee?

A man should endeavor to find out what his prospective fiancee prefers
that he do.  Some women want very much to be surprised with a ring; 
others feel very strongly that they wish to select their own ring.

If you would like to surprise your fiancee with a ring, but also want 
to take her wishes into account, there are several alternatives 
available to you.

*  Go shopping with her casually, to get an idea of what she likes, 
   but make the final decision on your own.
*  Make an agreement with the jeweler that you can return the ring
   you chose at full value for another ring if your fiancee wants
   to choose something else.  Your fiancee will probably be hesitant
   to say she would rather have something other than what you 
   picked out, so you will want to reassure her that you really 
   do want her to pick the ring she likes best.  You may also want
   to take her to the jeweler even if she says she doesn't want to 
   go, to make sure she gets to see what the other choices are.  This
   should be done very shortly after the proposal, before she has 
   a chance to get overly attached to the ring you gave her.
*  Get an inexpensive ring for the proposal, and explain that it 
   is a place holder for a ring you'll select together.


3.3) What about engagement rings for men?

There are a number of options for engagement rings for men.  

*  He can wear his wedding ring on his other hand until the 
   wedding.  This is traditional in a number of countries; 
   for example, in Germany, this is traditional for both men and
   women.

*  He can wear a non-wedding ring on either hand; some couples
   choose a silver band or claddagh ring.

*  He can have a man's ring with a stone, which he might wear
   on his other hand after the wedding if it wouldn't fit 
   together with his wedding band.

*  Both the man and the woman can have matching engagement/wedding
   ring sets.  


3.4) Is it necessary to have a ring in order to propose?

Only if your prospective fiancee expects you to have one.

If you wish to have one, but cannot afford it, you might select
an inexpensive ring or locket as a token.

3.5) Is a ring necessary at all?

No.  It is not necessary to have an engagement ring in order to be 
engaged.  If you choose not to have an engagement ring, you may want
to exchange other engagement gifts or tokens.  Some couples exchange 
earrings or necklaces; others exchange gifts that are not jewelry.  
Some ideas:

*Putting a down payment on a house as an engagement gift for each other
*Nice furniture, such as a roll-top desk
*a car
*bicycles, skis, or other sports equipment


Obviously, some of these gifts have more "lasting value" than others.  
Some people think it's very important that an engagement gift be of 
lasting value.  Others don't find this important.

4) Attendants

4.1) When should I choose my attendants?

It is generally not a good idea to select attendants more than a year 
before the wedding, because who is close to you will probably change
over time.  It is very difficult to back out of having asked someone 
to be your attendant.  It is acceptable to ask several people to attend
you but not choose one of them to be an honor attendant until closer 
to the wedding.

4.2) Do my attendants have to be of my own gender?

No.  There is no reason you can't have attendants of either or both 
genders.  

4.3) Do I have to choose one attendant to be my honor attendant?

No.  If you care for all of the friends you've asked to stand up for 
you equally, there is no need to choose.  You can simply divide the 
duties among all of them.

4.4) How many attendants do I need?

This is entirely up to you, though you may want to take into account the
traditions in your area.  You can have none, one, six...whatever seems 
suitable.  That said, the number of attendants does tend to increase 
with the formality and size of the wedding, so that some people will 
probably think it a bit silly to have six bridesmaids when there are 
only 50 guests in an afternoon garden wedding.

4.5) Is it necessary to have equal numbers of groomsmen and
      bridesmaids?

No.

It is OK to have ushers who are not groomsmen, in that they do not stand 
up with the groomsmen and bridesmaids.  This is sometimes a solution 
when you need more ushers to direct the guests to their seats, but don't 
want to have twice as many groomsmen as bridesmaids.

4.6) What roles can people who are not attendants play?

There are many possibilities for roles for people who are important to 
you or want to help, but who you have not selected as attendants for one 
reason or another.

* reading or performing musically during the ceremony
* guest book attendant
* responsibility for gift table
* responsibility for disposable cameras
* "wedding-day coordinator" - someone who is familiar with the wedding 
  and is empowered to make decisions for you, so the caterer, musicians,
  etc. can go to them rather than needing to talk to you.
* ceremony coordinator - responsible for cueing people - the bride, the 
  musicians, etc.
  


5) Wedding Attire

5.1) What are my options for an inexpensive wedding dress?

