From: ygc0525@yahoo.com 
  
 The following is an excerpt from the book The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to 
 Dating For the Less - Than - Bold Dater by Bonnie Jacobson, Ph.D., with 
 Sandra J. Gordon. 
  
 Facing Rejection 
  
 The huge obstacle for Shys is when they're either doing the rejecting or 
 being rejected in a relationship. One of the possibilities in any new dating 
 situation is that it's a potentially poor match. But for some Shys, this 
 potential reality can become so threatening, they may unknowingly bring it 
 on themselves -- even when they're in a relationship that's working. When 
 it's over ("Whew!"), you may even feel justified ("I just can't date; I'm no 
 good at it"), but lonely and miserable at the same time. You may also suffer 
 from prolonged payback. ("Nobody is ever going to love me. I'm going to turn 
 out just like my forty-five-year-old cousin who's childless and not 
 married.") Or, conversely, you may resist ending a relationship you no 
 longer enjoy because you don't want to deal with the conflict of saying 
 goodbye, or maybe you lack confidence about maintaining your boundaries if 
 you say it's over. Should the other person disagree with the breakup, you 
 face a potentially ugly situation. 
  
 Or perhaps you resist moving on because you empathize so strongly. "I don't 
 want to hurt their feelings," many shy singles have reported in my 
 workshops, always cringing, even when it's the best decision. Samantha was 
 in such a relationship. She had been dating Tom for two years and had been 
 racking up credit card bills on airline tickets (it was a bicoastal 
 relationship). Trouble was, for various reasons, she knew he wasn't the man 
 for her. "But I just can't bring myself to break up with him," she told me 
 repeatedly. "He's such a sweet guy." It was clear that Samantha was 
 identifying with Tom's feelings -- to her detriment. By staying in a 
 relationship that needed to end, her pain was escalating as the illusion 
 continued, with Tom occasionally mentioning the prospect of marriage. They 
 were on completely different pages, and Samantha's hesitancy in ending 
 things was creating a real problem. She was frozen in stage two for almost 
 two years. Tom was being set up for an even harder fall, and Samantha's 
 awareness that she was continuing a futureless relationship was making her 
 feel weak and foolish. "I'm such a wimp," she said one evening. Samantha's 
 situation is an example of how a prolonged stage two -- overloaded with 
 emotion and completely frozen -- becomes a truly debilitating state. The 
 payback that follows this frozen state adds further insult to injury. 
  
 Being the Rejecter 
  
 The difficulty of saying "No, thank you" to someone who wants the 
 relationship to continue is directly proportional to the amount of 
 self-criticism you heap upon yourself. The more self-critical you are, the 
 less clear you're apt to be about your intentions. If you're very 
 self-critical, you may find it almost impossible to tell the other person 
 why you want to end the relationship for fear that anything you say will 
 sound like criticism rather than a statement of what's best for you. 
  
 If you're the one who wants to end the relationship, try thinking that the 
 sooner you say goodbye, the faster he can find somebody else who is more 
 suited to him. You're actually setting both of you free to find a more 
 mutually satisfying relationship. Even though breakups can be agonizing, 
 it's not fair to hold on to someone because you don't have the guts to end 
 it. And if you consider the "don't do unto others" rule, you wouldn't want 
 to be bound in a relationship that's not working longer than you should be 
 either, would you? 
  
 Your Rejector Action Plan 
  
 To make doing the deed as easy as possible, create a breakup line you're 
 comfortable with that's simple to remember, repeatable, and doesn't sound 
 attacking. Try something like: "After all this time we've spent together, I 
 just don't think we have that special something couples need to make it for 
 the long run." Chances are, sensing your vulnerability, your partner may 
 object and even try to talk you out of breaking up with him. When that 
 happens, simply restate your case: "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. But 
 I don't think we have that special something couples need to make it for the 
 long run." If you add, "I don't want to waste your time, or mine for that 
 matter," you'll appear stronger. Keep repeating yourself if you need to, 
 then exit the situation as quickly as possible. Having a set speech that you 
 repeat softly, but consistently, can help you with the fear of initiation 
 and freezing or flooding. Knowing what you are going to say, you won't be 
 overwhelmed with so many options that nothing emerges, nor will spill out 
 more than you want to say. Your breakup line can also help to thwart 
 payback, because you minimize the unplanned, which can trigger subsequent 
 self-criticism. 
  
 In case your breakup line doesn't having the desired effect, have a backup 
 "insurance policy" at the ready. Tell your former lover that there's no 
 possibility for another chance because you're now sure that you must find 
 someone who is something that this person is not -- your religion, not 
 divorced, a local (you know she can never leave her hometown to move to 
 yours), your race, or any other immutable quality that your former lover can 
 never attain. Like your breakup line, this statement requires repeated 
 practice. In the end, though, it is the kindest approach you can take, 
 because it ultimately leaves no room for false hope. 
  
 Another preparation strategy involves role-playing with a trusted friend. 
 Ask your friend to be as difficult as possible. Go over scenarios that will 
 have the former lover resisting the goodbye. Then, when the real scene 
 happens, it'll likely be easier than the imagined ones. You'll walk away 
 feeling more satisfied with the outcome, which is the best strategy for 
 warding off payback. 
  
 Getting Rejected 
  
 Vulnerable Shys tend to suffer greatly from the pain of rejection; again, 
 self-criticism looms large. The more self-critical you are, the less you'll 
 be able to tolerate comments you perceive as negative from your partner. Not 
  surprisingly, therefore, the end of a relationship that wasn't your 
 decision can be tough. 
  
 As I discussed in chapter five, you may be hardwired for self-blame as a 
 result of your formative years. Often, the severest self-critics had a 
 childhood in which there was so much chaos or other diversions in the family 
 that the quiet child who made no fuss was ignored and, as a result, felt 
 invisible. Or perhaps the child grew up in an authoritarian home environment 
 where an iron rule was imposed on the household by at least one of the 
 caregivers. Either of these situations can cause a child to become highly 
 self-critical as an adult. Both invisibility and abundant disapproval become 
  
 [continued in next message] 
  
 --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05 
  * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)