You could choose to wear a dress previously worn by someone in your
family such as your mother or grandmother.  You could also wear a 
friend's dress.  

Another option is to buy a used dress at a consignment shop or through
an advertisement in the newspaper.  In some cities, there are even 
consignment shops that specialize in bridal gowns.

Making your own dress, if you are an experienced sewer, can allow you
to have a dress that would have been much more expensive if you'd 
bought it commercially, and will probably fit better and be better 
made than many commercial gowns.  (Two tips: Use a dress form, and 
be sure to make at least the bodice in an inexpensive fabric to check
the fit and construction before making it in the final fabric.)

If your sewing skills aren't up to making the dress yourself, or you 
don't have time, hiring someone to sew it for you can still save you 
considerable money over buying a commercial dress, and you get the same
advantages of better fit and construction.

Commercial dresses can be purchased less expensively through Discount
Bridal Service ((800) 874-8794).  Other possibilities are to buy a store
sample, or to order at a trunk sale.

Finally, you might choose a dress that isn't marketed as a bridal gown.
Many lovely bridesmaids' dresses come in white or ivory, and are 
considerably less expensive than bridal dresses.  You might also find 
an appropriate dress being sold in ordinary stores.  It is also 
possible to wear something that doesn't look like a typical wedding 
dress, such as a lacy blouse with a long skirt, perhaps in a strong 
color such as royal blue or forest green.

5.2) How should the groom and groomsmen be properly dressed at various
      times of day?

For a very formal wedding, men should wear morning suits if it is in
the daytime, and white tie if it is in the evening.  If it is less 
formal, men may wear strollers in the daytime and tuxedos in the 
evening.  For even less formal weddings, men may wear ordinary suits 
at any time of day.  To be technically proper, men should never wear
tuxedos in the daytime or morning dress in the evening.  

That said, many people ignore these traditional dress guidelines, and 
wear tuxedos in the daytime.

5.3) Should the groom wear something different from the groomsmen?

Not generally, since the type of suit worn by men is dictated by 
formality.  Of course, just because the type of suit is usually going
to be the same, doesn't mean that there can't be individual variation
in components of the outfit.  

5.4) Do the bridesmaids all have to wear the same dress?

No.  It is perfectly acceptable to have them wear different dresses 
in the same fabric, or dresses in coordinating colors.  Some brides
choose to have the bridesmaids each wear a dress in a different 
jewel or autumn color, for example.  

Bridesmaids should all wear dresses with approximately the same degree 
of formality.


6) Wedding Rings

6.1) Do I have to wear a wedding ring?

No, though most women, and many men, prefer to wear one.  There are 
two major reasons why people choose not to wear them: 

* Moral objection to symbol of "ownership"
* Don't like wearing rings


Obviously, if you've thought it through, and you have decided you don't 
want to wear a wedding ring because it symbolizes ownership to you, this 
is only a problem if your partner disagrees, and wants you to wear one.
In this case, perhaps you could think about the fact that while 
traditionally a wedding ring might have been a symbol of ownership,
today most people view them as a sign of commitment instead.   However, 
I would never encourage someone to wear a wedding ring if it really gave
them such negative feelings.   

If, on the other hand, your objection is that you simply don't like 
wearing rings, you might want to try it for a month or two and see if 
you still feel the same way.  Many people find that while initially, 
the wedding ring feels awkward or uncomfortable, they rapidly become 
accustomed to it and like the symbolism thereafter.  

If you suspect you may have trouble being comfortable wearing a wedding
ring, you may want to investigate "comfort-fit" wedding bands.  These 
rings are curved on the inside (like the typical ring is on the outside)
for a more comfortable fit.  

Once you have become accustomed to wearing the wedding band, you may well 
find that looking at it or fiddling with it gives you a very positive,
happy feeling and directs your thoughts toward your spouse.  

6.2) Do wedding bands need to be matching?

Some people prefer matching wedding bands, because the symbolism of 
matching rings is very meaningful to them.  They may feel that with 
identical rings, there is always some physical bond with their partner,
no matter how far apart they may be physically.  

Others choose non-matching bands, because they think it is important for 
each person to have a ring that is the most comfortable for them personally.
They might want a ring that matched an engagement ring for one person, for 
example, but which couldn't really be translated successfully into a ring 
the other could wear.  One person might have a very physical job, which 
makes a plain ring the most practical, while the other might have a job 
where a fancier ring wouldn't be a problem.  

This is a personal decision, with many relevant family and regional 
traditions, so there is no one right answer.  

6.3) Does a wedding band need to be plain?

Unless you belong to a religion which demands that the ring be plain,
it is fine for the ring to have any design you fancy.  Even if you do 
belong to a religion which has requirements for the ring, you may be 
able to use a plain ring for the religious ceremony, but wear a different
ring for everyday.  

However, when selecting a ring, you should carefully consider how you plan 
to use the ring.  Do you plan to wear it every day?  In that case, take its
practical sturdiness and wear characteristics into account.  Do you want 
to wear the same ring (or an identical one) for the rest of your life, or 
is it OK to replace it if you don't like it anymore?  If it's not OK to 
replace it, you should consider carefully whether the style you choose 
today is one you think you will still like 40 or 50 years from now.  

If you do choose a fragile ring, you may want to get a plain one for everyday
also, if it is important to you to be able to wear your ring for a wide 
range of activities.  

Some people prefer a plain ring because they feel that there is a symbolic
value in having a simple ring that is only a symbol of their 
commitment, and has no ornamental qualities as a piece of jewelry.  

6.4) What metals can the ring be made out of?

Most people choose gold for their wedding rings, though platinum is 
also used, and some people use silver or other metals.  

Gold is used because it is valuable, and does not tarnish, rust, or corrode,
yet is fairly easy to work with.  Platinum is more valuable than gold and
also does not tarnish, rust, or corrode, but is harder and thus, more 
difficult to work.  

In the United States, most people use 14K gold, which is chosen because 
it has a good combination of gold content and hardness.  14K gold is about
60% gold.  18K gold is also popular, and has a deeper color, but is less 
hard, so it deforms and scratches more easily.  It is about 75% gold.  
Pure gold is 24K gold, and is fairly soft.  

6.5) If you have both an engagement and a wedding ring, which goes on
      the outside? 

Traditionally, the engagement ring goes on the outside.  The idea is that 
the wedding ring goes closer to the heart.  

Another reason for doing this is that some people never want to take 
their wedding ring off, while they may want to remove their engagement 
ring for activities where it might become damaged.  

During the wedding ceremony, this tradition can cause problems, and there 
are two main solutions.  The first is to switch the rings after the ceremony,
while the other is to remove the engagement ring for the ceremony, perhaps 
transferring it to the other hand, and then replacing it afterwards.  The 
second is more suitable for people who prefer not to remove their wedding 
ring.  

6.6) What do I do if the wedding ring I like doesn't work with my
      engagement ring?

One easy solution is to wear your engagement ring on another finger after 
you get married.  You might, for example, wear it on your other hand.  

If that doesn't appeal to you, consult a competent jeweler.  They may be 
able to cut notches into the wedding ring so that it fits up against the 
engagement ring, or perform some other kind of modification to it.  

If none of this works, you might have a wedding ring custom made to fit 
together with your engagement ring.  

7) People Issues

7.1) My mother is driving me crazy.  She wants to control every aspect
      of the wedding.

If your mother is hosting (this often translates to paying for) the 
wedding, you aren't really on very firm ground to insist on doing things 
your way.  The best you can do is try to convince your mother to do 
things your way.  It is sometimes helpful to give your mother complete
"creative control" over some aspects of the wedding.

If, on the other hand, you are hosting the wedding yourselves, then it
is your party and you have every right to tell your mother in a polite
way that you've decided to do things another way.

In this situation, it's important to remember that some mothers have 
very firm ideas of how they wanted their daughters to get married, 
and they may have looked forward to planning the wedding together with
their daughters for many years.

7.2) Who should walk me down the aisle, my natural father or my
      stepfather?

Whichever you feel closer to is the simple answer, but we all know life
is not so simple.  If you are unable to decide between them, or wish 
to honor them both, you could have one of them walk you halfway down the 
aisle and the other the rest of the way.  You could also sidestep the 
entire issue by having your mother walk you down the aisle.  

7.3) My parents had a messy divorce, and they both say they won't
      attend the wedding if the other comes.  How can I resolve this?

Your parents are supposedly grown adults.  They are also your parents.
Parents should not try to force their children into deciding between 
them.  Adults should be able to have the minimal contact with each 
other that attending the same social function requires, no matter how 
much they hate each other.  

Caving in to this pressure to choose between them is probably not a good 
idea.  Invite them both, and if they are so childish, let them both 
not attend.

Of course you can assure them that you will make every effort to make sure 
they have as little contact with each other as possible.

7.4) One of us is Jewish and the other one isn't.  Where can we get
      help dealing with these issues in our wedding and relationship?

There is a moderated mailing list, run by Daniel Berleant
djb@engr.uark.edu, that deals with Jewish-other interrelationships.
The folks there have assured me that they welcome wedding-related
discussion.  In addition, you may find this list helpful in dealing
with other relationship issues related to your differing cultural
and religious backgrounds.  For more information send email to
Daniel or join the list by sending him a message for the list telling
about your situation and how the list may be able to help you.


8) Invitations

8.1) What is the most proper way to have my invitations done?

The two most proper and formal kinds of invitations are hand-written
or engraved invitations, done on paper that is either plain or has a 
simple panel.  

However, the vast majority of people in the US today no longer remember
or care about this, so you need not feel that you are doing something 
horribly improper if you make some other choice.  

8.2) Where can I get wedding invitations by mail order?

A list of companies offering this service is available on the 
soc.couples.wedding WWW page; the address is:

http://www.wam.umd.edu/~sek/wedding.html

Due to space limitations, the list is not reproduced here.  You will 
find that there are a variety of different kinds of invitations available
from different companies, so it is worthwhile to send away for catalogs
from various makers.  The list includes annotations if a company offers
a special or unusual product or service.

8.3) Is it OK to send invitations to someone "and Guest"?

It can cause a lot of confusion to use "and Guest".  It is better to 
find out whether or not each guest has been dating someone they would 
like to bring, and invite that person specifically.  Some people apparently
feel obligated to find a guest to bring when they receive an "and Guest" 
invitation.  On the other hand, others are glad to receive such an invitation.
So, if you don't want to find out whether each of your guests is dating 
someone they want to bring, you may want to ask people in your social 
circle whether or not they would like to receive an invitation addressed 
to themselves "and Guest".

8.4) If I've invited guests and not invited their children, what do I
      do when they send a response saying their children are coming
      with them?

If you don't want children at the wedding, you should call and explain 
that you're having an adult wedding and that their children are not 
invited.  However, you may want to add that you are providing a baby-
sitting service for the convenience of the guests.

8.5) I have been invited to a wedding without my fiance.  Can I get my
      fiance invited, or do I have to go alone?

It is a social gaffe not to invite both people in a married or engaged 
couple.  Therefore, you are right to feel that your fiance should have 
been invited with you.  At this point, you need to decide whether you 
want to go even without him, or whether you aren't willing to go if 
he can't come too.  

If you're only willing to go if your fiance can come too, then you could
send back a negative RSVP, with the explanation that you can't possibly 
attend without your fiance.  This then puts the ball back in the court 
of the hosts -- if they made a mistake in not inviting your fiance, 
hopefully they will call or write to tell you that you're both welcome 
to come.

If, on the other hand, you want to come either way, you are on shakier 
ground.  If you are reasonably close to the hosts/couple being married, 
you could call them and ask if your fiance could attend with you.  
Otherwise, you might consider dropping in someone's ear the intelligence
that you're having trouble deciding whether or not to come because 
your fiance wasn't invited with you.  The someone you select to share 
this with should be someone you think will talk to the hosts or the 
couple about it, who will hopefully then realize their error and invite
him.

There are people who have such severely limited guest lists that they 
are unable to invite spouses and fiances, in which case you are hopefully 
close enough to them (after all, with such a limited guest list, I'd hope 
anyone they did invite was close to them!) that you'd be able to talk 
to them about it and they'd feel free to explain the situation to you,
rather than feeling pressured to invite your fiance when they couldn't 
invite the fiances of other guests.

Miss Manners tells us that couples who are living together are presumed
to be "secretly engaged", and therefore should also be invited together
to social events.

8.6) What percentage of the people I invite can be expected to come?

This varies tremendously.  The best method to use is to assign a 
percentage chance that each person you have invited will come.  If 
you then add up all the percentages, you will get a pretty good idea 
of how many guests you will have.  For example:


Uncle Joe   .5 (50%)
Aunt Susan  .5 (50%)
Mom         1  (100%)
Dad         1  (100%)
Bobby       1  (100%)

Total:      4


So from this list, you would expect 4 guests.  While it might not seem 
like it would work very well, it does.

8.7) Can I use my laser printer to address my invitations?

There are two schools of thought on this:

* Absolutely not.  Addressing invitations by machine demonstrates a lack 
  of personal attention and interest in whether a guest attends.  This 
  is a majority, traditional view.

* Of course.  The post office will have a much easier time delivering the 
  invitations if I print the addresses.  In fact, while I'm at it, I'll 
  consult with them about bar-coding the invitations.  After all, the 
  purpose of the outer envelope is to ensure the invitations get there,
  not to look pretty.  This is a minority view.  Persons who adhere to 
  this view do generally consider it better to print directly on the 
  envelopes, rather than on address labels.  Those who print on labels
  usually use clear labels.  Incidentally, the original purpose of the 
  outer envelope was to protect the invitation from the hazards of being 
  transported by your footman to the invitees homes.  The invitees' 
  butlers would then remove the outer envelope, so that the people being 
  invited only ever saw the inner envelope.  Recently, Miss Manners 
  seems to have grudgingly agreed with this school of thought.  I read an 
  article in Family Circle magazine on addressing Christmas cards using 
  address labels, and Miss Manners agreed that this was acceptable as 
  long as the inside was written by hand.
  

There are no schools of thought that I know of that consider it 
acceptable to laser print the inner envelope.  Everyone seems to agree 
that it should properly be hand written.

9) Photography and Video

9.1) Do I have to hire a professional photographer?

This is a personal decision.  There are, of course, pros and cons of 
hiring a professional photographer:

Cons:

*Cost -- It usually costs at least $300 to hire a professional 
   photographer to come take pictures at your wedding, and the longer
   you need the photographer for, the more it will cost.  On top of this,
   you have the cost of getting prints of the pictures once the wedding
   is over, which will probably cost more than hiring the photographer
   to come take the pictures.  Since the price of photography varies so 
   widely depending on where you live, it is impossible to give a 
   listing of what you might pay for different services; the amount of 
   photography you can get for $800 in a small town might cost $3000 in 
   a big city.

*Accessibility of negatives -- with a professional photographer, you will
   usually need to go back to them every time you want additional prints
   of your wedding pictures.  Some photographers will release the 
   negatives to you, either for an additional fee or after a certain 
   time period.  There are a very few professional photographers who 
   will shoot your wedding in 35mm film and let you have the negatives.

*Knowledge of people -- The professional photographer doesn't know your 
   family and friends, and so will have trouble identifying who is 
   important to you.
   

Pros:

*Skill and Experience -- A professional photographer will know how to
   take good pictures in various lighting conditions, have knowledge 
   of composition, be able to work with the limitations imposed by
   a church, and know how to stay out of everyone's way.  A professional
   photographer will also know about appropriateness of different kinds
   of film and may have access to better developing and printing 
   techniques than the amateur.

*Likelihood of getting good pictures -- This is related to skill
   and experience.  With a professional photographer, you hire 
   someone with a proven track record, whose style you can find out 
   about ahead of time by looking at albums from other weddings they
   have done.  Reputable professionals bring backup equipment in 
   case their primary equipment fails.

*Contract -- You have a contract with a professional that specifies 
   what will happen if the photographer can't come, how long the 
   photographer will stay, etc.  (Be sure the contract specifies 
   exactly who is going to come and take pictures, otherwise the 
   photographer or studio might send someone other than who you 
   thought you were getting.)

*Not a guest -- A professional photographer is not a guest.  Their 
   entire reason for being at your wedding is to take pictures.  

*Lack of hassle -- You can hire a reputable professional, give them 
   direction, and pay them to take care of the rest.  You don't 
   need to stress about the details, either before, during, or after
   the wedding.  


9.2) Should I have disposable cameras on the tables?

Disposable cameras can be a fun way for your guests to amuse 
themselves, and you may get some memorable photos out of them.  They 
work better with brighter lighting.  This is not a substitute for 
hiring a professional photographer or having a friend or relative with
a good camera take pictures.  An alternative to disposable cameras
is to buy regular 35mm film and cheap 35mm cameras for people to take 
pictures with at the reception; this will provide better picture 
quality.  Some people ask their guests to bring their own cameras and 
provide 35mm film for the guests to use.  The problem with this idea 
is that many guests prefer to take pictures for their own use, as well
as pictures for the couple to have, and asking them to use their own 
cameras to take pictures for you will probably deprive them of the 
ability to take pictures for themselves.

You should appoint someone, such as a friend or relative who has asked 
if there's anything they can do to help, to collect the cameras at the 
end.

9.3) Should I have a wedding video made?

This is again a personal decision.  Some people really enjoy having a 
video of their wedding.  Others find it sits on a shelf and collects 
dust.  Only you can decide which group you fall into.

People who like video often give the following arguments:

*  It lets you see parts of the wedding you didn't get to see because
   you were too busy with your responsibilities.
*  It captures every nuance of the ceremony, which you may not remember
   yourself because it was such an emotional time.  Many people find 
   it very romantic to be able to see and hear themselves saying their 
   vows all over again.
*  It gives people who weren't at the wedding a better feeling that 
   they've really experienced it.
*  It can be a wonderful memory of the people who were there.  You 
   may live far away from your friends and relatives, and enjoy the 
   chance to see them again, moving and talking, on your wedding 
   video.  As the years go by, the children will grow up, and 
   members of your family may pass away, making the videotape 
   even more valuable to you.
   

People who don't like video often give these arguments:

*  Showing people your wedding video forces them to proceed at the 
   pace of the video.  Flipping through a photo album can be done at 
   the viewer's own pace, and is more interactive, as you can tell 
   stories about the pictures.
*  Video forces every moment to be remembered as it actually happened,
   rather than as you might like to remember it.
*  Video is a high-technology product, requiring special equipment to 
   view.  Some people also have philosophical objections to video.


Some people argue that wedding video is a waste because the videotape
will degrade over time.  While this is true, there's no reason to 
think that you won't be able to transfer it to a more stable medium
later.  People also argue that 50 years from now, there won't be VCR's,
so you won't be able to watch it.  Again, if it's important to you, 
you can always have it transferred to the new medium when VCR's become 
obsolete.  So, while you will have to devote a little time to preserving
your video, you can expect that if it matters to you, you'll still have
the recording (though probably no longer on videotape) in 50 years.

The technology for creating printed pictures from video is improving 
all the time, making this a possible way to augment the pictures from 
your photographer.

9.4) Should I hire a professional videographer?

Obviously, you will get much better results if you hire a competent 
professional than if you have Aunt Susan bring her camcorder.  However,
that doesn't mean you necessarily need to hire a professional.  You
should consider:

*  How important the video is to you.
*  Whether or not home video quality is acceptable to you.  This may 
   depend partially on what the purpose of the video is.  If it's 
   primarily to jog your own memory, amateur quality may be acceptable,
   while if you intend to show it to other people, you may prefer 
   professional quality.
*  What budgetary trade-offs you will have to make in order to have 
   professional video.


One thing that may help you decide is to watch various wedding videos;
perhaps friends and family have amateur and professional videos you 
could watch.  The professional videographer you are considering should 
be able to show you some of the videos s/he has done.  

Some particular advantages of good professional video are greatly improved 
sound and lighting, as well as better overall picture quality.  Competent
professional videographers have better equipment than amateurs, know how 
to take advantage of the available light, and have experience coming up 
with creative solutions to eliminate intrusiveness.

When evaluating video, in addition to the picture quality, pay careful 
attention to the sound, an aspect many people don't pay attention 
to until they're disappointed in the sound of their own videos.

You should also know that there are big differences between the style,
philosophy, and ability of different videographers.  If video is important
to you, it could be quite worthwhile to speak with several different 
videographers and see their sample videos.  If you have particular
concerns, you can probably find a videographer who has experience 
working within the constraints you have.  



10) Service Professionals

10.1) Do service professionals need to be fed?

If your wedding is taking place over a meal time, and you are feeding your
guests, you should make sure there is some arrangement for your service 
professionals to eat, also.  That means people like the photographer, 
videographer, band, etc.  There are several reasons for this:

* Service professionals are often working before the wedding starts and 
  after it ends, which makes the time that they are without food even 
  longer than it might seem.
* You will get better service if you make sure the service professionals 
  aren't feeling faint with hunger while they work.
* If you don't make provision for them to eat, they might leave your 
  reception to go get something to eat -- and might be gone for an 
  hour or more.


How should you deal with this?  There are several options.  Some people 
have a table among the guests where the service professionals eat as 
though they were guests.  Others have the caterer provide a simple meal
for the service professionals that they eat elsewhere.  Another option 
is to provide a place for them to eat food they bring with them, and 
finally, you could allow them to leave to go get food.  I don't really 
recommend the last option, because that's the one where you have the 
least amount of control over how long they're gone.  

To decide between these options, I recommend you discuss with your 
caterer what options they offer, and what the standard procedure is in 
your area.  Armed with this information, you should then speak to your 
service providers about what they expect and/or prefer.  Then, you'll 
be able to write some reasonable language into your contracts with these 
people specifying what will be done about meals.  This step is highly 
recommended, because having it in writing gives everyone something to 
look at to remember what was agreed on, and if something different 
ends up happening, it gives you a clear, written leg to stand on if you 
want to pursue the matter.  You should, of course, also write what is 
decided on into the contract with the caterer.

I think it is reasonable to expect that the caterer will make proper 
arrangements with their own staff about meals and breaks, without 
your intervention.  


11) Showers

11.1) Who can host a shower?

Anyone who isn't the mother or sister of the bride.  Because the point 
of a shower is to "shower" the bride with gifts, it is inappropriate for
a very close relative to host it.  The bridesmaids often host a shower.
It is important, when inviting people to a shower, to make sure only to
invite people who are also going to be invited to the wedding.  Remember,
the purpose of a shower is to give gifts, and it is rude to expect 
someone to give a gift if they aren't important enough to be invited to 
the wedding.

11.2) If the people at work give me a shower, do I have to invite them
      to the wedding?

No.  A work-related shower can be given by people and have guests who 
are not invited to the wedding.  The same would be true of a shower 
given by members of a club the bride belongs to and other similar 
"special group" showers.

11.3) Is it OK to include the bride's registry information with the
      shower invitation?

Yes, because showers exist for the purpose of giving gifts.  However, 
common sense is a good idea here; if you're planning a shower where you 
expect people to bring a small gift like a rubber spatula and a recipe
card, you probably don't want to include the registry information!

11.4) What are some possible shower themes?

There are any number of possible shower themes.  Some examples are
a recipe shower, a lingerie shower, a kitchen shower, an "around the 
clock" shower (where each guest is told to bring a gift that could 
be used at a specific time of day), a bath shower, a hardware 
shower, and a stationery shower.

It is not necessary to have a shower theme.

11.5) Can I have a co-ed shower?

Yes.  Some people are finding that it is more congenial to have a 
co-ed shower, particularly when the couple have many of the same 
friends of both genders.  In this case, one usually invites both the 
bride and groom to attend (or plans it as a surprise for both the bride 
and groom).  


12) The Rehearsal Dinner

12.1) What kind of rehearsal dinner is acceptable?

You can have anything ranging from pizza or a barbeque at someone's 
house all the way up to a fancy dinner at a nice restaurant where 
everyone gets to choose anything they want from the menu.  Which you 
choose depends on your personality and your budget.  

12.2) Who is invited to the rehearsal dinner?

Usually only those persons involved in the rehearsal and their spouses
or partners.  Many people are now choosing to invite also those 
out-of-town guests who have arrived by that time.

12.3) Who hosts the rehearsal dinner?

Traditionally, this is the responsibility of the groom's family.


13) Gifts

13.1) Should I register for gifts?

Most couples do register for gifts, if only to let prospective gift-givers
know what patterns of china, silver, crystal, and stainless they've 
selected.  

Registering for gifts allows couples to let people know what kinds of 
gifts they would like to receive.  It is also possible to do this in 
a less specific way, by telling your parents and members of the wedding 
party what your general needs are.  If you use a registry, these are the 
same people you will give the registry information to, and they will 
tell people when they are asked.

Registering for gifts also allows you to have a better chance of not 
receiving duplicate gifts, because a well-run registry will keep track 
of what gifts have already been purchased.  You can also call the 
store where you have registered when you receive gifts purchased elsewhere,
and they will update their lists to reflect that you've received these 
items.

However, no one should ever feel obligated to buy something that you have 
registered for, and if they select a different gift for you, it is not 
appropriate to criticize their choice of gift because it was not on your 
registry.  There are many reasons why people choose not to use your 
registry; some feel that a gift is more personal if they select it 
themselves, others have a brilliant gift idea for you and never even 
think of consulting the registry, and still others simply never hear 
about the registry.

13.2) What should I register for?

You can register for almost anything.  Most people register for 
china, silver, crystal, and stainless, because it is traditional 
to receive a set of these things as wedding gifts.  However, that 
does not mean you must register for these things, though you should 
be aware that some prospective gift-givers may be disappointed, because 
they wanted to give these things to you and can't do so if you haven't 
selected a pattern.  

It is a good idea to register for gifts in a variety of price ranges, 
so all guests will be able to find something they like and can afford.

Some people are of the school of thought that you should only register 
for things you think you will actually receive.  This means you would 
figure out how much money each of your guests was likely to spend, and 
register for gifts in that approximate total dollar amount.

Other people believe you should register for what you really want, and 
expect that you will only receive some of it.  

These two schools of thought tend to come into conflict over decisions of 
whether to register for a less expensive china pattern you like, or a 
more expensive one you absolutely adore.  You should make such a decision
based on whether you would rather have a few place settings of the one 
you adore, or many place settings of the one you like.

If you choose to register in a nontraditional place, such as a home 
center or hardware store, or you choose to register only for nontraditional
items, you should be aware that some prospective gift-givers will be 
dissuaded from buying anything from your registry because they only want 
to give gifts of "lasting value", things that are likely to become 
heirlooms.

It is possible to register now at your travel agent or at a bank, for 
money toward a house or some such.  This is considered tacky by many 
people, just as many people consider it tacky to request money as a 
gift.  That is not to say you shouldn't do it; merely that you should be
aware of this possible reaction.

13.3) How will people find out about my registry?

People will find out about your registry in one of three ways:

*By asking someone, like your parents or members of the wedding party.
*By receiving a shower invitation, which might include information  
.about where you are registered.
*By going to a store and checking there to see if you are registered.


It is generally considered to be inappropriate to mention your registry
in your invitations, because it might imply that you were expecting to 
receive gifts from people you invited to your wedding.

I think whether or not it would be OK to mention your registry on a WWW 
page you created about your wedding, or a newsletter you mailed to your 
guests about the wedding separately from the invitation, is a more 
nebulous area.  If I were pressed, I would probably think it was more 
acceptable on a WWW page than in a newsletter, because someone has to 
explicitly choose to access the information on the WWW page, while if you 
mail it to them, it's more like you're forcing it on them.

13.4) When should I give the couple my wedding gift?

There are different traditions in different cultures about this.  However, 
it is often best to send the gift by mail to the bride, either before or 
after the wedding, rather than bringing it to the reception.  This is because
it is much more convenient for the couple if they do not have to worry about 
cards becoming detached from gifts, transporting the gifts to their home, 
and so on.  This is particularly important if the couple live far away 
from the site of the wedding.

13.5) What do I do with gifts received before the wedding?

Any gifts you receive before the wedding, whether they are engagement or 
wedding gifts, should be opened and thank-you notes written.  However, you 
should bear in mind that if anything should happen so that the wedding 
cannot take place, you are responsible for returning the gifts to the 
givers.  Therefore, it is a bad idea to use the gifts before the wedding, 
and you should keep all the original packaging.  

Gifts of money should not be spent, but instead set aside, perhaps in your 
new joint bank account, until after the wedding.  All checks should 
definitely be deposited into a bank account, because it is annoying to 
the giver when you wait a long time to deposit a check.  


14) Officiants

14.1) Who can perform a wedding?

This varies from place to place.  In some countries, you must be legally 
married by the state before you may be married in your church; in the 
US, you can be married in your church without needing a separate legal 
wedding.  If you don't want to be married in a church, you can get a 
minister to marry you elsewhere, or you can be married by other people 
who have legal authority to perform marriages where you live, such as judges
or justices of the peace.  In the USA, it is usually possible to get one 
of these people to marry you at the location of your choice.  It may also 
be possible to obtain a marriage certificate that does not need to be 
signed by an officiant, or for the person who you want to have marry 
you to get a special license to marry you.  

Since this varies so enormously from place to place, it is vital that you 
discuss these issues with the office that deals with these matters where you 
live.

You may find that the lowest hassle solution is to be legally married at 
the courthouse, after which you can have whatever kind of public wedding
you want.

14.2) Universal Life Church

Anyone can become a ULC minister.  Your state may not allow a ULC 
minister to perform a wedding, however, because they may require 
that a minister performing weddings also fulfill some other requirements,
such as having a congregation.  Be sure to check on this.

Becoming a ULC minister is free, though small donations are appreciated.


Universal Life Church
603 3rd Street
Modesto, CA 95321
209-527-8111


